fic: cort & fatboy show, misc. insanity, pg-13.
So I wrote this in June and it was like, "Take Cort & Fatboy's most bizarre flights of fancy, add fanfic clichés, go!". With bonus casual violence and unauthorized use of The Sabertooth Vampire. Since it's based on the June shows and everything up to that, there's still Ryan & Courtenay on Wednesdays.
cort and fatboy and the tragedy of the self-perpetuating fanfic
cort & fatboy + guests, no actual sex but plenty of stabbing, the intellectual properties within this wtfery aren't mine. no pugs were harmed in the writing process of this fic. lots of words.
Chapter 1: The Aliens Made them Do It
It was Monday morning and Cort and Fatboy arrived to the Cascadia.fm studios in good spirits, only to find that the internet radio station had been invaded by aliens.
“Oh noes!” Fatboy exclaimed.
“Shut up!” the alien ordered. “Now, you must make out with the tall hairy man or we will destroy this planet.”
“The whole planet?” Cort asked.
“Yes.”
“As in, everything?”
“Yes.”
Cort shrugged. “Well, it was bound to happen one day. Nice knowing you, Fats.”
The alien looked puzzled. “So you won’t make out?”
“We don’t really want to,” Fatboy said.
The alien turned to the other alien, busy listening to old episodes of Suck It at the computer.
“What are you whispering about?” Fatboy asked.
“Can we start doing our show now?” Cort asked.
“The whole ‘we’ll destroy the planet’ thing usually works in these things,” the alien muttered to itself. “Oh well. Time to get more specific. We’ll destroy Fatboy’s laser disc collection and all the beer in all the world, unless you two make out like two establishedly heterosexual men should in ridiculous fanfiction scenarios such as this one. Now get on with it.”
Fatboy cringed. “But my laserdiscs...”
Cort sighed. “Does it count as making out if he runs into this knife I have?”
“Not unless you make out after he runs into the knife,” the alien replied.
Cort nodded solemnly. “Well, Fats, you know what you have to do.”
“Will you stop me from bleeding once we’re done?” Fatboy asked.
“I can punch the wound, see if that’ll help,” Cort said.
And so Fatboy ran into Cort’s knife and they made out. Aside from the puncture wound, it was okay.
“Meh,” the aliens said in unison and got on their space ship and flew away to a galaxy without George Lucas.
The door soon opened and a happy-looking Aaron Duran appeared. “Hey guys, what did I miss?”
Cort was cursing at his computer and Fatboy was bleeding profusely. In spirit of solidarity, Aaron wrapped a copy of ASBAR against the wound, and Fatboy was soon healed by the power of Goddamn Batman.
And so they learned that there was indeed a use for Frank Miller. To find out more, visit http://tfaw.com.
Chapter 2: Doppelgänger is a Very German Word
On Tuesday Cort and Fatboy were nice and early at the studios to make up for the Monday show being consisting of Fatboy insisting people “SWEAR TO” him and then whining about how he didn’t want to get stabbed again, while Cort looked on gleefully and Aaron conceptualised a brilliant new comic he was working on in between preventing kids from rubbing the Princess Leia statue’s crotch.
David Walker sauntered in with his usual style and grace, and pretty soon, another Fatboy followed him.
This caused some confusion.
“Why are there two of you?” Cort demanded to know.
“Have you seen the latest Doctor Who episodes?” Fatboy asked.
“Oh, that would make sense!” the second Fatboy exclaimed.
“Now there are two of them!” the other Fatboy said gleefully.
“Well, more for me to stab,” Cort commented with a shrug. “Dave, what’s up with you?”
“Not to sound like Byron,” David Walker began, “but what is with the simmering sexual tension between you three?”
“We had to make out to stop an alien invasion,” Cort said, and looked horrified for a moment. “Why did I say that?”
“Better yet,” one of the Fatboys commented, “why are you drinking Truth Serum?”
“Fuck!” Cort hissed. “This is the worst new VISO flavor yet!”
“Guys,” David said, “I’ve been cast as the voice of Sharktopus.”
They celebrated the news with good beer and casual misanthropy.
Chapter 3: Tech News For All Genders!
