I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean...
I'm not trying to be beautiful
but sometimes,
people see it in me
I feel like I have changed, or am changing... into this person, that isn't capable of having people close. I feel like Lauren, who is my BFF, is perpetually mad at me... Like I'm not what she wants or needs, and I don't know what to think about that, or how to feel. I don't feel comfortable talking to people about stuff that is bothering me anymore.. and I sometimes don't feel comfortable period, and there are choices I make that I think upset her.. but it is usually nothing about her... or there is some miscommunication I can't understand.. and I couldn't even try to confront it, because I don't understand it,it is just this feeling I have... or something I know.. I'm not sure.
I sometimes don't want people around me, not friends, but boys. Sometimes I don't want to be touched, or hang out... The only person I have chosen to hang out with is someone that lacks any value, and it just there for fun.. any one with value.. I don't want to see, I don't want to be touched, I barely want to talk to.
I guess the worst thing about all of this is.. that I think these things are okay. I feel really alone right now, and I think that is okay.
I want to sleep tonight, with out taking a sleeping pill...
Off I go, into the morning, to close my eyes.. and feel nothing for a while.. Just dreams, that make me face myself... Thank someone for sleep...