(no subject)
I'm exhausted, really. But I want to get this out.
I'm actually a little afraid to write this, because... Well, I think you guys will see.
I've been more open recently about my asexuality and the fact that, despite a lack of desire to make sexytimes with anyone, I'm maybe not 100% straight in my attractions. Physically, I'm still all about the menfolk. But I'd never close myself off to the possibility that I'd totally click with another girl and all the important business would fall into place.
I haven't even been trying to meet men in the past, oh, six months or so. I'm not feeling up to the games and the drama, and I'm tired of running into the same characters over and over. I can't find anyone mature and non-shallow, with their shit together, who wants more than just to get in my pants. So I just figured I'd give it a rest. Let a few of the good ones break up with their controlling bitch girlfriends and get back on the market, y'know?
But lately, like over the past two weeks or so... I don't know if it's an identity crisis, or if I'm just bored or lonely or what... This thought has crossed my mind: "Would it be so wrong if I felt like dating a girl?"
No, this is not because I've suddenly found myself with a "girlcrush" and am trying to reconcile my confusion. Trust me, there's no particular person I'm interested in. I don't know how to meet people in the first place, so...really? Not so much. And it's also not a "well, it hasn't worked with guys, so now I'm gonna try girls" thing, either. Nor am I just horny for vag and boobs. Because...well, do I need to explain that? It's more like... "I wonder what would happen. I wonder if I'd like it. I wonder if that's what it would take for me to find the right person."
But I don't want to be a "bicurious" cliche. The girl that's "experimenting" in her 20s just for the hell of it. Because that's not how I see myself. I mean... Does this make me "bicurious"? I guess it might. Would it be an "experiment"? Well...yeah. But there's no saying it wouldn't lead to something serious, or at least be a learning opportunity. I wouldn't be doing it to be "edgy." And I don't even want a label, because that's the first step toward making myself look like an asshole if I go back to dick. You know, metaphorically speaking.
I think we love who we love. I don't think it matters what equipment the other party has, or how they identify. We fall for the person. And at first, I was comfortable with that in others. Because most of my friends are queer in some way. They taught me that. And then I figured out that, if I can accept that as a concept, then it's also okay to apply it to myself. In other words, even though I never made a bold statement and shouted from the rooftops about my straightness, I never really thought of myself as anything other than heterosexual. But as I got older and realized my asexuality wasn't just "because I couldn't get any," I also realized that, without sex in the equation, it didn't fucking matter who I ended up with in a relationship. If I'm not messing around down there, why should I care what's in your pants?
I'm hung up on what people will think. I'm hung up on whether they're going to call me a poser. I'm hung up on how all the narrow-minded fuckers in the world will think I've "gone gay." I don't want anyone believing this is insincere or a "phase" or whatever other judgments they'll inevitably pass.
I still feel like there are people who accept homosexuality, but dismiss bisexuality. And I think those peoples' heads would explode if you tried to explain pansexuality. Or told them how many letters are now involved in the LGBTQQA...whatever community (fuck, I don't even know 'em all). There are a lot of "black or white" and "this or that" people in the world, who think they're somehow paragons of tolerance because they recognize the presence of a second option. But there are never just two options. To anything.
Ultimately, I'll say "fuck 'em," and do what I want. I can handle being called a "freak," or being told it's "unnatural." I'll own that. I've been fielding that stuff by proxy for years (and it's harder when it's not yourself, but people you love). But the knowledge that someone out there is going to think I'm less than genuine... That stings. I am a lot of things, a number of them less than flattering. But I am not a liar, and I am not fake. I'm not doing this for attention, or to fit in. I'm doing it to help find myself. And I have a feeling that's going to be hard for people to comprehend.
And by the way... This is pretty personal, but it's public for a reason. Because I'm not going to hide.
I'm actually a little afraid to write this, because... Well, I think you guys will see.
I've been more open recently about my asexuality and the fact that, despite a lack of desire to make sexytimes with anyone, I'm maybe not 100% straight in my attractions. Physically, I'm still all about the menfolk. But I'd never close myself off to the possibility that I'd totally click with another girl and all the important business would fall into place.
I haven't even been trying to meet men in the past, oh, six months or so. I'm not feeling up to the games and the drama, and I'm tired of running into the same characters over and over. I can't find anyone mature and non-shallow, with their shit together, who wants more than just to get in my pants. So I just figured I'd give it a rest. Let a few of the good ones break up with their controlling bitch girlfriends and get back on the market, y'know?
But lately, like over the past two weeks or so... I don't know if it's an identity crisis, or if I'm just bored or lonely or what... This thought has crossed my mind: "Would it be so wrong if I felt like dating a girl?"
No, this is not because I've suddenly found myself with a "girlcrush" and am trying to reconcile my confusion. Trust me, there's no particular person I'm interested in. I don't know how to meet people in the first place, so...really? Not so much. And it's also not a "well, it hasn't worked with guys, so now I'm gonna try girls" thing, either. Nor am I just horny for vag and boobs. Because...well, do I need to explain that? It's more like... "I wonder what would happen. I wonder if I'd like it. I wonder if that's what it would take for me to find the right person."
But I don't want to be a "bicurious" cliche. The girl that's "experimenting" in her 20s just for the hell of it. Because that's not how I see myself. I mean... Does this make me "bicurious"? I guess it might. Would it be an "experiment"? Well...yeah. But there's no saying it wouldn't lead to something serious, or at least be a learning opportunity. I wouldn't be doing it to be "edgy." And I don't even want a label, because that's the first step toward making myself look like an asshole if I go back to dick. You know, metaphorically speaking.
I think we love who we love. I don't think it matters what equipment the other party has, or how they identify. We fall for the person. And at first, I was comfortable with that in others. Because most of my friends are queer in some way. They taught me that. And then I figured out that, if I can accept that as a concept, then it's also okay to apply it to myself. In other words, even though I never made a bold statement and shouted from the rooftops about my straightness, I never really thought of myself as anything other than heterosexual. But as I got older and realized my asexuality wasn't just "because I couldn't get any," I also realized that, without sex in the equation, it didn't fucking matter who I ended up with in a relationship. If I'm not messing around down there, why should I care what's in your pants?
I'm hung up on what people will think. I'm hung up on whether they're going to call me a poser. I'm hung up on how all the narrow-minded fuckers in the world will think I've "gone gay." I don't want anyone believing this is insincere or a "phase" or whatever other judgments they'll inevitably pass.
I still feel like there are people who accept homosexuality, but dismiss bisexuality. And I think those peoples' heads would explode if you tried to explain pansexuality. Or told them how many letters are now involved in the LGBTQQA...whatever community (fuck, I don't even know 'em all). There are a lot of "black or white" and "this or that" people in the world, who think they're somehow paragons of tolerance because they recognize the presence of a second option. But there are never just two options. To anything.
Ultimately, I'll say "fuck 'em," and do what I want. I can handle being called a "freak," or being told it's "unnatural." I'll own that. I've been fielding that stuff by proxy for years (and it's harder when it's not yourself, but people you love). But the knowledge that someone out there is going to think I'm less than genuine... That stings. I am a lot of things, a number of them less than flattering. But I am not a liar, and I am not fake. I'm not doing this for attention, or to fit in. I'm doing it to help find myself. And I have a feeling that's going to be hard for people to comprehend.
And by the way... This is pretty personal, but it's public for a reason. Because I'm not going to hide.