(no subject)
"Flash, why did you go off ALL your psychiatry meds?"
I've discussed this at length with two therapists! There is a good reason I am intentionally not taking any psychiatric mediation. Science-based!
Both therapists asked a similar question: "Doesn't that make you feel numb?" Both were surprised to find out I was on 7 pills a day. At this point, I can't necessarily name every one. Included in my medical history were SSRIs, SNRIs, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, sleep aids, ADHD-medication, and more. I don't remember exactly which ones I was on at the end, and I have now thrown them all out, confident I didn't want to re-enter the medication roulette with old meds.
My chiropractor was the first one to say something that made immediate sense to me: "Oh, it sounds like the antidepressant did its job, and you don't need it anymore." Therapy, Friendships, and life we all improving, too, since I'd stopped re-trying Zoloft. It was obvious: The Zoloft made an immediate difference, but going OFF the Zoloft made a better change.
Analyze that a bit further, and when I went off 7 medications in March, for good, I was bound for a few months of utter misery. All of those medications have withdrawal symptoms. I was on a low dose of everything, I wasn't worried about getting dangerously ill. It also probably meant that I didn't understand why my brain was so tumultuous. The medication withdrawal probably impaled my common logic for a while. April, May, June, July, August, September...are mostly a blur. I can look at my writing, but I don't have a lot to show for those months. I was scared. I was angry. I was worried. I don't have much to remember it by, either. Maybe for the best, spending countless days by myself.
I tell people it's been 500 days in this house. I can guarantee over 150 of them have been without any psychiatrist's medication, save the occasional Clonopin. I take one about once a week, for the very worst moments. They are a great help.
Why did I take all those medications before? Both therapists had a recommendation: I needed to be numb.
Imagine the threat of punishment and discipline hangs over you daily. You NEVER KNOW what's going to piss her off. You also are probably doing things that would piss her off, but you either don't remember the things, or you don't believe the things were bad. She is GUARANTEED to flip out, pretty much every day. I just did my best to mitigate it, or hide from it, or etc. All those medications made sure that my intense PTSD-fear didn't shut me down. Sometimes, even the pills couldn't even contain the PTSD symptoms. Also, we weren't medicating PTSD, we were medicating intense fear and hopelessness.
Thankfully, for most of those 500 days, I've not made anyone mad. Not that I can see, anyway. I hide here in my little garage and I don't talk to anyone and I don't make anyone mad. I still wait, most of the time, for someone to appear and tell me what a failure I've become, how bad I am, and why don't I just get over it and let my ex-wife take care of me?
I just wait, every second, for the next person to say it, and then I'll FLIP OUT. I don't want to live my life terrified that she's going to call me a bad friend, a bad husband, a lesser father. I'm still so mad that she said she was more important than me...like, fuck, why am I even a dad if you say I'm not on the same level as mom?
So I just don't talk to ANYONE who knows my past, because they invariably all start with, "Why don't you see your kids," "why don't you work out custody," "why haven't you sought benefits or any money from the divorce? Or your stuff?"
"Why can't you just get a job? Any job, and you'll have a house, roommate, and social interaction!"
NO ONE GETS IT. I just live in FEAR, all the time. "Why don't I?" Because you're going to explain to me why my restrictions and fears are unimportant. You're going to tell me I'm stupid, or stubborn, or selfish for not taking care of myself. OK, I can take it. I'll sleep on a bench, or in a car. I'll starve, I'll be cold and dirty and alone and broke. Great. Now, remind me again why I'm not doing all those other things? Am I still stupid, stubborn, or selfish when I have nothing?
"If you just got a job, you could avoid all this!" Yes, OK, find me a job that won't give me nightmares. I worked at McDonalds for two days, did you know? The anxiety was so intense that I gave up on the 3rd day. I can't keep doing that, so I'm not going to take jobs that I can't keep. And I can't keep jobs that have angry, pushy bosses or intense pressure on bullshit things like wiping tables. I don't want to "look busy." I want to do my job, and have a smoke when I'm done.
Radio always seemed like a nice job because it is measured in 3-minute, 15-minute, and hour-long blocks. There's only about thirty seconds of "paying attention." It's a remarkably chill job, as long as you don't mind juggling five events at once. They only need attention every three minutes, though. :)
I also think there's hope for a job with constantly-changing schedules, projects, or tasks. Those are easy to find. But again: I can't do a mindless, stupid job. I get FREAKED OUT, no matter how capable I am. I need a job to keep me engaged and interested. ...and I don't know what will do that.
I can't do the opposite. Amanda once made me feel TERRIBLE with a comment, "I don't know why you can't just [take a stupid job], but you can't." I can't! I'd rather die than work another day at McDonalds. If I was forced to stand for shift, and you handed me a gun while I was standing at my McD's shift, I'd die. Instead, I'm just not going to work at McDonald's again, because then I won't feel like dying.
And it's that simple. I'd love to find a job, but they all make me feel like dying. It has little to do with qualifications, skill, or strength, and a lot more to do with....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA