Asexuality - more information than you ever wanted to know about me
Asexuality - more information than you ever wanted to know about me
The heading again, just so you don't miss what you're getting yourself into.
I think our culture has an interesting conundrum: we prefer, or at least better understand, overindulgence rather than underindulgence or, dare I say it, conservatism (not in the political sense).
We are a society of extremes. We have a high alcoholism rate, high drug-addiction, sex-addiction, our porn industry makes over a billion dollars annually, we cut, we commit suicide - or attempt it - at an alarming rate. Homosexuality and bisexuality are growing in 'popularity' (as in all uses of the world - they are more prevalent in media, tolerance is growing, and it's also becoming an almost experiment in the younger generations, it's an alternative to try). Polyamory is a choice of freedom and swingers have their own clubs. Think of most anything and we have an extreme for it in one fashion or another.
But the person who lives conservatively? He's scared or dull, repressed or hiding something.
So what happens in this culture of extremes when I let it be known I'm likely asexual? (Not positive yet, but very likely, considering I've only kissed someone once in my life and for curiosity's sake.) I'm looked at as a freak.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not offended by it at all. Mostly it's that people don't understand it (and try to convince that of course I'm not - like it's something skeevy). Who could possibly not be driven by their every impulse to get sex? The only people who don't get married are those who can't or don't want to be tied down, right? *eye rolls*
It's been a long road to discovery. I've always been kinda weirded out by sex. The idea of it is fine and I don't think it's disgusting for people to do it or anything, but I've always had this indifference and almost aversion to it I could never explain. I use to toy around with the idea that I was repressing memories of being molested as a child, which would explain my feelings, because I had never even heard of asexuality. (Just as an example, obviously I'm fine with the idea of it, considering what I've written, but my old roommate was once very loud and I walked around for days afterward in a daze, to the point where friends and even teachers were getting extremely concerned for me. One friend actually pushed me up against a wall, forcing me to tell him what was the problem was. I'd been telling everyone I was fine, because what could I tell them? I heard my roommate orgasm and it freaked me the hell out for no apparent reason? This is what I told said friend and he was utterly confused and, dare I say it, disappointed by my answer - in that it wasn't a legitimate 'problem'). Sure it could kinda gross you out for a little bit, but what's the problem?
In a world that flaunts its sexuality every which way I found that rather odd, but I eventually heard about it and things started to click. It was an...interesting discovery, haha.
I was at a goth club (oh yes, they are very interesting places for discovery), getting hit on by random dude #1, and after not responding at all this started a discussion amongst my friends. First, of course: could you be gay? Nope, I actually find the female body somewhat disgusting. And yes, believe me, I've had plenty of opportunities to find out. (Used to regularly attract more women than men) When I mention to my best friend I might be asexual she tells me she doesn't believe it, just that I'm extremely picky. (It is true. I once had a guy hitting on me tell me that I needed to lower my standards. I guess low enough to include him? This made me laugh heartily.) The fact that my best friend won't believe me in this kinda makes me laugh - just because that shows how unusual an idea this is.
I guess only time will tell, and the question of whether I ever fall in love or not (which could be very interesting - what if I fall in love but am completely asexual? Or if asexual, are you able to truly love someone romantically or would everyone automatically be relegated to sibling love?)
Part of this, I guess, is also to say that I did my experimenting mentally, not physically. The first half of Shrine Prostitute? Yeah, experiment. Now that I'm done with it - and feeling kinda awkward with what I have out there in cyberspace - it's going to get edited, eventually. (You never know with my eventually; could be a few months, could be five years, haha). But eventually it's getting edited and most of that citrus is going bye-bye if its able to be pulled without destroying the character development. So a warning: if you like it then save it now. Heck, I feel awkward just issuing that warning and knowing that, yes, someone might save it.
I guess that's all for now. Just my random 3am musings. But also be aware, next time you see a single person of any age, maybe it isn't 'oh poor baby', 'how sad, no one wants them', or the 'when are you getting married and having lots of babies? questions', maybe it's just that they don't want anyone.
