I'm Motivated, I'm Motivated!
Two appointments at the sleep center this week, which is kind of grumpy-making given all the driving, and also hard on Brad.
The psychiatrist/insomnia doctor, regarding my lack of CPAP: "Do you need motivation? I'm good at motivating people." "I'm motivated! I'm motivated!" Brad has actually kindly filled out the Even More Paperwork (everything is all about the paperwork) and sent it to the company. The CPAP-getting process is actually pretty darn irksome; they have been calling me saying they don't think my insurance will cover it because it's fairly mild (which it is, but if the doctors really want me to try it, shouldn't they be letting that happen? Grr.)
Today I went again to see the physical doctors, who told me eleventy-million times that I shouldn't drive (figured THAT out years ago, thank you), said alarming things about doing surgery to the inside of my nose (which is supposedly outpatient but I want to see how I do on the CPAP before I go about removing body parts), and kept me waiting around a whole lot because the clinic had lost my chart. Since they were examining me in one of the sleep study rooms it took all of my willpower to not curl up in the bed while waiting for them to return; I was getting VERY tired and achy in the chair. This clinic seems to have lots of good doctors but I've had more paperwork snafus than anywhere. They kept asking me if I knew what my prescription was, settings wise, or what my sleep study had said about sleep disruptions per hour, and I really hadn't the faintest. On the good side, they are going to put something on my chart that says I really do need to try the CPAP, which should help insurance-wise.
I have follow-ups for each doctor, and if I get the CPAP next week I should have more actual data.
It was also funny to watch the evolution of the doctor, from the fourth year med student (very bright eyed and neotenous) to the (fellow? resident) to that guy's boss. I've no real idea why so many doctors are involved other than that it seems to be a training and research facility as much as a clinic.
Afterwards I was so zoned out I must have walked right by Brad as I looked for the car. After a long search I finally found it, with no Brad, no Moose; I figured they were out for a walk and settled in to wait... after an hour I went looking for them. They'd been waiting in the courtyard by the door for me to come out! So doh.
What with all of the waiting, I actually finished the latest Harry Potter book. No spoilers, but I liked it a lot.
Then home for storynight in WoW; a kind of quiet one with a few annoying crashers and some amusing personal plotline advancement stuff. Sadly I started crashing bigtime as it was ending so got to sleep. Woke up again a while ago too achy to continue sleeping, so I've resorted to sweet sweet ibuprofen and am waiting for it to kick in.
Moodwise, pretty much back to normal. About once a year, usually in the summer when I'm really feeling slow and awful, I seem to have a period where it gets to me and I have to reprocess everything and grieve again. This happened a few weeks ago. It gets easier to deal with when I realize what's happening, that's for sure. But there's usually the entire darn process of grief boiled down to a few days to a week, and this year was no different.
I really am tired of being sick. A lot of things about my life now seem arbitrary and bizarre and compressed. Trying to be more self-aware means that I am more aware when I'm in pain or uncomfortable, which is pretty much all of the time. I prefer not to complain about that a lot, because there is literally nothing I can do about it, and I don't like focusing on things I can't change. But it does get to me occasionally; I'll just get amazingly more sensitive to setbacks in general and I'll start worrying about the future. I'll get rather weepy, which is just weird for me. Then when I figure out what's happening it gets easier to process emotionally and my mood climbs back out again. It does seem to get easier as time goes on, but the periodic readjustments seem to be a necessary part of dealing with it emotionally.
Then I'm back to my normally scheduled life, which seems all the better. It's good to remember that despite everything, there is also room for plenty of happiness. Which is the upside of being more self-aware.
The psychiatrist/insomnia doctor, regarding my lack of CPAP: "Do you need motivation? I'm good at motivating people." "I'm motivated! I'm motivated!" Brad has actually kindly filled out the Even More Paperwork (everything is all about the paperwork) and sent it to the company. The CPAP-getting process is actually pretty darn irksome; they have been calling me saying they don't think my insurance will cover it because it's fairly mild (which it is, but if the doctors really want me to try it, shouldn't they be letting that happen? Grr.)
Today I went again to see the physical doctors, who told me eleventy-million times that I shouldn't drive (figured THAT out years ago, thank you), said alarming things about doing surgery to the inside of my nose (which is supposedly outpatient but I want to see how I do on the CPAP before I go about removing body parts), and kept me waiting around a whole lot because the clinic had lost my chart. Since they were examining me in one of the sleep study rooms it took all of my willpower to not curl up in the bed while waiting for them to return; I was getting VERY tired and achy in the chair. This clinic seems to have lots of good doctors but I've had more paperwork snafus than anywhere. They kept asking me if I knew what my prescription was, settings wise, or what my sleep study had said about sleep disruptions per hour, and I really hadn't the faintest. On the good side, they are going to put something on my chart that says I really do need to try the CPAP, which should help insurance-wise.
I have follow-ups for each doctor, and if I get the CPAP next week I should have more actual data.
It was also funny to watch the evolution of the doctor, from the fourth year med student (very bright eyed and neotenous) to the (fellow? resident) to that guy's boss. I've no real idea why so many doctors are involved other than that it seems to be a training and research facility as much as a clinic.
Afterwards I was so zoned out I must have walked right by Brad as I looked for the car. After a long search I finally found it, with no Brad, no Moose; I figured they were out for a walk and settled in to wait... after an hour I went looking for them. They'd been waiting in the courtyard by the door for me to come out! So doh.
What with all of the waiting, I actually finished the latest Harry Potter book. No spoilers, but I liked it a lot.
Then home for storynight in WoW; a kind of quiet one with a few annoying crashers and some amusing personal plotline advancement stuff. Sadly I started crashing bigtime as it was ending so got to sleep. Woke up again a while ago too achy to continue sleeping, so I've resorted to sweet sweet ibuprofen and am waiting for it to kick in.
Moodwise, pretty much back to normal. About once a year, usually in the summer when I'm really feeling slow and awful, I seem to have a period where it gets to me and I have to reprocess everything and grieve again. This happened a few weeks ago. It gets easier to deal with when I realize what's happening, that's for sure. But there's usually the entire darn process of grief boiled down to a few days to a week, and this year was no different.
I really am tired of being sick. A lot of things about my life now seem arbitrary and bizarre and compressed. Trying to be more self-aware means that I am more aware when I'm in pain or uncomfortable, which is pretty much all of the time. I prefer not to complain about that a lot, because there is literally nothing I can do about it, and I don't like focusing on things I can't change. But it does get to me occasionally; I'll just get amazingly more sensitive to setbacks in general and I'll start worrying about the future. I'll get rather weepy, which is just weird for me. Then when I figure out what's happening it gets easier to process emotionally and my mood climbs back out again. It does seem to get easier as time goes on, but the periodic readjustments seem to be a necessary part of dealing with it emotionally.
Then I'm back to my normally scheduled life, which seems all the better. It's good to remember that despite everything, there is also room for plenty of happiness. Which is the upside of being more self-aware.