The general stuff
I'm not at work right now because my hips hurt. That sounds so lame, doesn't it?
I'm not used to being fragile, so it does sound pathetic to me. But I'm not supposed to have fragile checked in the enduring traits ticky-box. I keep having to change the ways I think of myself, long past the revelations and self-explorations that I expected to sort this stuff out. I knew a certain amount of updating would be needed, but I didn't think this much work would be required. Then again, I wasn't planning on acquiring *another disability*, so I guess that's fair.
I've had an invisible disability that I've been training myself to be functional with since my teens. And now that I've gotten a hold on mostly being able to take care of myself even when depressed, it's time for another huge problem? I may be getting ahead of myself. Only 3 out of the 5 most likely options are permanent conditions, and 1 of those can have long dormancy periods between flare-ups. It still feels like a massive betrayal to not be able to take full steps right now without hot flares of pain. And it's not just that it feels personal, it's that this wouldn't be fair to have happen to anyone.
I have more skills now about controlling factors that can be controlled and not letting myself panic into the helplessness that lies beyond my factors of control. I am apparently NOT better than I used to be about being dependent on other people, and that's currently my big emotional challenge. I hate the feeling of having to need people, because what if they don't want to be needed right then? What if my reliance is sometimes welcome, but always a burden? How will I stay on the "worth it" side of the cost-benefit ratio in my social situations if I have to rely on others for the things I'm used to bringing to the table?
I know there are answers, but right now everything feels big and threatening. I'm going to turn my emotions off and start doing my disaster planning now that I've felt my way through my feelings for a while, and then I will try to get some real sleep that isn't dozing propped up on the couch. I may have to start planning for all available worst-case scenarios, just so I have plans in place and don't have as much lag between something going wrong and knowing what to do about it.
I'm not used to being fragile, so it does sound pathetic to me. But I'm not supposed to have fragile checked in the enduring traits ticky-box. I keep having to change the ways I think of myself, long past the revelations and self-explorations that I expected to sort this stuff out. I knew a certain amount of updating would be needed, but I didn't think this much work would be required. Then again, I wasn't planning on acquiring *another disability*, so I guess that's fair.
I've had an invisible disability that I've been training myself to be functional with since my teens. And now that I've gotten a hold on mostly being able to take care of myself even when depressed, it's time for another huge problem? I may be getting ahead of myself. Only 3 out of the 5 most likely options are permanent conditions, and 1 of those can have long dormancy periods between flare-ups. It still feels like a massive betrayal to not be able to take full steps right now without hot flares of pain. And it's not just that it feels personal, it's that this wouldn't be fair to have happen to anyone.
I have more skills now about controlling factors that can be controlled and not letting myself panic into the helplessness that lies beyond my factors of control. I am apparently NOT better than I used to be about being dependent on other people, and that's currently my big emotional challenge. I hate the feeling of having to need people, because what if they don't want to be needed right then? What if my reliance is sometimes welcome, but always a burden? How will I stay on the "worth it" side of the cost-benefit ratio in my social situations if I have to rely on others for the things I'm used to bringing to the table?
I know there are answers, but right now everything feels big and threatening. I'm going to turn my emotions off and start doing my disaster planning now that I've felt my way through my feelings for a while, and then I will try to get some real sleep that isn't dozing propped up on the couch. I may have to start planning for all available worst-case scenarios, just so I have plans in place and don't have as much lag between something going wrong and knowing what to do about it.