in a downward spiril...
my life is spiriling downward. it's funny cause i'm sitting outside myself watching as my life, my body, my mind slip away. am i slipping away from reality? i don't know. i don't know what's real and what's fake. i don't know i don't know i don't know anymore...who am i? have i grown up? have i stayed the same? did my mind take a giant step back to being way too immature? i don't know what i'm thinking. i don't know what's going on in my head, what's been going on in my head for the past few months..what am i doing? why am i here? why am i in so much pain? why can't i be happy? i try, i really do..when i am happy, i realize that it's fake. i'm not really happy. i don't really know what happy is. i know nothing about what it's like to be and feel the opposite of sad, depressed, lonely...everything negative. i noticed a part of me that i thought i lost forever or i don't know, grew out of maybe..but nope, it's back. i feel like i'm in elementry and middle school again. i was a very lonely kid growing up. i noticed that i'm doing the some of the same shit that i used to do when i was sad and lonely as a kid. i'm wishing for things that i know will never come true. watching and obsessing over movies and the people in it. watching that movie or show over and over again at home by myself wish i could be with that person or bejust like that person. watching shit like that over and over again makes me feel like i'm a part of their world, just watching, not being involved at all in their lives, but am very much a part of it. when the movie is over, all those feelings i left behind while watching that movie all come rushing back, so i hurry up and put another movie in or play the same movie again so i don't have to feel all my hurting inside. i dream of being anyone but myself. that's why i get obsessed with certain movies and the people that star in them... DON'T WANT TO BE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can't i be anyone but myself for a little while? i'm giving up...i can feel it. my mind is so fucking fragile, so fucking weak..it can't take any more. i want to be done now. i'm tired inside..my mind is tired. i've been through so much already and i'm only 18 years old. what else can there be? what else can i experience? i already feel like i'm old and tired mentally. i can't do this anymore. i already know i'm not going to live that long. i don't really see myself getting really old, i don't really see a future for myself. i really believe that i'm not supposed to live a long life...it's like i can feel it. i've felt it ever since i was little. i'm really kind of glad. i really don't want to live again after this life is over. i kinda just want to sit up in the sky and watching people live their lives. i love to just watch, not be a part of...but ya...i'm...a very sad girl..very sad little girl. i really want to just curl up in a small ball in the corner of my closet and just hiding for people and the world we live in. i know i'm really fucked up in the head, but i really don't care what anyone thinks anymore. ok i secretly do but i'm trying to pretend that i don't care. i just want some company i guess. but i also want to find someone...at the same time i don't. whenever i would watch an actor on tv or in a movie act like they weren't looking for love or just a relationship, i always wondered how they did it. like...i mean i know people in real life do that shit all the time. they don't want a relationship or to find love at that point in time. i always wondered how you can just not look for someone, cause i always found myself looking even when i tried my hardest not to. but now...i want so badly to find someone to be in a relationship with or whatever, but i can't. i'm too scared. i think if i really found someone, i would be a chicken and run away. but i have to go cause i have to pee.