Feelings, Emotions, Etcetera (Edited and Expanded)
[Letter from the Editor: was very drunk and tired and depressed and a little stoned while writing and revising all of this. i hope all of this makes sense... long short story (if you don't want to read it all) i'm depressed and lonely and there is only one woman i wish to be with and i can not and will not... which sucks a big bag of dicks....]
i am having great trouble on where i really want to begin with all of this. it's one of those occasions of all feelings at all times. and when i say all times i don't mean "every moment i feel like this" while that is true, it's almost more of "past,present,future" type deal. while i can fully accept that myself and no one else can truly see the future, you can still feel and hope for something bright.
i suppose like any good story, one should start at the very very beginning. now that doesn't mean the beginning of me, but the first time i met her. and yes it will only be the improper, because i hate to use proper names in my tirades, learned my lesson with AMC. i first met her when i was 16 or 17, so at the time that would have put her at 9 or 10. now at that time of course time there are no attraction (i might be a weirdo, freak, sicko, pervert, but i am not a child molester), but instead a feeling of "wow, she's going to be cool as hell when she gets older". now let us skip forward in time 5 or 6 years (there had been intermittent encounters over the years but nothing of consequence), and it's a pot smokers holiday and we're driving out to new york to spend some time with her sister and picking up another friend at the half way, so that's half the trip just her and i, talking, getting to know each other, smoking, shooting the shit, all that jazz... it was just after this time that i ended up asking her sister if she would have a problem if we ever had sex. her response was "as long as she's 18 and she's willing, then no"(remember that one kids, it'll be important later on).
between then and just over 4 months ago, encounters had been varied, mostly just coinciding with when her sister being home... but more and more when i saw her i was would get a strange feeling of comfort and intrigue, i really wanted to know more about her and spend more time with her. but then i was stupid and i started saying hi to her, having conversations with her, and then i had the bright idea that we should go see the new kevin smith movie (keep in mind now, i'm then 24, she's 17, and i'm trying to get her to go see a movie with "porno" in the title). but we ended up hanging out for the first time before the movie came out so instead we went and got dinner and just talked and talked and came back to my place and talked some more while i started playing some music and it was a great time, no kiss, nothing like that at all, very innocent. then the next day we chatted online and she told me about how all of her friends cancelled on her to go to the flea market so we decided to hang out even though i was supposed to work at chang's that sunday afternoon, so i called in a faked sick and got out of work and ended up spending the whole day with her at the flea market and then back at my place again listening to music and at the end of that day it ended up being one of the best of my life. that was not only the day we first kissed but it was also then just a hop, skip, and jump to having sex (no really, that day or night as you see it). now in many ways this was already the beginning of the end. since i had promised her sister that i would wait until she was 18, and at the time she was a few months shy of that, i thought it would be a good idea if we kept things on the secret side because i didn't want her sister getting upset at either of us. looking back that was a really stupid idea and never should have kept something like that from one of my best friends. that now makes me ask many questions (was i just an easy rebound? was she really so desperate to fain interest in someone that she allowed it to be me? why the hell did i have to initiate contact then???). {on a totally random note, i am listening to morcheeba right now and it is great stuff, but it is depressing me so much right, but then again, so is the majority of music}
now i can't really complain about the last 4 months. that's a lie, i can't complain about the first 2.5-ish months of it. after that my trademarked paranoia and over-contemplation set in and i started thinking about every single moment. every movement, every word, and (most importantly to an empathic soul) every feeling that was going on around us. it really sucks when you can get those feelings over something like AIM (and that's not just her, there was a while before it was "over" that we would be chatting online and i would just be distant and seemingly monotone [but that was when i was starting to get depressed feeling what i knew was soon to end] but now we still chat somewhat but it always seems to end abruptly). but that first while was amazing. we hung out and drank a bit. i couldn't smoke pot at the time due to being on probation. but we seemed to still have a good time much of time. we had several similar favorite music and movies and i introduced her to a shit ton of my favorite music and movies (and i mean a whole lot). we always seemed to have a good time and i loved being with her and hanging out with her too. that's something that really sucks right now, i can't think about anything without thinking about her. every single little thing makes me think of her. from the music i listen to, to the movies i watch, hell even my deoderant makes me think of her (weird, right?). though it was a bad situation from the start, since i was technically still with my prior girlfriend (while i love her, i wasn't in love with her [though i was at a time] but i still cared a whole lot about her), but this girl helped me so i could free myself from that relationship (she also helped me to be able to write again [god love multiple, conflicting, extreme, and massive emotions and it's correllation to creativity and expression] so i have to thank her for that too). we really had a lot of great times together. now i should also mention that i fairly quickly told her that i loved her and i had a feeling that one day we might be married (it has been a feeling that i have had since shortly before that new york trip with her). i know now (we'll, now almost 2 months ago) that it was the wrong time to say that, it didn't matter if it might be in the future (and i still really really hope that it is, but i am terribly saddened to think that it is likely highly unlikely [you see that's how you change the future, just recognize what might be long before it is, and that will usually fuck it up]). but still i know i never should have, but i was caught up in that great feeling of connection and feeling one's destiny (again i say, i really hope that her and i end up as more than just friends but i will be happy with being friends at the least).
