(no subject)
i've been awake for 21 hours straight and am probably delirious but these are just a few things i wanted to say.
1. i think i'm slowly realising why i'm still a virgin. i thought about all my sexual encounters. now, beyond kissing, all of them have either been with women, or threesomes. i've think i've begun to know why this is. i have male-intimacy issues and i blame my grandfather for this. for years, i thought i was almost going to be raped by him. he used to feel me up the wrong way, the things he said, i just felt sick. i still feel sick thinking about it. it sends shivers up my spine, but the thing is, i feel insufferably guilty wishing him dead. but i think this is why i feel okay with women and why all of my male sexual encounters have been during threesomes. i feel less vulnerable and more in control. not so much a feeling of that things will be done to me against my will, because there's someone else there to watch over me. the scary thing is, now that i think i've figured out the reason why i am the way i am, i don't know how to get past it. where do we go from here?
2. my great aunt dulcie died recently, without prior knowledge that she was dying. no one told her she had literally days to live. they all paid their visits, sat by her bed, knowing that she was going to die, and kept it from her. my biggest fear is that i will be dying and no one will tell me, or that i'll drop dead without warning. not because i'm afraid of death, but because i am afraid i'll never get the chance to tell my family the things i've been too scared to tell them. the things i've been too scared to say because i fear they'll disown me and this? this breaks my heart knowing i'll always have secrets.
3. i used to believe i was destined to become an alcoholic. my grandfathers, and my mother and father were all alcoholics. some still are. every time i drank almost always ended up in tears. i spent so long thinking that i didn't have a choice. i was so afraid. until someone came along and showed me that you didn't have to be a victim of your parents mistakes. that you could be different. that man was chris gutierrez. with all the things he's said that's affected me, this would probably have to be the most important.
4. i honestly believed i would die before meeting chris and i can't explain how much it means to me that i won't.
5. one of the things i've only ever prayed for, despite not believing in god, is that my friends and family are okay. that the ones i love, live happy lives. if you take the time to read this journal, you are included in this group.
this is a public journal entry because, to be quite honest, nothing is secret anymore.
1. i think i'm slowly realising why i'm still a virgin. i thought about all my sexual encounters. now, beyond kissing, all of them have either been with women, or threesomes. i've think i've begun to know why this is. i have male-intimacy issues and i blame my grandfather for this. for years, i thought i was almost going to be raped by him. he used to feel me up the wrong way, the things he said, i just felt sick. i still feel sick thinking about it. it sends shivers up my spine, but the thing is, i feel insufferably guilty wishing him dead. but i think this is why i feel okay with women and why all of my male sexual encounters have been during threesomes. i feel less vulnerable and more in control. not so much a feeling of that things will be done to me against my will, because there's someone else there to watch over me. the scary thing is, now that i think i've figured out the reason why i am the way i am, i don't know how to get past it. where do we go from here?
2. my great aunt dulcie died recently, without prior knowledge that she was dying. no one told her she had literally days to live. they all paid their visits, sat by her bed, knowing that she was going to die, and kept it from her. my biggest fear is that i will be dying and no one will tell me, or that i'll drop dead without warning. not because i'm afraid of death, but because i am afraid i'll never get the chance to tell my family the things i've been too scared to tell them. the things i've been too scared to say because i fear they'll disown me and this? this breaks my heart knowing i'll always have secrets.
3. i used to believe i was destined to become an alcoholic. my grandfathers, and my mother and father were all alcoholics. some still are. every time i drank almost always ended up in tears. i spent so long thinking that i didn't have a choice. i was so afraid. until someone came along and showed me that you didn't have to be a victim of your parents mistakes. that you could be different. that man was chris gutierrez. with all the things he's said that's affected me, this would probably have to be the most important.
4. i honestly believed i would die before meeting chris and i can't explain how much it means to me that i won't.
5. one of the things i've only ever prayed for, despite not believing in god, is that my friends and family are okay. that the ones i love, live happy lives. if you take the time to read this journal, you are included in this group.
this is a public journal entry because, to be quite honest, nothing is secret anymore.