Feelings, Emotions, Etcetera (Edited and Expanded)
[Letter from the Editor: was very drunk and tired and depressed and a little stoned while writing and revising all of this. i hope all of this makes sense... long short story (if you don't want to read it all) i'm depressed and lonely and there is only one woman i wish to be with and i can not and will not... which sucks a big bag of dicks
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it was hard to read this, mainly because it's still really hard for me to think of my sister as being sexual, even though I know that she is, and I'm sad you feel that your 4.5 months with her somehow means more than the 8-10 years you and I have been friends. That being said, I've seen you here before. DO you remember how long you talked about Julia for? Lee-Ann? I saw you nearly kill yourself after the LeeAnn and george shit happened. You seem to have these short intense and generally unrequited relationships that last for under 6 months that you then spend years mourning. I think that when you meet a girl you feel a serious connection with, you get all freaked out and high on infatuation and "love" that you feel and then get scared and excited about the commitment that ensues.
I think you need to love yourself before you can truly love anyone else in the long term, otherwise the relationship is all give OR take, not both. It destabilizes the relationship if one person is constantly doubting themselves. i think dating and being physical so soon after my sisters relationship with jack had dissolved, and while there were other scary family issues going on affected things in a profound and negative way. Contrary to most people (and being closer to both of you than most), i thought you and she were generally a good fit, but not yet. She might be mature, but is still young, with a lot of knowledge and growing to learn and do (and psyched about doing it, which is always positive). For what it's worth, you still have a lot of growing to do too - you need to live on your own terms, in your own domicile, doing what you want in life, whether that is writing or college or whatever. Living away from parents is an experience you haven't had yet, and it's one you need to have.
I don't think you messed things up forever, the two of you still have a lot in common, ending physical ties is one element of that, and i can attest to things being awkward for quite a while afterward. Matt and I needed a year-ish before we could be friends again, we talk several times a week now, and always hang out when I am in town without fail.
I know you wish you could erase her and change the past (especially since she's probably the coolest girl you've dated, ever), but what you need to do is let this breakup of sorts help you redefine yourself. be the best possible person you can be, you're already working towards the goal of independence, maybe work on other skills when you're paying off debts - cooking, getting into better physical shape via that gym the complex has, reading or writing more - even selling off the useless stuff for cash to help save up money. You might not want to do any of that now, but give yourself a little time, and then invest in yourself. Once you come into your true person fully, and it might take a few years, everything else will come into place. Don't do things because of how you want the future to be, don't work towards that goal, work towards the goal of being the best possible person you can be.
That was long. if you need to talk, you know my phone number, and you know that just cause this is awkward for me to deal with doesn't mean I don't still care about you and want to help you get through it all. You're resilient, just takes time.
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