fic: the inbetweeners, pg-13.
Wrote a new fandom! For New Year's Resolutions! Yeyz!
party like it's 999
the inbetweeners, the lads + some carli, 1055 words, pg-13 for swearing and such. takes place post-s2 but doesn't really spoil anything of s2 so could work as post-s1. written for MissMercy for NYR 09.
1.
If the world was fair, beautiful and perfect, Will would have older, articulate friends who'd provide the connections with which he could work his way into a summer job that overlapped with one of his many academic interests, who could buy alcohol, introduce him to wines that didn't taste like shit and introduce him to some fairly bosomed girl who enjoyed films as well as sexual experimentation. His articulate fantasy friends would not talk about how much they'd enjoy fucking his mum. In fact, they'd hardly talk about sex at all. They would all be having tons, of course, including Will himself, but none of them liked to boast.
As luck would have it, though, the world is extremely unfair, beautiful only abroad and not perfect in the least. Will has a job cutting grass that Simon's dad got them and the closest they've been to alcohol all month has been the hand sanitizer gel Jay used as wank lubricant (fairly awkward hospital visit but Will isn't sure it will be the summer's only one). The only new female acquaintance in his life is his and Simon's 50 year old boss Janine, who can use a lawn mower whilst having breasts located somewhere half-way her body. It's not really much of a talent, but it is probably the most interesting thing about her, if by "interesting" one actually means "depressing".
"It's not all bad," Simon says, gathering freshly cut grass with the tip of his shoe, but then, he's on another one of his Carli high's as just yesterday she had a brief chat with him on the subject of her upcoming Swiss holiday. "The weather's been nice. Plus I think Carli really likes me. She asked me for my email so she can send me her holiday photos, and I don't think she's with Tom any more."
Will considers how to nicely phrase, 'give it the fuck up already, Si' while working in some sort of metaphor about his chances with Carli being as big as the Swiss army. Instead he opts to change the topic completely.
"Aren't your folks going on a holiday as well?"
"Oh, don't remind me," Simon groans. "They're going to some gross sex holiday in Germany."
"It leaves your house empty for a week, though," Will says.
"Your house is empty for a week?" Jay's voice pipes up from behind them. "Great, I've been looking for a place to have a minor fuckfest with this one bird."
"Only a minor fuckfest, is it?" Will asks. "Hi Neil."
"Hi," Neil says with a toothy smile.
"Well, I wouldn't want to shag her through a wall or otherwise damage the property," Jay replies.
"You call her 'the property'? So romantic," Will says with a smile.
"Nobody's having any fuckfests, all right?" Simon says emphatically.
"All right, you knobend, I'll find another place to plumb her cave. But we are going to have a party, right?" Jay asks, raising his eye brows.
Everybody looks at Simon. He sighs.
"As long as nothing breaks," he then says.
2.
"It's not what it looks like, Carli, I swear!" Simon says, or squeaks more like, and Carli just blinks.
It never is what it looks like, with Simon, but if it were, it looked like Simon was bent over a passed out Jay, who was crushing Will under his weight. And out of the three, only Jay had jeans on.
Sometimes she's simply not sure what to think anymore.
"It's a medical emergency!" Will pipes up from underneath Jay, clearly drunk. There's sounds of glass breaking in the kitchen, and Simon turns a shade paler, and then redder, realizing how he's dressed.
"I better," she begins, gestures going, and she knows he'll ask her to stay, to not leave just yet. It is sweet, and everything, and she makes the effort, and she really wants to believe they can still be actual friends but Simon's not the boy next door any more.
"Please don't leave yet," Simon asks her, begs almost.
"Simon, I've really got to--"
"He's weeing on me, he's weeing on me! Neil, help!" Will yells suddenly.
"You should help your friends," she says, flashing him a sympathetic smile. "I'll send you a postcard from Switzerland."
"Right," he says, looking visibly disappointed. "Bye."
The summer night is cooler than she thought. All of her friends left early; they hate these failures of parties but piss themselves laughing at whatever happened at them, anyway. She feels a little uncomfortable with the laughs, the piss-taking. They're not total losers, Simon and his lot. But she's not just the girl next door to him, anymore, she's this strange dream object he can't quite treat like a regular human being, and secretly she misses the time when she didn't like boys, and she didn't have breasts, and if Simon did like her then, she didn't notice, nor did she care.
It doesn't feel right to reject him. But it especially doesn't feel right to say 'yes'.
3.
"Say what you like, you jealous tossers, but I think the paramedic lady was aching to have my cock inside of her depths," Jay declares the next day.
"After she'd seen you puke up all of your depths? Rather unlikely," Will noted sarcastically.
"Old babes like her are always on the hunt for prime meat such as yours truly," Jay insists. "Don't expect you'd know much about it, specsy weirdo."
"Original," Will retorts.
"Your mum's the original ...bicycle."
"Can you please just shut up for a moment?" Simon asks, burying his face in his hands. "I'm going to spend the rest of the holidays glueing my mum's china back together."
"That was all Neil's friends' doing," Will comments.
"They weren't my mates!" Neil says.
"Then why did you invite them?"
"They said they'd bring girls!"
"D'you think I could get her number if I call 911?" Jay intercepts.
"911 is the American emergency number," Will points out. "999 is the British one, and no, I don't think you can use that to pull."
"Well, maybe you couldn't," Jay says.
Simon stands up suddenly.
"Where are you going?" Neil asks.
"Home," Simon replies. "Some summer this is, honestly."
