Day by Day by Day by Day
I feel like a slightly different person from one day to the next. I had the notion earlier today that I haven't been such a ripped open mess since my last therapy session on Friday, but I think things are just manifesting themselves differently. I have been falling asleep around 9:30 and 10:00p these last few nights. That is NOT typical for me at all. Normally, I'm lucky if I can doze off by 11:30, so this is very different. Also, I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I have 1000 things to do daily and only time to get to 500 of them. In all fairness to myself, aside from 3 hours on Sunday morning, I can't remember the last time I was able to sit down to homework before 9pm. And with my new aforementioned sleeping habits, I'm sure you can see how this a BIG PROBLEM. I actually dreamed about not getting homework complete last night and the agony it put me through. (And there were snakes. Lots and lots of snakes that came out of the ground. I couldn't escape them. I HATE SNAKES!) And then today, here I am "organizing" my work space and realizing that I'm in total chaos. Files are EVERYWHERE. I think I've got under control and a nice clear workspace emerges, then I look again and MORE FILES in MORE PLACES. I guess that's a pretty good metaphor for my life right now. Organized chaos.
In the midst of my chaos I found myself daydreaming about a French Immersion Program somewhere AWAY from here. Maybe I could spend 6-8 weeks in Montreal or Paris next summer. Maybe I could do it in the spring. How about tomorrow? Maybe I could just get on a plane and leave for six weeks, surround myself with people who have no desire to speak English, and just leave it all be for a while. Which is when I realized that I'm still feeling the effects of therapy. I really, really, REALLLY want to run right now. I feel like I need some solitude. I'm like, the opposite of those lines in the Cheers theme song: sometimes you wanna go where NO ONE knows your name.
I am so very lucky to have Justin. I always appreciate him, but it's extra comforting to have him in my ear saying that this will all be better someday, and it's going to be worth it in the end. It will be worth it if I can help ensure his happiness in the long run as well.
I have a very good idea of what our future could look like if I don't do this, and I want no part of it, which is why I'm so dedicated to healing. The scary part is that I have no idea what it will look like when this is through. I have absolutely no idea who I'll be when I'm done. My therapist really believes that this is going to completely change my life; that my whole path in life will be redefined. This is scary to me. I *thought* I had just figured out who I am and where I want to go. Perhaps I thought wrong. It's not like it would be the first time...
In the midst of my chaos I found myself daydreaming about a French Immersion Program somewhere AWAY from here. Maybe I could spend 6-8 weeks in Montreal or Paris next summer. Maybe I could do it in the spring. How about tomorrow? Maybe I could just get on a plane and leave for six weeks, surround myself with people who have no desire to speak English, and just leave it all be for a while. Which is when I realized that I'm still feeling the effects of therapy. I really, really, REALLLY want to run right now. I feel like I need some solitude. I'm like, the opposite of those lines in the Cheers theme song: sometimes you wanna go where NO ONE knows your name.
I am so very lucky to have Justin. I always appreciate him, but it's extra comforting to have him in my ear saying that this will all be better someday, and it's going to be worth it in the end. It will be worth it if I can help ensure his happiness in the long run as well.
I have a very good idea of what our future could look like if I don't do this, and I want no part of it, which is why I'm so dedicated to healing. The scary part is that I have no idea what it will look like when this is through. I have absolutely no idea who I'll be when I'm done. My therapist really believes that this is going to completely change my life; that my whole path in life will be redefined. This is scary to me. I *thought* I had just figured out who I am and where I want to go. Perhaps I thought wrong. It's not like it would be the first time...