Those 3 words...
Drew just left. I am not only pretty tired, but also a little sad. Sad that he left and sad for some other reasons. I once again, didnt say those 3 words, i am thinking it, and it seems like he is waiting for me to say it, but i am still worried. Another reason i am a lil sad is because earlier we were talking about Jesse's new girlfriend, and he said "shes definatley one to do with the lights out." Well i dont know if its just that i am really self concious or that i take a lot of things he says to heart but there was a time when he said to turn the lights off, so when he said it, i automatically got thinking that i must be one to do with the lights off. I dont know. I just always feel like he could have someone better, and so when he says something like this, i feel like just something he is doing right now. Even though he told me thats not true, thats just what i am still feeling. The one thing that absolutley upsets me the most is when he says something about nate and I. He says that its just to see my reaction, but i still feel like he doesnt trust me with other people. nate and i were never anything more then friends, i am not gonna lie, i did have a "crush" on him over a year ago. THat grew old...fast. Right now, he will be lucky if he can withstand the rest of the time hes here because he is pissing me off. From things he says to my brother and sister about me, and about Drew and I. There are no words to describe how much hatred i have towards him. I am not a really mean person, so i cant be mean to him directly, but when he does something to piss me off, he better watch out cause all hell will break loose.
I dont know if its the fact that he doesnt trust me or what the reason is that he says stuff about other guys and me, but i want him to know that i love him, and that nobody else could change that. It seemed like he was waiting for me to say "i love you" tonight, and then when he left it seemed like he was disappointed. I was thinking about running after him before he drove away, just to tell him....to tell him how much i love him. But something stopped me, I dont know. Maybe the fact that he never kisses me, i always kiss him, and when i do go to kiss him, he turns his head so i can only kiss his cheak. Or maybe the fact that sometimes when we are together at my house he seems more interested in the cats then me. I bet yo he doesnt notice he does this stuff, and its kind of stupid that i do, but it hurts me. And its even more stupid that when he does something that upsets me i cant say it to him then and there. But i feel stupid, and like its not important but then later it eats at me, but i still cant tell him directly. I feel like its not important or he will think its dumb. I dont know.
TOnight at work i hurt my back so bad, and he wouldn't let me lift trays and we were watching tv and i made a comment about wishing i had cable in my room so i could lay down so my back wouldn't hurt, and he brought me into my room and he rubbbed my back for a little while, and it felt so good, he really helped my back a little. That made me fel special. I dont know sometimes he does stuff like that and i am blown away, but then other times i feel like just another girl. Like when he talks about other chicks. I dont talk about other guys, and if i did i am pretty sure it would upset him. I am done for tonight. I love him so much. I am regretting not saying it tonight. These things that upset me seem so stupid compared to how much i love him. Well i am going to find something to do. I am not tired yet and i miss my baby too much to sleep. 2nd night in a row w/o him, i dont like it :(
I dont know if its the fact that he doesnt trust me or what the reason is that he says stuff about other guys and me, but i want him to know that i love him, and that nobody else could change that. It seemed like he was waiting for me to say "i love you" tonight, and then when he left it seemed like he was disappointed. I was thinking about running after him before he drove away, just to tell him....to tell him how much i love him. But something stopped me, I dont know. Maybe the fact that he never kisses me, i always kiss him, and when i do go to kiss him, he turns his head so i can only kiss his cheak. Or maybe the fact that sometimes when we are together at my house he seems more interested in the cats then me. I bet yo he doesnt notice he does this stuff, and its kind of stupid that i do, but it hurts me. And its even more stupid that when he does something that upsets me i cant say it to him then and there. But i feel stupid, and like its not important but then later it eats at me, but i still cant tell him directly. I feel like its not important or he will think its dumb. I dont know.
TOnight at work i hurt my back so bad, and he wouldn't let me lift trays and we were watching tv and i made a comment about wishing i had cable in my room so i could lay down so my back wouldn't hurt, and he brought me into my room and he rubbbed my back for a little while, and it felt so good, he really helped my back a little. That made me fel special. I dont know sometimes he does stuff like that and i am blown away, but then other times i feel like just another girl. Like when he talks about other chicks. I dont talk about other guys, and if i did i am pretty sure it would upset him. I am done for tonight. I love him so much. I am regretting not saying it tonight. These things that upset me seem so stupid compared to how much i love him. Well i am going to find something to do. I am not tired yet and i miss my baby too much to sleep. 2nd night in a row w/o him, i dont like it :(