(no subject)
Mom’s birthday...I’m on a plane to SF. I feel like a bad son. I’m just glad Grandma and Grandpa are going to fly to Montana for the first time to stay with her and Brandon for a short while. I don’t think they’ve been with her for her birthday for a while. I hope mom’s excited for that. I really wish I was there for that.
On a plane to SF...I’m actually scared. I’m staying with him. And I feel really bad cause I’m getting in real late (not to mention the contribution of a 45 minute flight delay) and he’s staying up to wait for me to get in even though he works tomorrow. I told him to sleep, but he insists he stays up. I hope he’s asleep...I’d rather sleep on the couch. I think this is going to be a difficult trip for me. He says we are just going to have fun: go shopping, go see an exhibit of the plasticized human body and it’s internal structure, I’ll cook him some chicken adobo and rice, go workout and run. It’ll be fun...I guess. All the things I’d love to do with someone that wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. But too bad, Gino...he’s kinda seeing a guy, but not really...and he wants to start off on the right foot with him, so playing around like last time. Not to mention I would like to start off on the right foot with Kyle if something were to spring with that.
But I could be moving down to SF too...I don’t know. It’s another crossroads in life for me; I need to decide to move and embark on an unforseen path that I never knew I would take (being a broker for my dad’s company in a new city), or stay put in Portland and work with the bank until I get into corporate level. What was a nice surprise during this final trip to NJ was that Nick called me from SF and notified me of an open ABCM position at a branch on Embarcadero that has recently opened up. He’s trying to hook me up with the manager for an interview. I dunno. I guess life is about taking risks. I’m having trouble deciding. I want to take the risk of moving, but I don’t want to move just because of a job. I want to move just because of me. I don’t want anything controlling my life other than my own being. I don’t want to become a drone and work for “the man” and be his pawn for his domination of the lucrative world of business. I want to move because I feel like I have to, like there is a yearning inside me to make me go, because there is something calling out to me to do so. I dunno. I’m just confused. It’s a big world and it kind of scares me.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my issue with Bitch. I want to write a little essay on my thoughts of alcohol, its interaction with society and culture, and my experiences with it as one who has never experienced the buzz. Watching the movie “Sideways” twice on these cross-continental flights got me a-thinking about it...just a thought. “Memoirs of a Sober Fag.” Good title, huh?
I’ve really been craving a guy to be in my life. Just recently coming out during Thanksgiving, I feel that the next step is to date a guy long term. Never have, unless you call my first boyfriend of 3 months long term. I kind of feel like I’m missing something in life. Everyone has dated. Everyone around me is in a committed relationship. The movies, shows, plays, books are about this thing called love. Being a romantic at heart, I really want to give it a go, but my pickiness has put a stint on my efforts. I guess my prayer to God to keep me single is still in effect. I don’t want that occasional hookup, it gets old and is meaningless. I want to do things with intention, with a real reason, not just to satisfy an urge that’s built into my mind. I have my hands to take care of the urges when they arise (no pun intended).
I wish life didn’t throw so many obstacles and painful things at us...but I guess that’s the game and I just have to wait my turn to get the perfect hand dealt.
On a plane to SF...I’m actually scared. I’m staying with him. And I feel really bad cause I’m getting in real late (not to mention the contribution of a 45 minute flight delay) and he’s staying up to wait for me to get in even though he works tomorrow. I told him to sleep, but he insists he stays up. I hope he’s asleep...I’d rather sleep on the couch. I think this is going to be a difficult trip for me. He says we are just going to have fun: go shopping, go see an exhibit of the plasticized human body and it’s internal structure, I’ll cook him some chicken adobo and rice, go workout and run. It’ll be fun...I guess. All the things I’d love to do with someone that wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. But too bad, Gino...he’s kinda seeing a guy, but not really...and he wants to start off on the right foot with him, so playing around like last time. Not to mention I would like to start off on the right foot with Kyle if something were to spring with that.
But I could be moving down to SF too...I don’t know. It’s another crossroads in life for me; I need to decide to move and embark on an unforseen path that I never knew I would take (being a broker for my dad’s company in a new city), or stay put in Portland and work with the bank until I get into corporate level. What was a nice surprise during this final trip to NJ was that Nick called me from SF and notified me of an open ABCM position at a branch on Embarcadero that has recently opened up. He’s trying to hook me up with the manager for an interview. I dunno. I guess life is about taking risks. I’m having trouble deciding. I want to take the risk of moving, but I don’t want to move just because of a job. I want to move just because of me. I don’t want anything controlling my life other than my own being. I don’t want to become a drone and work for “the man” and be his pawn for his domination of the lucrative world of business. I want to move because I feel like I have to, like there is a yearning inside me to make me go, because there is something calling out to me to do so. I dunno. I’m just confused. It’s a big world and it kind of scares me.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my issue with Bitch. I want to write a little essay on my thoughts of alcohol, its interaction with society and culture, and my experiences with it as one who has never experienced the buzz. Watching the movie “Sideways” twice on these cross-continental flights got me a-thinking about it...just a thought. “Memoirs of a Sober Fag.” Good title, huh?
I’ve really been craving a guy to be in my life. Just recently coming out during Thanksgiving, I feel that the next step is to date a guy long term. Never have, unless you call my first boyfriend of 3 months long term. I kind of feel like I’m missing something in life. Everyone has dated. Everyone around me is in a committed relationship. The movies, shows, plays, books are about this thing called love. Being a romantic at heart, I really want to give it a go, but my pickiness has put a stint on my efforts. I guess my prayer to God to keep me single is still in effect. I don’t want that occasional hookup, it gets old and is meaningless. I want to do things with intention, with a real reason, not just to satisfy an urge that’s built into my mind. I have my hands to take care of the urges when they arise (no pun intended).
I wish life didn’t throw so many obstacles and painful things at us...but I guess that’s the game and I just have to wait my turn to get the perfect hand dealt.