face up and sing
So I've been totally neglecting livejournal. As always. I write a lot initially, and then I get bored or start to feel weird about the fact that I've shared too much of my head with the cyberworld. I keep forgetting that this isn't "the cyberworld" so much as my friends; many of you are friends I've moved away from who deserve to stay moderately informed of what's going on in my life, especially since a downfall of being an adaptable person is the fact that I tend to be particularly horrible at keeping in touch.
My p's are getting the big D and it's shaping up to become rather messy. I thought I was dealing with everything superbly well until a couple of weeks ago when I realized I was crying every day about really stupid shit and feeling completely overwhelmed and alone in the universe. Fortunately, I caught myself in time and realized that instead of focusing so much of my efforts on what I planned to do to keep moving forward in spite of it all, I needed to allow myself a moment to at least catch my breath and wrap my head around this all rather than swallowing it whole. Just because I'm 22 doesn't mean I can't be affected by this, and just because I'm an adult who lived out of state and on my own for over four years doesn't mean I can't feel that a little part of me is breaking into pieces right along with whatever relationship they had. It's a big step, to stop writing off everything you're going through as minutiae and come face to face with the reality that while your trials and tribulations aren't astronomically terrible or anything no one else has survived before, they are things that no one perceives or experiences in quite the same way that you do and that you are uniquely affected by them. I accepted the reality that some things are going to bother me and just because I've emerged face up and singing from everything else I've experienced, be it positive or negative, I still need to allow myself the chance to absorb goings-on for what they are rather than concerning myself only with how I'll keep moving forward. Not that that's a bad thing to concern oneself with; it just winds up kind of counterproductive when your suppressed worries come back to bite you in the ass for ignoring them so long. :)
So -- crisis averted! And I couldn't be happier. G just moved into a townhome 20-25 minutes away from my mom's house, and we're absolutely loving the chance to get to see each other more and fix the house up and simply live life side by side a little bit more often. After a good eleven-ish months of the long-distance thang, I think we've paid our dues and deserve to simply enjoy each other and the simple joys that come with being nearby. It's made me so calm and content lately, and it's helped ease any "do I really love this person as much as I think I do?" questions or doubts lingering in the back of my mind. I'm viewing our relationship with a more defined clarity now, and more than anything I'm just grateful he's by my side through my adjustment to living and working at home in the first place (let alone all this parental crapola!). It's just another reason to be ridiculously happy with him and thankful, always thankful for his ability to keep my heart light and my worries at bay... or, at the very least, in perspective. I'm not sure exactly what word exists to describe the feeling you get when you realize love really is all it's cracked up to be -- maybe 'indescribable', and definitely not 'underrated'. He delights and challenges me at once, and I love it. Moving on.
I'm applying to graduate school near here, although I wish I could just run off, go somewhere, travel -- experience the freedom that comes with being a college graduate. In college, you're free in a sense but still held down by school; after graduation and without that minor little obligation, you're free. The fact that I was shit broke sort of interfered, though, and now I'm working (more to come on THAT at a later date). My inner gypsy probably won't be satisfied for some time, but I've got my entire life ahead of me to travel. Right now, what I want is (for the most part) in front of me, so I'm learning to be content with what I've got despite that inner voice that warns me to never settle, never be satisfied. There's a difference between content and satisfied, though, at least in my book -- so I'm alright with sticking around for the time being.
If you were that grad application I'm not yet finished with, you'd be calling my name and telling me to do you right now... so who am I to resist? I've rambled long enough :) I need to make this el-jay rambling thing a habit for me... I'm not as in tune with my thoughts and feelings as I think I am; I tend to experience things moment to moment and forget, amid all the hustle/bustle/hari-kari/what you will, to sit down and reflect. It's wonderfully therapeutic... and probably reminds the general populace that I have indeed not fallen off the face of the earth.
I never know how to end these mo'frickers... so voila, I'm done! Done. Fin. Finito. Kthxbye. :P
My p's are getting the big D and it's shaping up to become rather messy. I thought I was dealing with everything superbly well until a couple of weeks ago when I realized I was crying every day about really stupid shit and feeling completely overwhelmed and alone in the universe. Fortunately, I caught myself in time and realized that instead of focusing so much of my efforts on what I planned to do to keep moving forward in spite of it all, I needed to allow myself a moment to at least catch my breath and wrap my head around this all rather than swallowing it whole. Just because I'm 22 doesn't mean I can't be affected by this, and just because I'm an adult who lived out of state and on my own for over four years doesn't mean I can't feel that a little part of me is breaking into pieces right along with whatever relationship they had. It's a big step, to stop writing off everything you're going through as minutiae and come face to face with the reality that while your trials and tribulations aren't astronomically terrible or anything no one else has survived before, they are things that no one perceives or experiences in quite the same way that you do and that you are uniquely affected by them. I accepted the reality that some things are going to bother me and just because I've emerged face up and singing from everything else I've experienced, be it positive or negative, I still need to allow myself the chance to absorb goings-on for what they are rather than concerning myself only with how I'll keep moving forward. Not that that's a bad thing to concern oneself with; it just winds up kind of counterproductive when your suppressed worries come back to bite you in the ass for ignoring them so long. :)
So -- crisis averted! And I couldn't be happier. G just moved into a townhome 20-25 minutes away from my mom's house, and we're absolutely loving the chance to get to see each other more and fix the house up and simply live life side by side a little bit more often. After a good eleven-ish months of the long-distance thang, I think we've paid our dues and deserve to simply enjoy each other and the simple joys that come with being nearby. It's made me so calm and content lately, and it's helped ease any "do I really love this person as much as I think I do?" questions or doubts lingering in the back of my mind. I'm viewing our relationship with a more defined clarity now, and more than anything I'm just grateful he's by my side through my adjustment to living and working at home in the first place (let alone all this parental crapola!). It's just another reason to be ridiculously happy with him and thankful, always thankful for his ability to keep my heart light and my worries at bay... or, at the very least, in perspective. I'm not sure exactly what word exists to describe the feeling you get when you realize love really is all it's cracked up to be -- maybe 'indescribable', and definitely not 'underrated'. He delights and challenges me at once, and I love it. Moving on.
I'm applying to graduate school near here, although I wish I could just run off, go somewhere, travel -- experience the freedom that comes with being a college graduate. In college, you're free in a sense but still held down by school; after graduation and without that minor little obligation, you're free. The fact that I was shit broke sort of interfered, though, and now I'm working (more to come on THAT at a later date). My inner gypsy probably won't be satisfied for some time, but I've got my entire life ahead of me to travel. Right now, what I want is (for the most part) in front of me, so I'm learning to be content with what I've got despite that inner voice that warns me to never settle, never be satisfied. There's a difference between content and satisfied, though, at least in my book -- so I'm alright with sticking around for the time being.
If you were that grad application I'm not yet finished with, you'd be calling my name and telling me to do you right now... so who am I to resist? I've rambled long enough :) I need to make this el-jay rambling thing a habit for me... I'm not as in tune with my thoughts and feelings as I think I am; I tend to experience things moment to moment and forget, amid all the hustle/bustle/hari-kari/what you will, to sit down and reflect. It's wonderfully therapeutic... and probably reminds the general populace that I have indeed not fallen off the face of the earth.
I never know how to end these mo'frickers... so voila, I'm done! Done. Fin. Finito. Kthxbye. :P