My Xmas List
This day begins with a birthday - Ted's. Happy birthday, my old and dear friend.
This day also has a difficult situation - for me. I have five new grandchildren, three of them step-grandchildren due to my youngest, AJ's marriage to a woman with children of her own. Even so, all five of the grandchildren are mine, whether by birth or by remarriage. I will not allow circumstances or ignorance determine what I feel and what I feel I owe. That includes a new daughter-in-law's passing acquaintance with the truth, even if it does paint me in a bad light.
I made a comment on a picture of Savannah with the recent wedding party where she stood in the back row, hiding herself (so she thought) from being seen just as I had hidden in the back or close to others who would hide me (I thought) from view and obscure the fact that I had gotten fat. I had mentioned that fact to Savannah in the comments and her stepmother decided I had called Savannah fat. I didn't. I recognized her hiding as I had hidden myself because I thought I was fat - and I was heavier than before I got pregnant with my first son and the weight kept piling on until I was in truth quite fat, a fact I kept trying to hide from the time of my first pregnancy and failing to do so - until I lost a huge chunk of poundage when I went keto. I maintain my weight loss because I cannot afford to by food in order to continue my weight loss. I subsist on Meals on Wheels (MOW), first with their general meal, then through the veggie plan, and now with the cold meal, which is as close as I will get with MOW.
I even ate the pumpkin pie last week, but I ate only the filling and did not touch or eat the crust because it was made with wheat. There are some things I will avoid, like corn, and the rest I will eat around or dump down the garbage disposal like I did the crust from the pumpkin pie and all of the bread and buns MOW puts on my meal. I would be hard pressed if Beanie would send me a piece of her oatmeal cake. Good thing that never happened and probably won't as long as my siblings continue to cut me out of the family. Cutty might have sent me a piece of her carrot cake, but I would not eat it because it is made with wheat, and I will not go that far in this maintenance plan of mine, proving that I can continue the weight loss by maintaining my weight loss and not gain it all back. I would not want to gain what I have lost, not at all.
Anyway, if my new daughter-in-law lies about me writing that Savannah is fat because she could not or did not read my words carefully, I will not count her children (my stepgrandchildren) out of me making Xmas stocking for them. They are my grandchildren, AJ's stepchildren because he married her. Since AJ deleted all comments from the FB photo, including his new wife's comments, I know that AJ (or maybe it was Savannah) deleted the problem and the misrepresentation of what I did say so no one else would be offended as my new daughter-in-law was.
I didn't have DS to defend me against his ex's stalking me for two years since DS and I were not in communication. I am thankful that AJ stood up for me against his new wife, but I do not have to castigate DS for him not standing up for me with his ex because he didn't even tell me where he was. He knows how I feel about my grandchildren, all of whom I have made Xmas stockings. DS even has Connor's stocking with him, keeping it with him wherever he goes, even hanging it up at Xmas time to remember Connor, though his girlfriend has moved in with him. DS's first wife was older than he as was his second wife, but his third wife, Julie, was pregnant and had a daughter from a previous mesalliance. I made a Xmas stocking for her and have included her in my gifts to Sierra and Connor until he died, and continue to include her since Connor's death. She is my granddaughter even though DS did not adopt her. Adoption would not matter to me either, just as my new stepgrandchildren are my grandchildren.
Things change. I am most adaptable during changes, whatever they are, and remarriage or cutting me out of the family as ETW has done so, do not count with regard to my grandchildren. I won't be able to make the five stockings in time for the grandchildren this year. I will have to find a job or get ahead of the bank's generosity next year when I could afford to buy the kits and the cloth necessary to make the Xmas stockings for my grandchildren in time for next year. It takes at least a month to cross-stitch five stockings and then sew the cloth and felt to the cross-stitched designs for the fronts of the stockings. At least all five will be ready for next Xmas for my grandchildren. I could get ahead of next year's Xmas if I could afford them now, but that's not possible. I don't have a job, but I still keep looking for a job here in town - or anywhere - and hoping. It would be easier if I had a car, but I cannot buy a car since I am down to my social security income. That would change if BB had followed through on her promise to me to take me to Stow, Ohio to get the warrant off my drivers license. BB reminds me she will take me when she can get the time off from her job. At least she isn't going to the UK this year. The Mushroom isn't going because there is no need since his London girl died last year. I am sad for the Mushroom. I'm even sad for BB since she loves to travel. Bu London girl died. I am sorry she died, but I am not sorry my siblings aren't going to the UK this year. I am sorry the Mushroom's London girl died last year and that he will never know from the London girl that she kept lying until the moment she died.
I was protective of the Mushroom because London girl was catfishing him from the start. You don't know what catfishing is? Obviously, you've never seen a talk show where family members have been on with their catfished relatives in order to protect them from being victims of the catfisher. I doubt that I would have subjected the Mushroom to public shame and ridicule by hooking up with any of the talk show hosts, including Oprah. I told him and he rejected me even though he found out I was right about his London girl because he asked her not to lie to him again. Since he cut me out of the family at that point, I didn't need to prove anything to him when she died. The lies stopped when her lips close the last time and she died. C'est la vie.
I am still cut out of the family by BB, Beanie, and the Mushroom, but that doesn't matter. They have known me my whole life and they still believe catfishing Filapinas or anyone else they happen to be involved with - like a recent husband who is also as abusive as her first husband because her new husband treats her well. And yet her husband is abusive, but not as abusive as her first husband. I've told Beanie when her husband is being abusive, but she has cut me out of the family and won't listen because he says he won't tolerate my presence. Okay then. Good thing his boys are too big and grown up for me to worry about making them Xmas stockings. I won't add them to the list and didn't when I made Xmas stockings for my grandchildren. They didn't complain and I didn't worry. I was working then and could have made the stockings, but they were not an issue. No one asked or expected me to make them stockings. And I had nine grandchildren to worry about, although I think I might have left out Jordan. Too late now since I cannot afford to buy the materials or make the stockings for the remaining five.
I can't even buy or make presents for anyone this year. I cannot celebrate Xmas this year. I wish I had a job, but I can't get one by complaining on the Internet. I can't even mount a GoFundMe campaign because even with the holiday season no one would contribute. It is like expecting my family to contribute. They won't. I don't expect it. Everyone has troubles of their own. Though I have difficulties, I keep hoping I will finally sort things out. I know how it goes with people. People are willing to give to children, wounded warriors, pets, and for death at the holidays. I am none of those. Well, children are involved, but not children with diseases like cancer or leukemia, just children (grandchildren) whose grandmother wants to make them stockings for Xmas. I cannot even put up a PayPal button because I don't have sufficient income for them or for setting up a business account on PayPal, not without a job or something to sell somewhere on the Internet.
My Xmas wish is enough money to buy the stocking kits and just a little money over for paying for the stamps for sending them. Who knows? Maybe someone I've helped before or sent gifts to over the years without any thought of return or anything but a thank you card will do something nice for me. I don't know. I hope for the future as I hope for a job and keep sending out resumes. I have plenty of stamps for letters because I bought them years ago and didn't use them all. Those stamps are the fullness of my assets. At least Medicaid won't take them from me as they would if I had a life insurance policy or sufficient assets which Medicaid would take from me and allow me $30 a month. The government is also a no-go. I have to keep sending out resumes and hoping for a job. I have to pay $200 before I lose my phone again and Internet, but not the food budget because I get $15 tomorrow on my SNAP card. Hooray! I'm sure everyone I've helped over the years will consider Xmas and send their good wishes my way soon.
Like I wrote, I have hope, lots of hope in this holiday season.
That is all. Disperse.