Re: Ultimax
I CAN'T POST A REPLY TO YOUR POST WTF. So here it is:
I want to look at relationships logically, and I've tried that a lot in the past couple months. But I can't do that, I guess it's not my style. I'd rather a rocky relationship that makes me feel in love than a steady one that feels..."normal." And I'm not saying your relationship is normal, but that maybe normal guys just aren't for me..haha.
But looking back at the relationship between Nick and I, I don't think it was as miserable and dramatic as I made it seem in my head. Rather, I was very immature and self-centered. Not to say I was the sole reason for the breakup, but had I acted more aware of him, maybe I would have noticed that I was breaking him apart. And maybe if I stopped causing so much chaos in our relationship, I never would have broken him in the first place.
I keep thinking, had I done things right, had I treated my -own- life right and got myself out of the slump of 2009--or rather, the slump that IS my life--sooner, I would probably be moving in with Nick later this year and engaged to him when he finished undergrad in Dec (which you could say was the "plan"). But I can't change the past. And so then I keep thinking, if I were given a second chance, I could fix things this time. I could make him fall in love with me again.
But it's not up to me. It's a matter of when he feels "ready again," if ever. I wish I could show him how much I've grown up in just a couple months, how much I've learned and changed and how much I still am changing, but I can't. I can't shove it down his throat, or it looks like I'm just begging for him to give me another chance already even though I want to tell him just because of how proud I am of myself. And that's what's been hurting me the most lately.
And maybe it's blind hope, or maybe it's the idea of our history repeating itself, but now I keep thinking, if I focus on my life, on bettering myself, motivating myself, getting myself out of this slump and finding what makes me not feel so empty, then he'll be back by my side before I even notice.
The one and a half years we weren't talking in the past--I don't even remember that time anymore. I keep hoping the next two years will fly by and then suddenly I'll get a call...
And I know that's probably not what you want to hear. You were probably (and might still be) hoping for "I'm better off without him anyway" or "even if he begged me, I wouldn't take him back." But I don't think this hope is going to die out, even if I found a happier life.
Two years from now, I'll either be looking at this post and nodding my head, or laughing at how ridiculous I sound.
I want to look at relationships logically, and I've tried that a lot in the past couple months. But I can't do that, I guess it's not my style. I'd rather a rocky relationship that makes me feel in love than a steady one that feels..."normal." And I'm not saying your relationship is normal, but that maybe normal guys just aren't for me..haha.
But looking back at the relationship between Nick and I, I don't think it was as miserable and dramatic as I made it seem in my head. Rather, I was very immature and self-centered. Not to say I was the sole reason for the breakup, but had I acted more aware of him, maybe I would have noticed that I was breaking him apart. And maybe if I stopped causing so much chaos in our relationship, I never would have broken him in the first place.
I keep thinking, had I done things right, had I treated my -own- life right and got myself out of the slump of 2009--or rather, the slump that IS my life--sooner, I would probably be moving in with Nick later this year and engaged to him when he finished undergrad in Dec (which you could say was the "plan"). But I can't change the past. And so then I keep thinking, if I were given a second chance, I could fix things this time. I could make him fall in love with me again.
But it's not up to me. It's a matter of when he feels "ready again," if ever. I wish I could show him how much I've grown up in just a couple months, how much I've learned and changed and how much I still am changing, but I can't. I can't shove it down his throat, or it looks like I'm just begging for him to give me another chance already even though I want to tell him just because of how proud I am of myself. And that's what's been hurting me the most lately.
And maybe it's blind hope, or maybe it's the idea of our history repeating itself, but now I keep thinking, if I focus on my life, on bettering myself, motivating myself, getting myself out of this slump and finding what makes me not feel so empty, then he'll be back by my side before I even notice.
The one and a half years we weren't talking in the past--I don't even remember that time anymore. I keep hoping the next two years will fly by and then suddenly I'll get a call...
And I know that's probably not what you want to hear. You were probably (and might still be) hoping for "I'm better off without him anyway" or "even if he begged me, I wouldn't take him back." But I don't think this hope is going to die out, even if I found a happier life.
Two years from now, I'll either be looking at this post and nodding my head, or laughing at how ridiculous I sound.