Revelations and Personal Victories
I had a fabulous weekend. Seriously. It was lovely. The best I've had in a LONG, long time. Therapy Friday was painful as usual, but I left with one assignment that paved the way for my "comforting" weekend. Assignment: Seek out and identify things that comfort you (scents, tastes, actions, environments, etc.) And that's what I did. And it worked.
On the drive back to Sac from Davis I started thinking about things I found comforting and quickly realized that I had to begin to really distinguish from things that truly bring me comfort and things that bring me relief or just numb me out. Gym=Relief. Surfing the web=Numbing me out. Reading= Comfortably Numbing (a mental break). Cooking = Comforting. The smell of vanilla or lavender = Comforting. Comfort food = Comforting. =) Etc. Just being able to distinguish the difference between what's "essential" and what's a black hole did wonders for me. I added another element and it was a perfect storm of bliss.
I have a very hard time being present. I'm thinking days, weeks, months and, very often, years ahead all of the time. I'm never thinking about right now, and if I am, it's in the context of "how is what I'm doing right now going to affect me next week, or five years from now." I didn't even realize how strongly I gravitate toward this behavior, but it's true, and it can be crippling. I can be in the moment when someone needs me. I can focus on that person, be there for that person and really empathize. Maybe that's why some people think I give such great advice, because I'm not looking at how X-situation is affecting you right now; I'm looking at what your future could be like if X-situation doesn't change (for the better or worse).
Anyway,I tried to focus my day Saturday at one-two hour increments of time, while implementing my "seek out comfort" assignment, and I have to say that I was exceptionally productive and completely relaxed. I got my hair done, went to yoga, went to Whole Foods, completed my homework goal for the day, cleaned up around the house, ate plenty of "i'm going to be drinking all night" food, and beautified myself in time for a girl's night on the town, and Justin and I weren't even rushing out the door. I had a fabulous dinner with the girls, DANCED my butt off (sorry broken drink guy!) and made it home with the perfect buzz.
The big personal achievement: Not a single guy asked me to dance. Two tried, but I ducked one and Amanda saved me from another (Thanks, Amanda!), but that was it. And it didn't matter. I didn't need to be heavily buzzed to start dancing, and I didn't need a random man pushed up against me to feel beautiful and enjoy myself. I felt hot, which translated into me feeling confident, and I had a freaking blast just dancing with the girls. I did wonder "Huh..I wonder what's up with the guys tonight?" very briefly, but that's it. Normally, I would have been a mess inside wondering: what's wrong with me tonight? is it the makeup? ugh, my hair is horrible... i haven't gained any weight, or maybe i have...i really thought I brought my A game...Justin said I looked hot, that must have just been the obligatory "my wife just spent two hours on her makeup and hair, compliment her!" compliment...it's these effing legs...I hate my legs...maybe they noticed my ears... And I'm not even joking. Those are PRECISELY the thoughts that have plagued me in the past when the guys aren't lining up. And I was miserable every time. I'm leaving that behind. I had too much fun and felt way too good to do that too myself again. I may find myself heading down that path in the future, but you can be certain my inner voices will go to war because I am not putting up with that crap any more.
Sunday was spent essentialling. Really essentially. I did only things that brought me comfort. Not relief, not numbness, comfort. I slept as long as I could. I made Justin and I breakfast, then I went to town making Bolognese (I am the goddess of bolognese btw) and meatloaf muffins. When I was through there I cleaned a little, but because it felt good to do so, not because I felt like I had too. Then I read. And I read more. And I followed that with some reading. I had vanilla scented candles lit ALL DAY. For dinner, I turned 5 oz of that bolognese into a delicious baked pasta that I've been wanting to try for about a year now (I even bought a special dish at the restaurant supply to bake it in!), and while the noodles were a tad dry, it was tasty. After dinner Justin and I cuddled on the couch for a while and then had ice cream cones (GF cones FTW!) with homemade vanilla ice cream and watched True Blood. After that, I continued on reading, adding a soothing cup of decaf chai, and Justin went to soccer.
Ahh. Bliss.
The weekend was HEAVENLY. I needed it so badly. I've been wound so tightly that it's been hard to function some days. The numbness. Ugh. I almost prefer to be miserable. I wasn't meant to be numb. This weekend, the closed the door on numbness and opened my arms to welcome the comfort, and I'm so glad I did.
One more revelation that I made to myself today: I don't want to be in this class right now. I don't. At all. I've wanted this for YEARS. From my first semester at Sac State I wanted to be a part of this program, and when I got the invitation in July, I almost jumped out of my seat with excitement. Since that first assignment was turned in and therapy has really gotten going, all I want to do is focus on healing. I am working ALL DAY on myself, and some days I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted that I can't even think about anything relatively important. It sounds so self absorbed, and it is, but it needs to be. I'm sticking with the class though. I need this therapy, but I also need this class. It's invitation only, and I'm not even a student. To back out now would be a serious let down to my team and to myself. Quitting is not an option. It's weird because I'm as determined to do well as I am unmotivated to do anything to get me there. It's okay though. I always pull myself out. Always. I think admitting to myself that I don't want to do it actually took some of the pressure off and has made sitting down to get it done a little easier.
