"And I'm Not Going To Stand And Wait..."
[What I Feel| 
cheerful ]
[What I Hear| Coldplay "A Message" ]
[What I Smell| BPAL The Living Flame ]
I had a dream this morning that was so very real.
I was hosting a party for New Year's, full of people dressed to the nines in their very best Victorian weeds. Dark-rimmed eyes sparkled above deeply-dyed bloody lips; toasts were given and returned with great goblets of red wine and a general sense of bonhomie ruled. How I became the grand diva hostess I am not certain--I was pregnant, disguised by my empire red velvet gown.
Who was I? That was not I; my hair was never black, nor was it ever of a length that it might be pinned and tumbled so gracefully upon my head. My eyes were blue rather than the green they truly are. The place was palatial, and despite being a party for a lot of my gothic friends, we were obviously all well-heeled. We had money. We were not wanting for anything.
There was another dream; I have forgotten it. But I think I became Nesta in that dream last night.
Other dreams have tooled along in the past few nights, where I finally find I can sleep once more. My two weeks of enforced, fever-ridden sleep deprivation are gone, replaced by a vivid world where anything is possible and a few impossibles show up just to give me pause. Kieran comes to life through the portal of Lakeland and Rhyo comes home to stay. More strange is the easy familiarity in which a past lover comes repeatedly back into my dreamlife, thoughtful and loving beyond the great divide in our lives.
Fever dreams: The landscape of the desperate mind to find any comfort in the storm of illness raging as violently as a monsoon throughout the body.
So today I made a point to take care of myself. My face is made up, my nails are done. My body is bathed in unguents and woven with fragrance. I am the Bride in preparation for the coming Groom, knowing He is coming, but not knowing precisely when or how. The restless anticipation deep inside my belly moves and kicks just as that phantom pregnancy in that dream...something will be birthed, although I have no clue what it will be. After midnight I stepped outside with bare feet and felt the wind ruffling my feathers and whispering of ice and power through the unseasonably warm air.
Gryphon wind. Naamah nailed it. Now, will I sail out upon it, or will it bring in something new?
It's funny; there were all these parties I could have gone to had I chosen. Even when well, I avoid New Years parties for the fact that any party that tends to climax at midnight seems very anticlimactic to me. By one o'clock people begin to leave and--at least when one is nocturnal--the party is over and yet the rest of the night is there, waiting to be filled. I think that's why I always appreciated the fact that a good show in a club in Chicago doesn't even begin to hit its stride until well after midnight, or how most of the great parties I have attended had us watching the strange blue light of predawn colouring everything before the first warm streaks of the sun's fingers creeping over the horizon.
Instead of wine, I chose blackberries and vanilla ice cream. Infinitely better, I think. The blackberries match my lipstick and the ice cream...well, I'm not quite that pale, but I always welcome ice cream.
I have some things to say to certain people, but I won't say them here. I think the last time I said something "to" someone without specifying to whom it belonged was what stirred the last invasion of stupidity. Evidently there are unfriendly readers to this LJ who presume "everything is about them" and they presumed incorrectly. So a message intended to a friend for whom I have fond feelings was misinterpreted by someone I could care less about as an "invitation" that it was not. As if.
But, because most people will be looking backward and forward right now, I'll offer this: In the past year, I learned many things.
* Including that the ex- isn't half as smart as I gave him credit for being. Such a pity.
* That when false friends show their true faces, true friends step up.
* When life begins to seem pointless, the right person shows up.
* Generosity is never wrong. Not ever. But selfishness will attempt to ruin every good thing for good people.
* Happiness has to be worked at to hold onto during these dark days, but it can be done.
I'm sure there's more, but that's all that comes to mind right now. I spent some time watching fireballs spinning in Stonehaven and wishing I could see the fireworks over Edinburgh--which, as it happens, NO ONE got to see because of the weather this year.
One day, I'm going to be there. The flames in the skies over Castle Edinburgh will fill my eyes and will be all that I can see for long moments at a time.