and then the time that followed was amazing. it was lots of spending time together and doing stuff but still not getting to all the stuff so making lists in my mind of all of the stuff we could do and hopefully would. but then i felt like the dynamic changed. it wasn't really anything manifest (well, that i had known yet) but there was something that was there that was no longer "right". maybe it was because she slept with someone else (and likely realized that the rest of the world is a hell of a lot better than me) or maybe it was because one drunk and stoned night i tried to sleep with someone else, and couldn't because li'l bastard was being a little bastard, and i likely couldn't get it up because i was so drunk and stoned, but my mind justified it as "you couldn't get hard because you don't want to fuck anyone but _______ (the woman this is all about)". but my mind has really made it into that she thought that i was cool but physically sickening (with the balding, and the hairiness, and the man boobs, and the ponch).
she really never should have been and likely never should be with someone like me. i know that i seem like i'm down on myself a whole lot, but really i have every reason to be. i am a fucking loser. look at damn about everyone in my graduating class (from my graduating high school) and they are doing something with their lives. they are making something of themselves, and often it seems doing great thing for the greater good too. and what am i doing. i'm working at a job that i hate and another that i only kind of like. i have majorly conflicting views of my physical self too. i never graduated college or even ever really went to a real college. i may have a slight way with words, but nothing above and beyond. i am below mundane, i might have intellect, but i'm not at all exciting or interesting. i know there are many out there who do love me, but i guess i'm just too weird to be mass produced and too strange to go extinct (sorry to semi-paraphrase both thompson and vonnegut).
i have just needed to really try and write out something... i mean i have written a bit of personal stuff, but nothing more than 100 to 200 words. it's good to get something out.... i still hate myself and i still love her. i think i would be happy right now if we could have at least played out the summer, not even as a couple. just as close friends. but i doubt that we'll get together or hang out at all this summer, which thinking about makes me cry a bit. there were so many things that i had hoped that we could do before you went to college, but i know that we won't now. dammit this sucks. i still wish that the technology from eternal sunshine existed so that i could erase our time together from my mind and at least that way i wouldn't be hurting so much all the time. but still at the same time i cherish every memory and thought i have of her. i still think about her every single day, but now it's not a smile but it's a sad smile that it puts on my face. i miss her so very much. as much as i miss being friends with her father and as much as i love her sister, i love and miss her more...
the craziest part of all of this more for me is part of me always knew that this would play out like it has. like i had really hoped that her and i could have done indoor minigolf, outdoor minigolf, go-carting (too bad that awesome place in foxboro closed), billiards (or modern pool more likely), having a great fun night at the drive-in movies... and that is just a prelude to what might have been in our near future/this summer, and even dimmer compared to what our distant future might have held. but i can feel how turned the feelings have become. i always feel so awkward with her now (the one time i have seen her since all of this). it's like i have either have to push to get a conversation or if we tread where you don't want to go (or seemingly you get bored), you end the conversation and disappear...
