12-29-19 Day 363 Hour of Saturn 1105-1140 -4
Today I did the usual warm up and then started working on the reviews again. I still don't feel that magical about these but I am glad I'm getting them done.
Okay I started my life journal in 2005 I'm now at 2007 March before really anything was posted. Right around the time of the mystic Fair my senior year at Western. I had a small scare where my blazer slipped down a mountain but thankfully we caught it in time before it rolled too far. I have a tendency to make things sound worse than they were That's still there. Also I noticed after the fair opposed about how much I procrastinate. I really wish there was some trick around that but I still seem to be struggling with it here 12 years later. Though now it's not so much my erection I'm dealing with as it is just depression and like I want to find something fun but when I find that fun thing I won't want to do the work that I've got to do cuz it ain't fun. Also I've noticed it was really easy to focus on other people. that even back then I was trying to find a community and group of people here. And honestly not finding many people here I like. I was deeply into the families I was part of then though I liked them a lot but what does it mean that 10 years later none of them are in my life. none of the people I had talked to every day in my posts were in my life when I told them plenty about myself I made a point to keep up on all their stuff it seemed like I gave a lot and got nothing back or at least nothing that lasted. because I know some of them gave me stuff I know some of them helped me out here and there so I can't say that they weren't worth something it was great I just don't know what made it follow but I have a feeling that's going to be later on in the journals. This is kind of like I'm looking at the stuff and reading all the posts when I had NRE and I haven't gotten to the breakup text yet. How are you supposed to become content when you keep wanting to find a community or an external validation of who you are and what you are but the one around you just kind of sucks and you really don't have to try and make one your own. I'm tired of going elsewhere in the hopes I'll find my community and then happy to come back to world that doesn't have it and even what sucks worse is when you go all that way and you don't find a community out there and you just wasted all that time and energy to go get it. That's basically what happened with Starwood this year and xday. I went all that way to find people that I thought I would gel with did not at all deal with anybody there well that's not true but nothing really worth the trip I'll put it that way. The people were nice the events on Starwood were mostly good the good ones were really good the bad ones were kind of meh. I just want something that lingered with me more afterwards than just kind of feeling like. I think is that I was hoping something would change by me going on this trip and the thing is I'm still the same person I was. That's probably the most only thing with doing these reviews as I'm finding out how much I've just been in the same spots spending my wheels it seems like. maybe I do need to summon somebody else to help me with this stuff because I can see this becoming very depressing I need somebody to give me perspective and help me to see that I haven't just been sitting in the same spot spending my wheels. I'll update this as it goes and keep posting this until I catch up with myself.
Okay I started my life journal in 2005 I'm now at 2007 March before really anything was posted. Right around the time of the mystic Fair my senior year at Western. I had a small scare where my blazer slipped down a mountain but thankfully we caught it in time before it rolled too far. I have a tendency to make things sound worse than they were That's still there. Also I noticed after the fair opposed about how much I procrastinate. I really wish there was some trick around that but I still seem to be struggling with it here 12 years later. Though now it's not so much my erection I'm dealing with as it is just depression and like I want to find something fun but when I find that fun thing I won't want to do the work that I've got to do cuz it ain't fun. Also I've noticed it was really easy to focus on other people. that even back then I was trying to find a community and group of people here. And honestly not finding many people here I like. I was deeply into the families I was part of then though I liked them a lot but what does it mean that 10 years later none of them are in my life. none of the people I had talked to every day in my posts were in my life when I told them plenty about myself I made a point to keep up on all their stuff it seemed like I gave a lot and got nothing back or at least nothing that lasted. because I know some of them gave me stuff I know some of them helped me out here and there so I can't say that they weren't worth something it was great I just don't know what made it follow but I have a feeling that's going to be later on in the journals. This is kind of like I'm looking at the stuff and reading all the posts when I had NRE and I haven't gotten to the breakup text yet. How are you supposed to become content when you keep wanting to find a community or an external validation of who you are and what you are but the one around you just kind of sucks and you really don't have to try and make one your own. I'm tired of going elsewhere in the hopes I'll find my community and then happy to come back to world that doesn't have it and even what sucks worse is when you go all that way and you don't find a community out there and you just wasted all that time and energy to go get it. That's basically what happened with Starwood this year and xday. I went all that way to find people that I thought I would gel with did not at all deal with anybody there well that's not true but nothing really worth the trip I'll put it that way. The people were nice the events on Starwood were mostly good the good ones were really good the bad ones were kind of meh. I just want something that lingered with me more afterwards than just kind of feeling like. I think is that I was hoping something would change by me going on this trip and the thing is I'm still the same person I was. That's probably the most only thing with doing these reviews as I'm finding out how much I've just been in the same spots spending my wheels it seems like. maybe I do need to summon somebody else to help me with this stuff because I can see this becoming very depressing I need somebody to give me perspective and help me to see that I haven't just been sitting in the same spot spending my wheels. I'll update this as it goes and keep posting this until I catch up with myself.