Alba gu brath!
Nechtan :)
cheerful ]
[What I Hear| Coldplay "A Message" ]
[What I Smell| BPAL The Living Flame ]
I had a dream this morning that was so very real.
I was hosting a party for New Year's, full of people dressed to the nines in their very best Victorian weeds. Dark-rimmed eyes sparkled above deeply-dyed bloody lips; toasts were given and returned with great goblets of red wine and a general sense of bonhomie ruled. How I became the grand diva hostess I am not certain--I was pregnant, disguised by my empire red velvet gown.
Who was I? That was not I; my hair was never black, nor was it ever of a length that it might be pinned and tumbled so gracefully upon my head. My eyes were blue rather than the green they truly are. The place was palatial, and despite being a party for a lot of my gothic friends, we were obviously all well-heeled. We had money. We were not wanting for anything.
There was another dream; I have forgotten it. But I think I became Nesta in that dream last night.
Other dreams have tooled along in the past few nights, where I finally find I can sleep once more. My two weeks of enforced, fever-ridden sleep deprivation are gone, replaced by a vivid world where anything is possible and a few impossibles show up just to give me pause. Kieran comes to life through the portal of Lakeland and Rhyo comes home to stay. More strange is the easy familiarity in which a past lover comes repeatedly back into my dreamlife, thoughtful and loving beyond the great divide in our lives.
Fever dreams: The landscape of the desperate mind to find any comfort in the storm of illness raging as violently as a monsoon throughout the body.
So today I made a point to take care of myself. My face is made up, my nails are done. My body is bathed in unguents and woven with fragrance. I am the Bride in preparation for the coming Groom, knowing He is coming, but not knowing precisely when or how. The restless anticipation deep inside my belly moves and kicks just as that phantom pregnancy in that dream...something will be birthed, although I have no clue what it will be. After midnight I stepped outside with bare feet and felt the wind ruffling my feathers and whispering of ice and power through the unseasonably warm air.
Gryphon wind. Naamah nailed it. Now, will I sail out upon it, or will it bring in something new?
It's funny; there were all these parties I could have gone to had I chosen. Even when well, I avoid New Years parties for the fact that any party that tends to climax at midnight seems very anticlimactic to me. By one o'clock people begin to leave and--at least when one is nocturnal--the party is over and yet the rest of the night is there, waiting to be filled. I think that's why I always appreciated the fact that a good show in a club in Chicago doesn't even begin to hit its stride until well after midnight, or how most of the great parties I have attended had us watching the strange blue light of predawn colouring everything before the first warm streaks of the sun's fingers creeping over the horizon.
Instead of wine, I chose blackberries and vanilla ice cream. Infinitely better, I think. The blackberries match my lipstick and the ice cream...well, I'm not quite that pale, but I always welcome ice cream.
I have some things to say to certain people, but I won't say them here. I think the last time I said something "to" someone without specifying to whom it belonged was what stirred the last invasion of stupidity. Evidently there are unfriendly readers to this LJ who presume "everything is about them" and they presumed incorrectly. So a message intended to a friend for whom I have fond feelings was misinterpreted by someone I could care less about as an "invitation" that it was not. As if.
But, because most people will be looking backward and forward right now, I'll offer this: In the past year, I learned many things.
* Including that the ex- isn't half as smart as I gave him credit for being. Such a pity.
* That when false friends show their true faces, true friends step up.
* When life begins to seem pointless, the right person shows up.
* Generosity is never wrong. Not ever. But selfishness will attempt to ruin every good thing for good people.
* Happiness has to be worked at to hold onto during these dark days, but it can be done.
I'm sure there's more, but that's all that comes to mind right now. I spent some time watching fireballs spinning in Stonehaven and wishing I could see the fireworks over Edinburgh--which, as it happens, NO ONE got to see because of the weather this year.
One day, I'm going to be there. The flames in the skies over Castle Edinburgh will fill my eyes and will be all that I can see for long moments at a time.
Alba gu brath!
Nechtan :)