i fell in love with her. hard. and i know, i know, she just wants me to only think of her "as a great fuck" and she wants "me to hate her, call her an asshole, blame it all on her", but i really fell in love with her. i know that she can thinks little of herself (or maybe that's just what she projected to me). but i fully accept that she fell out of love with me for love with someone (with whom much like her i shouldn't have fallen for) she had fallen for. and i guess that that's cool, i mean it fucking sucks on my end, but what the hell, you can't help what you feel and think. and if she digs someone else (even if he has a girlfriend...{thoughts}...) then who am i to blame her. although i am very likely totally mistaken about everything. i can all too often overthink something and then it will just spiral out of control in my mind, ticking away at a steady rate but always growing.
i really hate that i felt that we should keep it all from her parents and her sister, a totally dumb move on my part, i wish i could change that, but i thought that everyone would be pissed off or just upset and disappointed if her and i were involved. but it almost sort of seems like everyone was more upset about the secrets and lying (and that i am so much older than her). i hate that it has affected my friendship with her father and i'm sure that her sister (my best friend) sees me differently now too... god-fucking-dammit....
i guess in the end i just really hate that every moment of every day, i spend it thinking of her. i see her in my third eye every waking minute and she is always there in my dreams as i sleep... again, i wish i could just delete her from my mind. at this time it feels like it would make things so much easier. but in the end, without those memories, i guess there wouldn't be much hope for a bright future. oh how i hope, dream, and pray for that future (though i have a feeling that it will never be). i know that i to her will just be the guy that showed her not all guys are total dicks and also partially opened a microcosm of music and a cosmos of film to her. there is nothing in the world i desire than to be with her, but i fully accept that that will likely not be....
i will love the hell out of you and i believe that i always will. i will never forget you and i know we will always have relative distance, but will most likely never again be as close as we once were... i guess in a weird way, this might be my goodbye to you, just trying to get all of this inside of me out since it can be really hard to talk to someone, but easy as hell to just write all of my thoughts out. and i don't want you to think it was all a mistake too, because it wasn't. i'm so happy that it happened, i just wished we could have had more time together.
goodbye my love.... and while i'm at it, (not to sound melodramatic) goodbye to a happy future (that doesn't mean i won't be successful, i just don't think it will be truly happy)... i guess just a general goodbye (again) for now..... and i leave you with a question, can one ever truly cease to be?
[NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Now that I am fully sober, I have properly edited the blog and also have expanded and added in places too.]
i am having great trouble on where i really want to begin with all of this. it's one of those occasions of all feelings at all times. and when i say all times i don't mean "every moment i feel like this" while that is true, it's almost more of "past,present,future" type deal. while i can fully accept that myself and no one else can truly see the future, you can still feel and hope for something bright.
i suppose like any good story, one should start at the very very beginning. now that doesn't mean the beginning of me, but the first time i met her. and yes it will only be the improper, because i hate to use proper names in my tirades, learned my lesson with AMC. i first met her when i was 16 or 17, so at the time that would have put her at 9 or 10. now at that time of course time there are no attraction (i might be a weirdo, freak, sicko, pervert, but i am not a child molester), but instead a feeling of "wow, she's going to be cool as hell when she gets older". now let us skip forward in time 5 or 6 years (there had been intermittent encounters over the years but nothing of consequence), and it's a pot smokers holiday and we're driving out to new york to spend some time with her sister and picking up another friend at the half way, so that's half the trip just her and i, talking, getting to know each other, smoking, shooting the shit, all that jazz... it was just after this time that i ended up asking her sister if she would have a problem if we ever had sex. her response was "as long as she's 18 and she's willing, then no"(remember that one kids, it'll be important later on).
