(no subject)
I have noticed that as I get older I invariably become more of a coward. True, I may have always been this cowardly only with the bravado of youth I failed to notice it. Still I find myself not being able to imagine having the strength to survive in critical situations. I am just not cut out to be the hereo. I hate admitting this. I hate watching movies and reading books and knowing full well that I would be the screaming idiot curled up in a ball in the corner. I work well under pressure but when the pressure gets too intense I freeze. I shut down. I turn off. I can't handle high levels of stress. My bf tells me that if I were faces with a life or death situation that I would probably be so overcome by adrenaline that self-preservation would undoubtedly kick in... but I am not so sure. I'm also not just talking about those rare zombie apocolypse moments either but everyday life.
I also find that I have a lot less confidence in the dating realm. My recent explosion into a new weight class has a lot to do with it and being two years out of practice. I can't find the bravery even to stick up for principles I would have been willing to die for as a younger person. I feel so much more complacent. I don't even have the strength to research my own family history for fear of how vulnerable it would leave me. I always feared I would become this after seeing how age changed my parents. They were so reckless when they were younger only to become so "safe" as adults. Now I find the same thing is happening to me.
Every couple of years I go through a personal crisis of needing to change something big in order to feel my is interesting enough. Sometimes all I need is a new hair style, a new city, a new piercing or tattoo but now I am even too scared to take those risks. This boredom and disappointment with who I am right now puts me between a rock and hard place because I have lost the bravery to take the risks required to change.
Just like every other outcast I have fantasized a time or two about what it would be like to have super human strength, invincibility, super sensory perception, immortality, succubus-like seductiveness and so on. Vampires are one of many forms these desires take. I have always been fascinated by them and others like them. To be so powerful and so desired- who doesn't want that? Of course every fantasy has a reality. I really don't think I could kill and drink the blood of anything so there's a bit of a flaw here. However, it is nice to dream.
Until the Twilight. series came out I had no strong desire to read any Vampire lit outside of amateur erotica on the net. Honestly these books are probably no better than what you can find in the Romance section but they have this addicative appeal. Stephanie Meyer reminds me what it is like to be young and in love- something I have been mourning a lot lately. The movie and the book do a great job of making your heart race and plummet at all the right moments. What love story is complete without some tragedy? As teenagers we created it for ourselves. It's usually known as "drama". We needed a reason for all our high intensity emotions so we made things more tragic than they were. It was painful but it was fun. It was certainly unforgettable. For an adrenaline junkie like me it was enthralling.
Now I am an adult with many relationships and love stories behind me. I no longer expect that unrealistic rush to last and I really enjoy the stability my relaitonships have gained. The wisdom you gain from all that pain certainly is necessary and I would say worth it, if not just to save your sanity. Still I miss it. Don't you?
The rush. The awkwardness. The flirting. The temptation. The butterflies and racing hearts. The ability to be so totally in the moment that you forget everything else. I miss that.
"I'm much too young to feel this damn old..."
"Hold on the 16 as long as you can. Changes come around real soon and make us women and men..."
These lyrics have been playing over and over in my head. Can you tell this semester has sucked the life out of me? I work too much under intense circumstances. I thought I could do it but I can't. It makes me seriously doubt this career choice. Teachers get totally screwed from all sides. Some part of me says it is only that I am young and need to learn more patience. Another part tells me that I never want to have children! Education has been my passion for so long that I never realized I might not be able to handle. I don't have enough energy. At the end of the day I really have nothing left to give. I am physically and emotionally tapped out. But still left intellectually bored.
I spent my teenage years struggling to get here fast. I spent college trying to remember to be a kid. Now that I am "all grown up" I just want to go back to being in college. I didn't have a lot of fun but I have way more than I do now. I don't even have time or energy to paint. I endured similar periods of depression while in school but there was always the knowledge that it would someday be over. That summer vacation would come. That I would graduate. Now I am staring down 50 more years of this crap. It feels like a prison sentence. I keep thinking I have made a huge mistake.
I can't wait for it all to be over... and I'm only 22.