good times
I am writing this as I am lying (laying)?, dammit I don't even know and I go to University. Well anyway I am writing this as I am stretched out on my bed with my laptop in my lap. Thank GOD for laptops. I wish I could be more stretched out but if I let my knees buckle and release onto the mattress beneath me, my lap goes away. I need my lap to put my laptop on. As you may realize, I am not in the most comfortable position right now. I wish there were more people online I could talk to because I am wicked bored. I just had to say wicked. I know. It's a Rhode thang. Okay and I had to say "thang" because I think I am black. Seriously, how can I manage to have over 140 people (raw estimate) on my buddy list and only talk to three on a regular basis. Those three would be, in alphabetical order so no one gets offended...Abby, Jamie, and Stuart. Yesterday my friend from elementary school Ryan imed me. That was probably the highlight of my online life. I wish I kept in touch with people from my elementary school, and EP in general. I fucking hate bay view girls. No offense Abby and Jamie. I love you. And Kristyn and Stacey and Tina. Even though they don't read my livejournal. But I love them too. Actually I only dislike two or three people from Bay View. The people who absolutely ruined my senior year. Megan, Alicia, and Mollida. Because of them, Megan being the worst, I do not think I will be able to ever set foot at another Bay View function. For those of you who are uninformed about the situation. Megan was desperately jealous of the close friendship I had with Alicia. Therefore, she told some nasty lies about me to all my friends at our lunch table. See, she is a sarcastic girl, and to deal with her, you had to be sarcastic back. So when I was sarcastic back to her, she would take what I said "literally" and tell everyone I was the devil. I don't think she ever used the words "the devil" but you get the picture. She was awful to me. I asked Alicia for help in confronting Megan because I knew Alicia could get Megan to cut the fourth grade bullshit. However, Alicia's response was on the lines of, "Well, it's really not my problem." Great. That's what I got for being best friends with her since the seventh grade. Well the fact was. It was Alicia's problem because the reason Megan started the shit was because she was jealous of Alicia and I. She told me I was "possessive" of Alicia. Well for starters that statement is not something I would ever expect to hear in a friendship but that of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. See, I have this feeling that Megan is a lesbian. Which I feel very badly about because most lesbians are just amazing people, and with her in the group they are going to get a bad reputation. I believe that Megan was jealous because she had a huge secret crush on Alicia and she thought I was taking her chances away because 1.) I am at least 100 percent hotter. and 2.) My personality is not that of an ugly goat. See. I ruminate on this. My therapist says that I need to realize that I let things like this take up most of my life. My mom, who agrees Megan is a closet lesbian who secretly wants to fuck Alicia, says that they are not worth my time and energy. I should learn how to move on and forgive. I do not know if I can. See, I trusted Megan and Alicia with every bone in my body. For the longest time I was happy-go-lucky and innocent and loving the life and the friends I had. When someone stabs you in the back, especially at the end of senior year, it is not something that I can dismiss. I have never felt so betrayed in my life. The weird thing is, I seem to care about it more than I did during the summer, right after it happened. Maybe in a next journal entry I will pry open my heart and try to forgive those fuck ass bitches. But right now I don't seem to want to. The sad thing is, I know both of them are in the blue about how much they really hurt me. I'm sure Megan and Alicia never think twice about me, so why am I so wrapped up in ruminations about them? I would say I need psychiatric help. But I already have it, lol. On the grand scheme of things, I worry about the most petty situations. I sometimes feel guilty when I talk about my problems. I am really so blessed with the life I live, the friends I have, the school I attend. I'm in the middle of this crazy unpredictable journey that is my life, and sometimes I wonder why I cannot stand up straight on the two feet (again, blessed/lucky) I was born with.