between then and just over 4 months ago, encounters had been varied, mostly just coinciding with when her sister being home... but more and more when i saw her i was would get a strange feeling of comfort and intrigue, i really wanted to know more about her and spend more time with her. but then i was stupid and i started saying hi to her, having conversations with her, and then i had the bright idea that we should go see the new kevin smith movie (keep in mind now, i'm then 24, she's 17, and i'm trying to get her to go see a movie with "porno" in the title). but we ended up hanging out for the first time before the movie came out so instead we went and got dinner and just talked and talked and came back to my place and talked some more while i started playing some music and it was a great time, no kiss, nothing like that at all, very innocent. then the next day we chatted online and she told me about how all of her friends cancelled on her to go to the flea market so we decided to hang out even though i was supposed to work at chang's that sunday afternoon, so i called in a faked sick and got out of work and ended up spending the whole day with her at the flea market and then back at my place again listening to music and at the end of that day it ended up being one of the best of my life. that was not only the day we first kissed but it was also then just a hop, skip, and jump to having sex (no really, that day or night as you see it). now in many ways this was already the beginning of the end. since i had promised her sister that i would wait until she was 18, and at the time she was a few months shy of that, i thought it would be a good idea if we kept things on the secret side because i didn't want her sister getting upset at either of us. looking back that was a really stupid idea and never should have kept something like that from one of my best friends. that now makes me ask many questions (was i just an easy rebound? was she really so desperate to fain interest in someone that she allowed it to be me? why the hell did i have to initiate contact then???). {on a totally random note, i am listening to morcheeba right now and it is great stuff, but it is depressing me so much right, but then again, so is the majority of music}
now i can't really complain about the last 4 months. that's a lie, i can't complain about the first 2.5-ish months of it. after that my trademarked paranoia and over-contemplation set in and i started thinking about every single moment. every movement, every word, and (most importantly to an empathic soul) every feeling that was going on around us. it really sucks when you can get those feelings over something like AIM (and that's not just her, there was a while before it was "over" that we would be chatting online and i would just be distant and seemingly monotone [but that was when i was starting to get depressed feeling what i knew was soon to end] but now we still chat somewhat but it always seems to end abruptly). but that first while was amazing. we hung out and drank a bit. i couldn't smoke pot at the time due to being on probation. but we seemed to still have a good time much of time. we had several similar favorite music and movies and i introduced her to a shit ton of my favorite music and movies (and i mean a whole lot). we always seemed to have a good time and i loved being with her and hanging out with her too. that's something that really sucks right now, i can't think about anything without thinking about her. every single little thing makes me think of her. from the music i listen to, to the movies i watch, hell even my deoderant makes me think of her (weird, right?). though it was a bad situation from the start, since i was technically still with my prior girlfriend (while i love her, i wasn't in love with her [though i was at a time] but i still cared a whole lot about her), but this girl helped me so i could free myself from that relationship (she also helped me to be able to write again [god love multiple, conflicting, extreme, and massive emotions and it's correllation to creativity and expression] so i have to thank her for that too). we really had a lot of great times together. now i should also mention that i fairly quickly told her that i loved her and i had a feeling that one day we might be married (it has been a feeling that i have had since shortly before that new york trip with her). i know now (we'll, now almost 2 months ago) that it was the wrong time to say that, it didn't matter if it might be in the future (and i still really really hope that it is, but i am terribly saddened to think that it is likely highly unlikely [you see that's how you change the future, just recognize what might be long before it is, and that will usually fuck it up]). but still i know i never should have, but i was caught up in that great feeling of connection and feeling one's destiny (again i say, i really hope that her and i end up as more than just friends but i will be happy with being friends at the least).
and then the time that followed was amazing. it was lots of spending time together and doing stuff but still not getting to all the stuff so making lists in my mind of all of the stuff we could do and hopefully would. but then i felt like the dynamic changed. it wasn't really anything manifest (well, that i had known yet) but there was something that was there that was no longer "right". maybe it was because she slept with someone else (and likely realized that the rest of the world is a hell of a lot better than me) or maybe it was because one drunk and stoned night i tried to sleep with someone else, and couldn't because li'l bastard was being a little bastard, and i likely couldn't get it up because i was so drunk and stoned, but my mind justified it as "you couldn't get hard because you don't want to fuck anyone but _______ (the woman this is all about)". but my mind has really made it into that she thought that i was cool but physically sickening (with the balding, and the hairiness, and the man boobs, and the ponch).
she really never should have been and likely never should be with someone like me. i know that i seem like i'm down on myself a whole lot, but really i have every reason to be. i am a fucking loser. look at damn about everyone in my graduating class (from my graduating high school) and they are doing something with their lives. they are making something of themselves, and often it seems doing great thing for the greater good too. and what am i doing. i'm working at a job that i hate and another that i only kind of like. i have majorly conflicting views of my physical self too. i never graduated college or even ever really went to a real college. i may have a slight way with words, but nothing above and beyond. i am below mundane, i might have intellect, but i'm not at all exciting or interesting. i know there are many out there who do love me, but i guess i'm just too weird to be mass produced and too strange to go extinct (sorry to semi-paraphrase both thompson and vonnegut).