The heading again, just so you don't miss what you're getting yourself into.
I think our culture has an interesting conundrum: we prefer, or at least better understand, overindulgence rather than underindulgence or, dare I say it, conservatism (not in the political sense).
We are a society of extremes. We have a high alcoholism rate, high drug-addiction, sex-addiction, our porn industry makes over a billion dollars annually, we cut, we commit suicide - or attempt it - at an alarming rate. Homosexuality and bisexuality are growing in 'popularity' (as in all uses of the world - they are more prevalent in media, tolerance is growing, and it's also becoming an almost experiment in the younger generations, it's an alternative to try). Polyamory is a choice of freedom and swingers have their own clubs. Think of most anything and we have an extreme for it in one fashion or another.
But the person who lives conservatively? He's scared or dull, repressed or hiding something.
So what happens in this culture of extremes when I let it be known I'm likely asexual? (Not positive yet, but very likely, considering I've only kissed someone once in my life and for curiosity's sake.) I'm looked at as a freak.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not offended by it at all. Mostly it's that people don't understand it (and try to convince that of course I'm not - like it's something skeevy). Who could possibly not be driven by their every impulse to get sex? The only people who don't get married are those who can't or don't want to be tied down, right? *eye rolls*
It's been a long road to discovery. I've always been kinda weirded out by sex. The idea of it is fine and I don't think it's disgusting for people to do it or anything, but I've always had this indifference and almost aversion to it I could never explain. I use to toy around with the idea that I was repressing memories of being molested as a child, which would explain my feelings, because I had never even heard of asexuality. (Just as an example, obviously I'm fine with the idea of it, considering what I've written, but my old roommate was once very loud and I walked around for days afterward in a daze, to the point where friends and even teachers were getting extremely concerned for me. One friend actually pushed me up against a wall, forcing me to tell him what was the problem was. I'd been telling everyone I was fine, because what could I tell them? I heard my roommate orgasm and it freaked me the hell out for no apparent reason? This is what I told said friend and he was utterly confused and, dare I say it, disappointed by my answer - in that it wasn't a legitimate 'problem'). Sure it could kinda gross you out for a little bit, but what's the problem?
In a world that flaunts its sexuality every which way I found that rather odd, but I eventually heard about it and things started to click. It was an...interesting discovery, haha.
I was at a goth club (oh yes, they are very interesting places for discovery), getting hit on by random dude #1, and after not responding at all this started a discussion amongst my friends. First, of course: could you be gay? Nope, I actually find the female body somewhat disgusting. And yes, believe me, I've had plenty of opportunities to find out. (Used to regularly attract more women than men) When I mention to my best friend I might be asexual she tells me she doesn't believe it, just that I'm extremely picky. (It is true. I once had a guy hitting on me tell me that I needed to lower my standards. I guess low enough to include him? This made me laugh heartily.) The fact that my best friend won't believe me in this kinda makes me laugh - just because that shows how unusual an idea this is.
I guess only time will tell, and the question of whether I ever fall in love or not (which could be very interesting - what if I fall in love but am completely asexual? Or if asexual, are you able to truly love someone romantically or would everyone automatically be relegated to sibling love?)
Part of this, I guess, is also to say that I did my experimenting mentally, not physically. The first half of Shrine Prostitute? Yeah, experiment. Now that I'm done with it - and feeling kinda awkward with what I have out there in cyberspace - it's going to get edited, eventually. (You never know with my eventually; could be a few months, could be five years, haha). But eventually it's getting edited and most of that citrus is going bye-bye if its able to be pulled without destroying the character development. So a warning: if you like it then save it now. Heck, I feel awkward just issuing that warning and knowing that, yes, someone might save it.
I guess that's all for now. Just my random 3am musings. But also be aware, next time you see a single person of any age, maybe it isn't 'oh poor baby', 'how sad, no one wants them', or the 'when are you getting married and having lots of babies? questions', maybe it's just that they don't want anyone.