Musings on Twilight
To those who wish to remind me that I'm a grown man with a full-time job: shut it.
This is just going to assume you've either seen the damn thing or read the book. Either way, you know what a delicious crapfest it is. I'm totally down with vampires having slightly different abilities/weaknesses in different universes, fine, but usually they TRY to have some reason for various effects. Having only seen the movie: Goddamn SPARKLES?! Really? What the hell kinda function does that serve for a predator?
Also pissing me off: Bella. Mistress of the Passive. In the movie, I count 1.5 instances of her being active. First, actually doing research to figure out whats-his-face is a bloodsucker. Brava on that. Second, (for the half), making him take her to tell her dad. THAT'S IT. Gal basically shows up, falls in love with a dude who considers her food (more on that in a bit), and lets him dictate her life/actions after that. This is SHAMEFUL for a movie that's so popular. I don't know if it's shame on the author or shame on the tween market for gobbling it up like, I dunno, whatever they eat nowadays (yes, I'm also 60). It was pointed out by my doxy that Bella letting 'dreamy' vamp boy take over her protection would be like me allowing a lady Green Beret army vet to protect me if someone was gunning after my pert butt. Which, fair enough, let the professionals take charge. That's fine. Personally, though, I'm still gonna ask my killing machine lady-love for at least a frelling handgun. Ms Bella? Doesn't even ask to swing by a grocery store to pick up some garlic. SHAMEFUL.
Speaking of which, the whole centerpiece of the movie. Vampire and Human love. Treated better pretty much anywhere else you want to look, Buffy, Vampire Hunter D, etc. So, boiling it down, Vamp loves Human because A) She smells damn tasty and B) he cannot read her mind. These are the sole qualities she has that makes him love her. Note that there's nothing about humor, intelligence, backbone, or even gorram looks in that list. Speaking of things I think smell tasty and cannot divine the intentions of: STRAWBERRY-RHUBARB PIE. That is MY personal heroin that I cannot get enough of. And you know what? In my 20+ years of experience with that pie, I have managed NOT TO HUMP IT. Not even a single date. I have consumed it while ON a date, but it was not the reason why I shaved earlier that day.
Oh, and the climax of the story. I don't know how many of you are familiar with The Editing Room (http://www.the-editing-room.com/) Dude summarizes movies. I think he puts it best:
PETER FACINELLI
Kristen’s been bitten! She’ll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can’t do it for some reason or another.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?
PETER FACINELLI
Look, all I know is that even though it’s going to be REALLY HARD, you’re just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.
He DOES. It’s very DISSATISFYING.
And that pretty much sums up my feelings on the movie. However, it's freaking fantastic to watch with a buffer of a shot of tequila and a glass of rum-and-coke for MS3TK delights.
Not mentioned in this musing: So, 100 year old vampire dating a 17 year old. Like a 40-year-old dating a 6-year old, right? Also: What the hell are these idiot kids wearing nowadays? Also also: Way to have your characters date only among their own ethnic groups, STEPHENIE MEYER!
To follow this musing: Musings on High School Musical, and possibly Wicked.
This is just going to assume you've either seen the damn thing or read the book. Either way, you know what a delicious crapfest it is. I'm totally down with vampires having slightly different abilities/weaknesses in different universes, fine, but usually they TRY to have some reason for various effects. Having only seen the movie: Goddamn SPARKLES?! Really? What the hell kinda function does that serve for a predator?
Also pissing me off: Bella. Mistress of the Passive. In the movie, I count 1.5 instances of her being active. First, actually doing research to figure out whats-his-face is a bloodsucker. Brava on that. Second, (for the half), making him take her to tell her dad. THAT'S IT. Gal basically shows up, falls in love with a dude who considers her food (more on that in a bit), and lets him dictate her life/actions after that. This is SHAMEFUL for a movie that's so popular. I don't know if it's shame on the author or shame on the tween market for gobbling it up like, I dunno, whatever they eat nowadays (yes, I'm also 60). It was pointed out by my doxy that Bella letting 'dreamy' vamp boy take over her protection would be like me allowing a lady Green Beret army vet to protect me if someone was gunning after my pert butt. Which, fair enough, let the professionals take charge. That's fine. Personally, though, I'm still gonna ask my killing machine lady-love for at least a frelling handgun. Ms Bella? Doesn't even ask to swing by a grocery store to pick up some garlic. SHAMEFUL.
Speaking of which, the whole centerpiece of the movie. Vampire and Human love. Treated better pretty much anywhere else you want to look, Buffy, Vampire Hunter D, etc. So, boiling it down, Vamp loves Human because A) She smells damn tasty and B) he cannot read her mind. These are the sole qualities she has that makes him love her. Note that there's nothing about humor, intelligence, backbone, or even gorram looks in that list. Speaking of things I think smell tasty and cannot divine the intentions of: STRAWBERRY-RHUBARB PIE. That is MY personal heroin that I cannot get enough of. And you know what? In my 20+ years of experience with that pie, I have managed NOT TO HUMP IT. Not even a single date. I have consumed it while ON a date, but it was not the reason why I shaved earlier that day.
Oh, and the climax of the story. I don't know how many of you are familiar with The Editing Room (http://www.the-editing-room.com/) Dude summarizes movies. I think he puts it best:
PETER FACINELLI
Kristen’s been bitten! She’ll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can’t do it for some reason or another.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?
PETER FACINELLI
Look, all I know is that even though it’s going to be REALLY HARD, you’re just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.
He DOES. It’s very DISSATISFYING.
And that pretty much sums up my feelings on the movie. However, it's freaking fantastic to watch with a buffer of a shot of tequila and a glass of rum-and-coke for MS3TK delights.
Not mentioned in this musing: So, 100 year old vampire dating a 17 year old. Like a 40-year-old dating a 6-year old, right? Also: What the hell are these idiot kids wearing nowadays? Also also: Way to have your characters date only among their own ethnic groups, STEPHENIE MEYER!
To follow this musing: Musings on High School Musical, and possibly Wicked.