"D'you know what the best part is?" Jay asks, and answers himself with a grin all over his face. "It's only beginning."
party like it's 999
the inbetweeners, the lads + some carli, 1055 words, pg-13 for swearing and such. takes place post-s2 but doesn't really spoil anything of s2 so could work as post-s1. written for MissMercy for NYR 09.
1.
If the world was fair, beautiful and perfect, Will would have older, articulate friends who'd provide the connections with which he could work his way into a summer job that overlapped with one of his many academic interests, who could buy alcohol, introduce him to wines that didn't taste like shit and introduce him to some fairly bosomed girl who enjoyed films as well as sexual experimentation. His articulate fantasy friends would not talk about how much they'd enjoy fucking his mum. In fact, they'd hardly talk about sex at all. They would all be having tons, of course, including Will himself, but none of them liked to boast.
As luck would have it, though, the world is extremely unfair, beautiful only abroad and not perfect in the least. Will has a job cutting grass that Simon's dad got them and the closest they've been to alcohol all month has been the hand sanitizer gel Jay used as wank lubricant (fairly awkward hospital visit but Will isn't sure it will be the summer's only one). The only new female acquaintance in his life is his and Simon's 50 year old boss Janine, who can use a lawn mower whilst having breasts located somewhere half-way her body. It's not really much of a talent, but it is probably the most interesting thing about her, if by "interesting" one actually means "depressing".
"It's not all bad," Simon says, gathering freshly cut grass with the tip of his shoe, but then, he's on another one of his Carli high's as just yesterday she had a brief chat with him on the subject of her upcoming Swiss holiday. "The weather's been nice. Plus I think Carli really likes me. She asked me for my email so she can send me her holiday photos, and I don't think she's with Tom any more."
Will considers how to nicely phrase, 'give it the fuck up already, Si' while working in some sort of metaphor about his chances with Carli being as big as the Swiss army. Instead he opts to change the topic completely.
"Aren't your folks going on a holiday as well?"
"Oh, don't remind me," Simon groans. "They're going to some gross sex holiday in Germany."
"It leaves your house empty for a week, though," Will says.
"Your house is empty for a week?" Jay's voice pipes up from behind them. "Great, I've been looking for a place to have a minor fuckfest with this one bird."
"Only a minor fuckfest, is it?" Will asks. "Hi Neil."
"Hi," Neil says with a toothy smile.
"Well, I wouldn't want to shag her through a wall or otherwise damage the property," Jay replies.
"You call her 'the property'? So romantic," Will says with a smile.
"Nobody's having any fuckfests, all right?" Simon says emphatically.
"All right, you knobend, I'll find another place to plumb her cave. But we are going to have a party, right?" Jay asks, raising his eye brows.
Everybody looks at Simon. He sighs.
"As long as nothing breaks," he then says.
2.
"It's not what it looks like, Carli, I swear!" Simon says, or squeaks more like, and Carli just blinks.
It never is what it looks like, with Simon, but if it were, it looked like Simon was bent over a passed out Jay, who was crushing Will under his weight. And out of the three, only Jay had jeans on.
Sometimes she's simply not sure what to think anymore.
"It's a medical emergency!" Will pipes up from underneath Jay, clearly drunk. There's sounds of glass breaking in the kitchen, and Simon turns a shade paler, and then redder, realizing how he's dressed.
"I better," she begins, gestures going, and she knows he'll ask her to stay, to not leave just yet. It is sweet, and everything, and she makes the effort, and she really wants to believe they can still be actual friends but Simon's not the boy next door any more.
"Please don't leave yet," Simon asks her, begs almost.
"Simon, I've really got to--"
"He's weeing on me, he's weeing on me! Neil, help!" Will yells suddenly.
"You should help your friends," she says, flashing him a sympathetic smile. "I'll send you a postcard from Switzerland."
"Right," he says, looking visibly disappointed. "Bye."
The summer night is cooler than she thought. All of her friends left early; they hate these failures of parties but piss themselves laughing at whatever happened at them, anyway. She feels a little uncomfortable with the laughs, the piss-taking. They're not total losers, Simon and his lot. But she's not just the girl next door to him, anymore, she's this strange dream object he can't quite treat like a regular human being, and secretly she misses the time when she didn't like boys, and she didn't have breasts, and if Simon did like her then, she didn't notice, nor did she care.
It doesn't feel right to reject him. But it especially doesn't feel right to say 'yes'.
3.
"Say what you like, you jealous tossers, but I think the paramedic lady was aching to have my cock inside of her depths," Jay declares the next day.
"After she'd seen you puke up all of your depths? Rather unlikely," Will noted sarcastically.
"Old babes like her are always on the hunt for prime meat such as yours truly," Jay insists. "Don't expect you'd know much about it, specsy weirdo."
"Original," Will retorts.
"Your mum's the original ...bicycle."
"Can you please just shut up for a moment?" Simon asks, burying his face in his hands. "I'm going to spend the rest of the holidays glueing my mum's china back together."
"That was all Neil's friends' doing," Will comments.
"They weren't my mates!" Neil says.
"Then why did you invite them?"
"They said they'd bring girls!"
"D'you think I could get her number if I call 911?" Jay intercepts.
"911 is the American emergency number," Will points out. "999 is the British one, and no, I don't think you can use that to pull."
"Well, maybe you couldn't," Jay says.
Simon stands up suddenly.
"Where are you going?" Neil asks.
"Home," Simon replies. "Some summer this is, honestly."
"D'you know what the best part is?" Jay asks, and answers himself with a grin all over his face. "It's only beginning."