When Cort and Fatboy came in to do their show on Wednesday, they were less surprised by the sight of Courteney Hameister making out with Ryan Fleming of Digital Trends and more surprised by the fact there were no aliens to initiate this encounter.
“Hey guys,” Ryan said, “I’ve been transformed by the love of an incredible woman, because that’s not a cliché or anything.”
“All he wants to talk about now is the emotional integrity of the Final Fantasy franchise,” Courtenay said. “It’s so great you guys.”
“Whenever I get drunk, I turn into Steve,” Ryan explained further. “And Steve, it turns out, is a great poet of the erotic, vagina-worship variety.”
“It’s adorable,” Courtenay said. “But we should go do a picnic now. I’m pretty busy and important.”
“You’re beyond pretty,” Ryan said with hearts in his eyes.
“But what about Tech News?” Fatboy asked. “What about Foxconn atrocities, PS network leaks, Wii-u?”
“Would you kindly get a life?” Ryan asked.
Fatboy frowned. To get a life, he went to http://digitaltrends.com.
Chapter 4: Sex Pollen
When they came in to do the Thursday show, Fatboy sneezed.
“Gesundheit,” Cort said but Fatboy successfully resisted his German custom of defecating on Fatboy immediately after saying ‘Gesundheit’.
Byron Beck had not showed up as he had important things to get to, like seeing Daniel Baldwin launch his new line of edible underwear at a great new sushi rollercoaster restaurant in downtown Portland. Instead they got Big Jim, high off the success of his £2 billion advertisement deal with Pearwasp, the British equivalent of Applebee’s.
“I’d love to chat to you longer,” Big Jim said, “but I have people to entertain and money to roll around in.”
He left, and afterwards, Cort sneezed.
“Bless you,” Fatboy said. “In a totally religiously non-committal way.”
But as it happened, what had caused them to sneeze was the incredibly potent sex pollen in the air, which caused them to do many a depraved act, after which they felt incredibly sated and yet distinctly uncomfortable.
“What the fuck,” Fatboy said. “Hey, were you even naked for all that?”
“Of course,” Cort replied. “I removed three whole layers of hair for you!”
“It’s weird,” Fatboy said. “I don’t feel like we had any sex at all.”
And after meticulous, Sherlock Holmes-style deduction, they concluded that in their sex pollen craze, Cort had actually just humped Fatboy’s kangol hat and sweater that lay on the floor.
“In my defense, it looked just like you,” Cort said.
“We should never talk about this,” Fatboy replied.
‘Racquel Welsh’s lunchmeats’ on the textbox commented, “worst byron show, ever.”
Chapter 5: Mystery of the Buried Identities
On Friday, Cort was already at the studio when Fatboy arrived.
“Finally!” Cort said when Fatboy came in. “I’m your girlfriend in Cort’s body!”
“Wait, what,” Fatboy said. “How is that even possible?”
“This is fanfiction, stupid,” Cort replied. “Now you must come closer because I’m scared in this sasquatch body and want a hug.”
“Oh, cutie,” Fatboy said, rushing to embrace his beloved, trapped in Cort’s monstrous body.
“Haha, gotcha,” Cort said and stabbed Fatboy just as Mike Russell came in.
“Hey guys, look what I brought!” Mike said and what followed after him was a real life Sabertooth Vampire.
“Grobble grobble,” came the sound as the Sabertooth Vampire moved, careful not to hit his teeth and came up to the chair next to the fourth microphone.
“Robert promised him his own radio show!” Mike said, excited. “Too bad he doesn’t really speak. But at least he’ll always be here on time.”
The Sabertooth Vampire had propped itself on its teeth on the desk and it was looking dissatisfied with its choices in life all of the sudden.
“Made for late night, this guy, am I right?” Mike said.
Fatboy was too busy bleeding to respond.
“Mike, what’s up with movies?” Cort asked, settling behind the microphone while Sabertooth Vampire looked thirstily at Fatboy.
“Well, me and Sabertooth Vampire went to see Stick It 2 Vampires last night, and I have to say, it got everything right that I think Twilight got wrong,” Mike began. “But what I’d really like to talk about is the hiphop remix of the 1920’s Metropolis that’s playing at the Hollywood Theater next Tuesday.”
“That’s great,” Cort said. “Fatboy, would you mind providing your lifeblood to the Sabertooth Vampire?”
