Raw
I've only been to one therapy session with this new person and OMG has it left me raw. My emotions are all over the place and it doesn't take much to trigger me. Last night Justin and I were talking about one of his clients, which led us to talking about random crazy people, which led us to talk about hyperactive kids, which led me to have a random flash of how horrible my brother was treated, and .....there are the tears for the next half hour. And then there is guilt because we couldn't even sit down for an hour to have a conversation without me killing it by bursting into tears and going on about my childhood. But, I'm supposed to be doing this and not feeling sorry about it, so as soon as I apologize, I feel bad for apologizing. Ugh.
Then this morning, Justin warned me again about a hike we're doing Saturday, one that we've done in the past that totally kicked my butt. I've done must more strenuous hikes since then, and for whatever reason, this totally triggered me too. It was like "so no matter how I look, my body still is never going to be right because I'll never be strong enough to make you happy." It didn't take long for us both to bring me back to reality, but holy cow is this extreme.
Just now I opened my mouth over something that maybe I have no business talking about, and then freaked out about whether or not I was being rude or hurtful or sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. The only thing worse than being my mom would be being my grandmother. I don't want to be my grandmother. I don't want to be the person that people see twice a year *maybe* because they can't stand any more than that. I don't want to have a permanent scowl on my face because I've spent so much of my life unhappy that my face really did freeze that way. That was always an easy way for my dad to hurt me. If I said or did anything he didn't like "You're such a bitch. You sound just like my mom." Usually, he didn't even have to say the "bitch" part. A simple "you're just like my mom" or "you know you'll grow up to be just like my mom" was enough. It's never nice to hear that you are just like the person that no one in the family can stand.
Ugh. This is going to be a rough road. I just hope there are still going to be people around when I get to the end of it.
Then this morning, Justin warned me again about a hike we're doing Saturday, one that we've done in the past that totally kicked my butt. I've done must more strenuous hikes since then, and for whatever reason, this totally triggered me too. It was like "so no matter how I look, my body still is never going to be right because I'll never be strong enough to make you happy." It didn't take long for us both to bring me back to reality, but holy cow is this extreme.
Just now I opened my mouth over something that maybe I have no business talking about, and then freaked out about whether or not I was being rude or hurtful or sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. The only thing worse than being my mom would be being my grandmother. I don't want to be my grandmother. I don't want to be the person that people see twice a year *maybe* because they can't stand any more than that. I don't want to have a permanent scowl on my face because I've spent so much of my life unhappy that my face really did freeze that way. That was always an easy way for my dad to hurt me. If I said or did anything he didn't like "You're such a bitch. You sound just like my mom." Usually, he didn't even have to say the "bitch" part. A simple "you're just like my mom" or "you know you'll grow up to be just like my mom" was enough. It's never nice to hear that you are just like the person that no one in the family can stand.
Ugh. This is going to be a rough road. I just hope there are still going to be people around when I get to the end of it.