Wow
So have I really not posted anything in that long?
Hmmm.
I suppose I do need to clarify a couple of things.
Humberto and I broke up. It was NOT working out. What do you expect really? We had no privacy of any kind, no time to ourselves. He therefore flung himself at his band, and proceeded to break numerous promises to me. He didn’t like me drinking if he wasn’t around. He was supposed to do the same. He never did. He stayed out with his friends till 2, 3, 4, once even 6:00 am. Three times he didn’t come back at all. I found semi-evidence of … who knows what. Bottles, girls’ sunglasses, the smell of smoke, a window left down all night, someone named Jordan’s phone number who had very frilly writing. All in all it means nothing, but it bothered me. And I felt as if I were pouring all my money into the Humberto foundation. And he’s so racist. You know, I do think if we tried really hard we could have fixed that. But I don’t think he’ll get over his hate. I could be wrong. I don’t care to see.
So that’s very much over.
And I’ve moved on.
More later.
I'm so mad at myself right now. I need to appreciate people. And I'm not. And I know I'm being a selfish little prick, and I'm not caring for others, and I'm taking them all for granted. But this doesn't stop me from feeling let down.
What exactly am I talking about?
My birthday.
Every time I make a big deal out of it, it backfires somehow. I just wanted to do something. Anything. Something that I don't do every weekend. No Vodka and OJ, no fast food, no sitting around watching the same old lame movies. I didn't really expect a party, just ... something different. Some real food maybe. Maybe a drenk that *I* like, I'd KILL for some Bailey's right now.
And cake.
21 is the last age you have to look forward to. What else is there?
Seriously.
I'm so mad at myself for being like this though. I should be happy. I should be happy. Blair bought me a beautiful present. My Mom gave me $50. That's a lot. Granted, it went to necessities instead of luxuries, but still. How else would I have paid that bill, or got gas? And I did get a sweater on sale too. I should be happy. That's a good present. Then Jerry gave me another $20. All together they gave me $70 and a card. That is a good present. I SHOULD BE HAPPY.
Daniel took me out to dinner and to see Balls of Furry. I hadn't been to Denny’s since his birthday in June. Okay, it's Denny’s. But I like Denny’s; they have good ranch and fries. And the movie was fun! And he’s my little brother, he’s still in high school, what do I want, the Hope Diamond? I SHOULD BE HAPPY.
Okay, so Justin’s plans got totally screwed up due to a hot temper. But you know that was partially my fault. He had this whole romantic surprise thing planned, he had a room booked, we were going to go out and stuff. But I started a fight that I didn’t realize I was starting, and people over reacted, and basically that got cancelled due to him being mad, and the person’s name it was under over reacting and thinking it was much bigger … I don’t really know. One fight and everything falls apart. But that is not his fault. And in the end it was a really fun day. But we did the same thing we always do. Sit around his house and watch movies. Eat fast food. Drink the same cheap wine. But I should be happy because I know he tried so hard to get something to work.
My Grandma tried to call me but my phone was off. Weird phone. And she sent me a card and $10.
Don’t ask me to tell you why the hell I’m so upset. I can’t. I’m SO mad at myself for being mad.
Does that make it better?
Bah.
I feel like crap.
I'll finish this rant some other time.