i have just needed to really try and write out something... i mean i have written a bit of personal stuff, but nothing more than 100 to 200 words. it's good to get something out.... i still hate myself and i still love her. i think i would be happy right now if we could have at least played out the summer, not even as a couple. just as close friends. but i doubt that we'll get together or hang out at all this summer, which thinking about makes me cry a bit. there were so many things that i had hoped that we could do before you went to college, but i know that we won't now. dammit this sucks. i still wish that the technology from eternal sunshine existed so that i could erase our time together from my mind and at least that way i wouldn't be hurting so much all the time. but still at the same time i cherish every memory and thought i have of her. i still think about her every single day, but now it's not a smile but it's a sad smile that it puts on my face. i miss her so very much. as much as i miss being friends with her father and as much as i love her sister, i love and miss her more...
the craziest part of all of this more for me is part of me always knew that this would play out like it has. like i had really hoped that her and i could have done indoor minigolf, outdoor minigolf, go-carting (too bad that awesome place in foxboro closed), billiards (or modern pool more likely), having a great fun night at the drive-in movies... and that is just a prelude to what might have been in our near future/this summer, and even dimmer compared to what our distant future might have held. but i can feel how turned the feelings have become. i always feel so awkward with her now (the one time i have seen her since all of this). it's like i have either have to push to get a conversation or if we tread where you don't want to go (or seemingly you get bored), you end the conversation and disappear...
i fell in love with her. hard. and i know, i know, she just wants me to only think of her "as a great fuck" and she wants "me to hate her, call her an asshole, blame it all on her", but i really fell in love with her. i know that she can thinks little of herself (or maybe that's just what she projected to me). but i fully accept that she fell out of love with me for love with someone (with whom much like her i shouldn't have fallen for) she had fallen for. and i guess that that's cool, i mean it fucking sucks on my end, but what the hell, you can't help what you feel and think. and if she digs someone else (even if he has a girlfriend...{thoughts}...) then who am i to blame her. although i am very likely totally mistaken about everything. i can all too often overthink something and then it will just spiral out of control in my mind, ticking away at a steady rate but always growing.
i really hate that i felt that we should keep it all from her parents and her sister, a totally dumb move on my part, i wish i could change that, but i thought that everyone would be pissed off or just upset and disappointed if her and i were involved. but it almost sort of seems like everyone was more upset about the secrets and lying (and that i am so much older than her). i hate that it has affected my friendship with her father and i'm sure that her sister (my best friend) sees me differently now too... god-fucking-dammit....
i guess in the end i just really hate that every moment of every day, i spend it thinking of her. i see her in my third eye every waking minute and she is always there in my dreams as i sleep... again, i wish i could just delete her from my mind. at this time it feels like it would make things so much easier. but in the end, without those memories, i guess there wouldn't be much hope for a bright future. oh how i hope, dream, and pray for that future (though i have a feeling that it will never be). i know that i to her will just be the guy that showed her not all guys are total dicks and also partially opened a microcosm of music and a cosmos of film to her. there is nothing in the world i desire than to be with her, but i fully accept that that will likely not be....
i will love the hell out of you and i believe that i always will. i will never forget you and i know we will always have relative distance, but will most likely never again be as close as we once were... i guess in a weird way, this might be my goodbye to you, just trying to get all of this inside of me out since it can be really hard to talk to someone, but easy as hell to just write all of my thoughts out. and i don't want you to think it was all a mistake too, because it wasn't. i'm so happy that it happened, i just wished we could have had more time together.
goodbye my love.... and while i'm at it, (not to sound melodramatic) goodbye to a happy future (that doesn't mean i won't be successful, i just don't think it will be truly happy)... i guess just a general goodbye (again) for now..... and i leave you with a question, can one ever truly cease to be?
[NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Now that I am fully sober, I have properly edited the blog and also have expanded and added in places too.]