(no subject)
My depression is overwhelming me.
I cant function, I just feel incredibly sick with desire to die, to disappear, to remove myself entirely from the mess I have created.
I went to my familys yesturday, I swear Im looked at like Im just mentally unstable. that anorexia makes me a complete and utter lunatic with a completely worthless and selfish existance.
I need to get out of here. I want to just go somewhere where no one knows me and start my life from scratch.
nothing is holding me back, nothing.
I have let my ed destroy everything, my family, my friends, my life, my soul.
why stay somewhere that is in ruins? I cant rebuild it, change peoples views of me, ever be free from this stereotype that everyone paints me with.
but will it really change anything? if I move, will I just be changing the scenery and not myself?
This year needs some serious changes, and I think before I can change anything in my life I need to change myself. I need to get healthy, as with physical health mental health also improves. Im hoping my depression will get better, these feelings Im brushing under the carpet will change.
Im seeing my bf tomorrow, and I dont see the point. he does not deserve this, as much as I complain about him he has put up with alot of shit. he said himself he never knew what he was getting himself into when he started dating me, that he didnt realise how bad my illness was when I first told him. and its upsetting, as I have been holding myself back from talking about my weight, food, calories etc and I really thought Id stopped. but he told me he doesnt think hes ever had a conversation with me when I dont talk about it.
I ask myself every day: am I really that bad?
Im always like 'oh no im fine'.
YOU ARE NOT FINE. why doesnt the fact that Im meant to be in hospital right now make me realise this? or that I have been in hospital like a bloody yoyo.
hospital = severe bad health.
but no, the voice in the back of my head says 'your not that bad, there are people thinner than you.'
you know whats pathetic? when I went for my bone scan they said that they look ok for now, but I probably will have osteoperosis (however you spell it) in the future.
my ed turned round and said 'well if you dont have it now, that means you havent got thin enough as if you had you would have bad bone density by now'.
so I managed to make having good bones- no correction, good bones for now- a bad thing.
I feel like I've had it so long and its so familiar that when I die it needs to be from anorexia.
that if I dont die from it, my whole life that ive devoted to it has been a failure.
I keep typing trying to explain this, but I cant put the words together to make it make sense.
who am I kidding, Im never going to be free.
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