This morning's running commentary
The easiest way to make the suicidal thoughts go away is to remove me from the situation.
I really want to try Landy Cognac, now that I know Snoop Dogg is a fan. He has a Christmas album! I've been enjoying it, but I can't find the soundbyte I like most. I keep listening to Xmas in Frisko hoping to hear it again.
I'm turning the Twitch on a lot more lately. If I don't put pressure on myself, I can make a quick little broadcast and feel good about it. I just need to...keep doing that. If I want to make it more sophisticated later, I will.
It's easy and straightforward and in the end, I'm playing a video game, which is the thing I want most. I just want to be doing something and enjoying it. That's my (very low) bar for doing something. I wind up doing nothing most of the time, because anything else, I wouldn't enjoy.
I don't like doing ANYTHING much lately, so I do nothing most of the time.
I'm kind of impressed, though, that I've been doing work every day. Not real work. But I'm going through ALL the steps of designing and building an attraction. I'm about 1/3rd done. Finale scenes are always 1/4th of the speaker count. At this point, though, the attraction concept is written, so now I'm just defining what's on the screen, what's an actual figure, and what has effect speakers. This is all what my ACTUAL job was like for years, so I'm back into doing my job. It's just a shame that it won't actually become anything. It's only sharpening skills for something later.
I love to play LIVE MUSIC. Someone give me an instrument and lets PLAY! I don't want to care about hitting every note perfectly, so I don't want to RECORD. I just want to PLAY. Can we JAM TOGETHER???
If I could port this entire setup to another house, I could easily make another Rock Band setup. Multiple drums, guitars, etc. and use the one you like best. Let's ROCK together. Nowadays, I could even make my own tracks for Rock Band. I'm that level of hacker. :) But I don't have space or time to do it: I need a garage-sized space. I need $3000. I need a location that doesn't get torn down or used during the day for other reasons. Holovis had all that right there in their office; I knew I could turn their office into a Rock Band party, and intended to do that one day.
I'm not emotionally ready to duel with them, and I think I'm better off leaving them in the past. I wonder, though, where the future is taking me. Yesterday, it looked like education. Today, it looks like engineering. Tomorrow, it might be either. Ultimately, it might be whichever one gets success first. I'll never stop doing both. But maybe Sylvan nearby needs tutors. Maybe I can run a part-time shift with that. Any $$$ helps.