And so the week ended with Fatboy being fed on by a fictional vampire in a silent comic strip.
And Byron Beck never find out any of this because he doesn’t actually listen to the show.
The End
cort and fatboy and the tragedy of the self-perpetuating fanfic
cort & fatboy + guests, no actual sex but plenty of stabbing, the intellectual properties within this wtfery aren't mine. no pugs were harmed in the writing process of this fic. lots of words.
Chapter 1: The Aliens Made them Do It
It was Monday morning and Cort and Fatboy arrived to the Cascadia.fm studios in good spirits, only to find that the internet radio station had been invaded by aliens.
“Oh noes!” Fatboy exclaimed.
“Shut up!” the alien ordered. “Now, you must make out with the tall hairy man or we will destroy this planet.”
“The whole planet?” Cort asked.
“Yes.”
“As in, everything?”
“Yes.”
Cort shrugged. “Well, it was bound to happen one day. Nice knowing you, Fats.”
The alien looked puzzled. “So you won’t make out?”
“We don’t really want to,” Fatboy said.
The alien turned to the other alien, busy listening to old episodes of Suck It at the computer.
“What are you whispering about?” Fatboy asked.
“Can we start doing our show now?” Cort asked.
“The whole ‘we’ll destroy the planet’ thing usually works in these things,” the alien muttered to itself. “Oh well. Time to get more specific. We’ll destroy Fatboy’s laser disc collection and all the beer in all the world, unless you two make out like two establishedly heterosexual men should in ridiculous fanfiction scenarios such as this one. Now get on with it.”
Fatboy cringed. “But my laserdiscs...”
Cort sighed. “Does it count as making out if he runs into this knife I have?”
“Not unless you make out after he runs into the knife,” the alien replied.
Cort nodded solemnly. “Well, Fats, you know what you have to do.”
“Will you stop me from bleeding once we’re done?” Fatboy asked.
“I can punch the wound, see if that’ll help,” Cort said.
And so Fatboy ran into Cort’s knife and they made out. Aside from the puncture wound, it was okay.
“Meh,” the aliens said in unison and got on their space ship and flew away to a galaxy without George Lucas.
The door soon opened and a happy-looking Aaron Duran appeared. “Hey guys, what did I miss?”
Cort was cursing at his computer and Fatboy was bleeding profusely. In spirit of solidarity, Aaron wrapped a copy of ASBAR against the wound, and Fatboy was soon healed by the power of Goddamn Batman.
And so they learned that there was indeed a use for Frank Miller. To find out more, visit http://tfaw.com.
Chapter 2: Doppelgänger is a Very German Word
On Tuesday Cort and Fatboy were nice and early at the studios to make up for the Monday show being consisting of Fatboy insisting people “SWEAR TO” him and then whining about how he didn’t want to get stabbed again, while Cort looked on gleefully and Aaron conceptualised a brilliant new comic he was working on in between preventing kids from rubbing the Princess Leia statue’s crotch.
David Walker sauntered in with his usual style and grace, and pretty soon, another Fatboy followed him.
This caused some confusion.
“Why are there two of you?” Cort demanded to know.
“Have you seen the latest Doctor Who episodes?” Fatboy asked.
“Oh, that would make sense!” the second Fatboy exclaimed.
“Now there are two of them!” the other Fatboy said gleefully.
“Well, more for me to stab,” Cort commented with a shrug. “Dave, what’s up with you?”
“Not to sound like Byron,” David Walker began, “but what is with the simmering sexual tension between you three?”
“We had to make out to stop an alien invasion,” Cort said, and looked horrified for a moment. “Why did I say that?”
“Better yet,” one of the Fatboys commented, “why are you drinking Truth Serum?”
“Fuck!” Cort hissed. “This is the worst new VISO flavor yet!”
“Guys,” David said, “I’ve been cast as the voice of Sharktopus.”
They celebrated the news with good beer and casual misanthropy.
Chapter 3: Tech News For All Genders!
When Cort and Fatboy came in to do their show on Wednesday, they were less surprised by the sight of Courteney Hameister making out with Ryan Fleming of Digital Trends and more surprised by the fact there were no aliens to initiate this encounter.
“Hey guys,” Ryan said, “I’ve been transformed by the love of an incredible woman, because that’s not a cliché or anything.”
