[afterall...]
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
i realized that i cant "analyze" the situation. i really cant. i literally have no idea how to. i know what questions to ask, but as i look at them my chest grows tight.
the blinders i have are for my own self defense, because when i try to step back, to place myself objectively away i start to suffocate, i drown in the hugeness of it all and the meaningfulness of it, the weight of this time. this place. the responsibility that it is to just live and breathe and recognize each day for what it is.
i can analyze about this far: i project my feelings, protect, support, all of that, to save myself from insanity.. from the walls of my own mind. from the conundrum that has always been the same as looking at a mirror in a mirror... maybe the reason that i choose him is because he is the closest one and there will always be a closer one and i can always see myself easier in others.
in my eternally naive mind each and every person is so dynamic, SO impossibly many sided... every day is different every quiet car ride means the world to me. and what it all boils down to is i am literally, incomprehensibly, unbelievably, and ashamedly terrified of what it would mean to be alone.
this doesnt mean that he isnt the most wonderful boy...
but werent they all the most wonderful boy?
and this stupid livejournal is proof of that.... that it means so much more to me to write these words on here. i dont even think that i could write them in my own journal, not with such meaning, such force, because i desperately need the human interaction, i need to know that maybe allison or sydney or jessica or someone would read it and simply acknowledge that what i said was real.
in high school i was always so overwhelmed by the choices that i had, the many personalities that i could have been. so i just got swept away, let myself be overwhelmed and hurt by every moment... literally like being a part of a river rushing flying and i felt that out of control. until i couldnt take it anymore. so i figured out ways to change it, to find a ground to stand on.
::in the end it will be okay. if its not okay, then its not the end::
the problem with that saying is that it all never ends.
there will always be a tomorrow, so i want to learn to live for today and grow and shine.
how do i do this if i cant step back... how can i teach myself this?
i guess it will take time.
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
i realized that i cant "analyze" the situation. i really cant. i literally have no idea how to. i know what questions to ask, but as i look at them my chest grows tight.
the blinders i have are for my own self defense, because when i try to step back, to place myself objectively away i start to suffocate, i drown in the hugeness of it all and the meaningfulness of it, the weight of this time. this place. the responsibility that it is to just live and breathe and recognize each day for what it is.
i can analyze about this far: i project my feelings, protect, support, all of that, to save myself from insanity.. from the walls of my own mind. from the conundrum that has always been the same as looking at a mirror in a mirror... maybe the reason that i choose him is because he is the closest one and there will always be a closer one and i can always see myself easier in others.
in my eternally naive mind each and every person is so dynamic, SO impossibly many sided... every day is different every quiet car ride means the world to me. and what it all boils down to is i am literally, incomprehensibly, unbelievably, and ashamedly terrified of what it would mean to be alone.
this doesnt mean that he isnt the most wonderful boy...
but werent they all the most wonderful boy?
and this stupid livejournal is proof of that.... that it means so much more to me to write these words on here. i dont even think that i could write them in my own journal, not with such meaning, such force, because i desperately need the human interaction, i need to know that maybe allison or sydney or jessica or someone would read it and simply acknowledge that what i said was real.
in high school i was always so overwhelmed by the choices that i had, the many personalities that i could have been. so i just got swept away, let myself be overwhelmed and hurt by every moment... literally like being a part of a river rushing flying and i felt that out of control. until i couldnt take it anymore. so i figured out ways to change it, to find a ground to stand on.
::in the end it will be okay. if its not okay, then its not the end::
the problem with that saying is that it all never ends.
there will always be a tomorrow, so i want to learn to live for today and grow and shine.
how do i do this if i cant step back... how can i teach myself this?
i guess it will take time.