Topic 3: Smile
I'm not a serious person.
I mean... I know when to be serious. I can turn it on when it needs to happen. But it's not my default setting. I greatly prefer to approach life with humor. I'm quick to laugh, hard to offend, and always looking for the joke.
I'm also very easily read. I've got a facial expression for every situation. Of course, most of them can be translated to, "Are you serious right now?" But that's just because I spend a lot of time dealing with idiots. Regardless. If you've pissed me off, rest assured you will read it on my face before I even utter a syllable. Sometimes I don't have to speak at all.
All of this considered... I don't smile that often. I know, it doesn't make sense to me, either.
I got a lot of crap when I was younger for being too stoic. Unaffected. Emotionless. And to be fair, I kind of was. Whoever said high school was the best time of your life is a damn dirty liar. And that guy can rot with the douche who said the same thing about college, but I digress. I didn't emote back then because I didn't have much to emote over. I found life to be kind of...gray. Not black. Just gray. Bland. Sure, I had great friends. But school bored me, I lived in a lame small town... I wanted out. I was waiting. Because nothing about where I was truly excited me. (The irony in this statement is delicious, isn't it? I'M STILL HERE.)
But I changed around 19. Got a little more comfortable with myself and my surroundings, and learned to accept things as they came and do the best I could to enjoy them. Antidepressants undoubtedly had a hand in that, but either way... I wasn't the same. Sure, the meds made it so I couldn't cry. But who needs to cry anyway? Just laugh. Laugh at everything. Take absolutely nothing seriously. That's what I did. I was almost TOO easy-going for a long time. The ability I have now to be serious when the situation calls for it? Didn't exist then. But you'd still be hard-pressed to find a picture of me smiling. I may have seemed happy, but at the most basic level...it was still fake.
In recent years, post-Paxil, I think I've struck a balance. Depending on the day, of course. But I'm still not the type to walk around with a smile plastered to my face. I still get asked all the time if something's "wrong" with me, simply because I don't grin like an idiot. But that still hasn't inspired me to look more chipper on a regular basis.
I guess it all just makes me wonder if, no matter how hard I laugh, or how much I seem to be enjoying myself, I'll ever find myself happy. Happy enough to smile like I mean it. Not "that joke was funny" happy, or "my pills make me do this" happy. I'm not UNhappy as a general rule, but if I can't sustain a genuine smile... Then what does that make me?
I mean... I know when to be serious. I can turn it on when it needs to happen. But it's not my default setting. I greatly prefer to approach life with humor. I'm quick to laugh, hard to offend, and always looking for the joke.
I'm also very easily read. I've got a facial expression for every situation. Of course, most of them can be translated to, "Are you serious right now?" But that's just because I spend a lot of time dealing with idiots. Regardless. If you've pissed me off, rest assured you will read it on my face before I even utter a syllable. Sometimes I don't have to speak at all.
All of this considered... I don't smile that often. I know, it doesn't make sense to me, either.
I got a lot of crap when I was younger for being too stoic. Unaffected. Emotionless. And to be fair, I kind of was. Whoever said high school was the best time of your life is a damn dirty liar. And that guy can rot with the douche who said the same thing about college, but I digress. I didn't emote back then because I didn't have much to emote over. I found life to be kind of...gray. Not black. Just gray. Bland. Sure, I had great friends. But school bored me, I lived in a lame small town... I wanted out. I was waiting. Because nothing about where I was truly excited me. (The irony in this statement is delicious, isn't it? I'M STILL HERE.)
But I changed around 19. Got a little more comfortable with myself and my surroundings, and learned to accept things as they came and do the best I could to enjoy them. Antidepressants undoubtedly had a hand in that, but either way... I wasn't the same. Sure, the meds made it so I couldn't cry. But who needs to cry anyway? Just laugh. Laugh at everything. Take absolutely nothing seriously. That's what I did. I was almost TOO easy-going for a long time. The ability I have now to be serious when the situation calls for it? Didn't exist then. But you'd still be hard-pressed to find a picture of me smiling. I may have seemed happy, but at the most basic level...it was still fake.
In recent years, post-Paxil, I think I've struck a balance. Depending on the day, of course. But I'm still not the type to walk around with a smile plastered to my face. I still get asked all the time if something's "wrong" with me, simply because I don't grin like an idiot. But that still hasn't inspired me to look more chipper on a regular basis.
I guess it all just makes me wonder if, no matter how hard I laugh, or how much I seem to be enjoying myself, I'll ever find myself happy. Happy enough to smile like I mean it. Not "that joke was funny" happy, or "my pills make me do this" happy. I'm not UNhappy as a general rule, but if I can't sustain a genuine smile... Then what does that make me?