“All he wants to talk about now is the emotional integrity of the Final Fantasy franchise,” Courtenay said. “It’s so great you guys.”
“Whenever I get drunk, I turn into Steve,” Ryan explained further. “And Steve, it turns out, is a great poet of the erotic, vagina-worship variety.”
“It’s adorable,” Courtenay said. “But we should go do a picnic now. I’m pretty busy and important.”
“You’re beyond pretty,” Ryan said with hearts in his eyes.
“But what about Tech News?” Fatboy asked. “What about Foxconn atrocities, PS network leaks, Wii-u?”
“Would you kindly get a life?” Ryan asked.
Fatboy frowned. To get a life, he went to http://digitaltrends.com.
Chapter 4: Sex Pollen
When they came in to do the Thursday show, Fatboy sneezed.
“Gesundheit,” Cort said but Fatboy successfully resisted his German custom of defecating on Fatboy immediately after saying ‘Gesundheit’.
Byron Beck had not showed up as he had important things to get to, like seeing Daniel Baldwin launch his new line of edible underwear at a great new sushi rollercoaster restaurant in downtown Portland. Instead they got Big Jim, high off the success of his £2 billion advertisement deal with Pearwasp, the British equivalent of Applebee’s.
“I’d love to chat to you longer,” Big Jim said, “but I have people to entertain and money to roll around in.”
He left, and afterwards, Cort sneezed.
“Bless you,” Fatboy said. “In a totally religiously non-committal way.”
But as it happened, what had caused them to sneeze was the incredibly potent sex pollen in the air, which caused them to do many a depraved act, after which they felt incredibly sated and yet distinctly uncomfortable.
“What the fuck,” Fatboy said. “Hey, were you even naked for all that?”
“Of course,” Cort replied. “I removed three whole layers of hair for you!”
“It’s weird,” Fatboy said. “I don’t feel like we had any sex at all.”
And after meticulous, Sherlock Holmes-style deduction, they concluded that in their sex pollen craze, Cort had actually just humped Fatboy’s kangol hat and sweater that lay on the floor.
“In my defense, it looked just like you,” Cort said.
“We should never talk about this,” Fatboy replied.
‘Racquel Welsh’s lunchmeats’ on the textbox commented, “worst byron show, ever.”
Chapter 5: Mystery of the Buried Identities
On Friday, Cort was already at the studio when Fatboy arrived.
“Finally!” Cort said when Fatboy came in. “I’m your girlfriend in Cort’s body!”
“Wait, what,” Fatboy said. “How is that even possible?”
“This is fanfiction, stupid,” Cort replied. “Now you must come closer because I’m scared in this sasquatch body and want a hug.”
“Oh, cutie,” Fatboy said, rushing to embrace his beloved, trapped in Cort’s monstrous body.
“Haha, gotcha,” Cort said and stabbed Fatboy just as Mike Russell came in.
“Hey guys, look what I brought!” Mike said and what followed after him was a real life Sabertooth Vampire.
“Grobble grobble,” came the sound as the Sabertooth Vampire moved, careful not to hit his teeth and came up to the chair next to the fourth microphone.
“Robert promised him his own radio show!” Mike said, excited. “Too bad he doesn’t really speak. But at least he’ll always be here on time.”
The Sabertooth Vampire had propped itself on its teeth on the desk and it was looking dissatisfied with its choices in life all of the sudden.
“Made for late night, this guy, am I right?” Mike said.
Fatboy was too busy bleeding to respond.
“Mike, what’s up with movies?” Cort asked, settling behind the microphone while Sabertooth Vampire looked thirstily at Fatboy.
“Well, me and Sabertooth Vampire went to see Stick It 2 Vampires last night, and I have to say, it got everything right that I think Twilight got wrong,” Mike began. “But what I’d really like to talk about is the hiphop remix of the 1920’s Metropolis that’s playing at the Hollywood Theater next Tuesday.”
“That’s great,” Cort said. “Fatboy, would you mind providing your lifeblood to the Sabertooth Vampire?”
And so the week ended with Fatboy being fed on by a fictional vampire in a silent comic strip.
And Byron Beck never find out any of this because he doesn’t actually listen to the show.
The End