Okay, so that's pretty disjointed, but that's my thought process these days. I'm all over the place, but for two days, I was very, very happy. The happiness is lingering in there, but it has faded quite a bit. It'll be back though, and someday perhaps it will be my default. Wouldn't that be something.
On the drive back to Sac from Davis I started thinking about things I found comforting and quickly realized that I had to begin to really distinguish from things that truly bring me comfort and things that bring me relief or just numb me out. Gym=Relief. Surfing the web=Numbing me out. Reading= Comfortably Numbing (a mental break). Cooking = Comforting. The smell of vanilla or lavender = Comforting. Comfort food = Comforting. =) Etc. Just being able to distinguish the difference between what's "essential" and what's a black hole did wonders for me. I added another element and it was a perfect storm of bliss.
I have a very hard time being present. I'm thinking days, weeks, months and, very often, years ahead all of the time. I'm never thinking about right now, and if I am, it's in the context of "how is what I'm doing right now going to affect me next week, or five years from now." I didn't even realize how strongly I gravitate toward this behavior, but it's true, and it can be crippling. I can be in the moment when someone needs me. I can focus on that person, be there for that person and really empathize. Maybe that's why some people think I give such great advice, because I'm not looking at how X-situation is affecting you right now; I'm looking at what your future could be like if X-situation doesn't change (for the better or worse).
Anyway,I tried to focus my day Saturday at one-two hour increments of time, while implementing my "seek out comfort" assignment, and I have to say that I was exceptionally productive and completely relaxed. I got my hair done, went to yoga, went to Whole Foods, completed my homework goal for the day, cleaned up around the house, ate plenty of "i'm going to be drinking all night" food, and beautified myself in time for a girl's night on the town, and Justin and I weren't even rushing out the door. I had a fabulous dinner with the girls, DANCED my butt off (sorry broken drink guy!) and made it home with the perfect buzz.
The big personal achievement: Not a single guy asked me to dance. Two tried, but I ducked one and Amanda saved me from another (Thanks, Amanda!), but that was it. And it didn't matter. I didn't need to be heavily buzzed to start dancing, and I didn't need a random man pushed up against me to feel beautiful and enjoy myself. I felt hot, which translated into me feeling confident, and I had a freaking blast just dancing with the girls. I did wonder "Huh..I wonder what's up with the guys tonight?" very briefly, but that's it. Normally, I would have been a mess inside wondering: what's wrong with me tonight? is it the makeup? ugh, my hair is horrible... i haven't gained any weight, or maybe i have...i really thought I brought my A game...Justin said I looked hot, that must have just been the obligatory "my wife just spent two hours on her makeup and hair, compliment her!" compliment...it's these effing legs...I hate my legs...maybe they noticed my ears... And I'm not even joking. Those are PRECISELY the thoughts that have plagued me in the past when the guys aren't lining up. And I was miserable every time. I'm leaving that behind. I had too much fun and felt way too good to do that too myself again. I may find myself heading down that path in the future, but you can be certain my inner voices will go to war because I am not putting up with that crap any more.
Sunday was spent essentialling. Really essentially. I did only things that brought me comfort. Not relief, not numbness, comfort. I slept as long as I could. I made Justin and I breakfast, then I went to town making Bolognese (I am the goddess of bolognese btw) and meatloaf muffins. When I was through there I cleaned a little, but because it felt good to do so, not because I felt like I had too. Then I read. And I read more. And I followed that with some reading. I had vanilla scented candles lit ALL DAY. For dinner, I turned 5 oz of that bolognese into a delicious baked pasta that I've been wanting to try for about a year now (I even bought a special dish at the restaurant supply to bake it in!), and while the noodles were a tad dry, it was tasty. After dinner Justin and I cuddled on the couch for a while and then had ice cream cones (GF cones FTW!) with homemade vanilla ice cream and watched True Blood. After that, I continued on reading, adding a soothing cup of decaf chai, and Justin went to soccer.
Ahh. Bliss.
The weekend was HEAVENLY. I needed it so badly. I've been wound so tightly that it's been hard to function some days. The numbness. Ugh. I almost prefer to be miserable. I wasn't meant to be numb. This weekend, the closed the door on numbness and opened my arms to welcome the comfort, and I'm so glad I did.
One more revelation that I made to myself today: I don't want to be in this class right now. I don't. At all. I've wanted this for YEARS. From my first semester at Sac State I wanted to be a part of this program, and when I got the invitation in July, I almost jumped out of my seat with excitement. Since that first assignment was turned in and therapy has really gotten going, all I want to do is focus on healing. I am working ALL DAY on myself, and some days I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted that I can't even think about anything relatively important. It sounds so self absorbed, and it is, but it needs to be. I'm sticking with the class though. I need this therapy, but I also need this class. It's invitation only, and I'm not even a student. To back out now would be a serious let down to my team and to myself. Quitting is not an option. It's weird because I'm as determined to do well as I am unmotivated to do anything to get me there. It's okay though. I always pull myself out. Always. I think admitting to myself that I don't want to do it actually took some of the pressure off and has made sitting down to get it done a little easier.
Okay, so that's pretty disjointed, but that's my thought process these days. I'm all over the place, but for two days, I was very, very happy. The happiness is lingering in there, but it has faded quite a bit. It'll be back though, and someday perhaps it will be my default. Wouldn't that be something.