fic: jake & amir, g.
Um.
straight up. pun intended. whatever 'pun' means. jake?
jake & amir, mild jake/amir + sarah, 1,400+ words, rated g. er, i don't own the rights to these characters. don't sue me guys, jake encouraged it in that chat and ..okay, i have no excuse.
It's like 1PM at the least and Amir feels like he's worked like ninety days by now.
"Jake, I feel like I've worked like ninety days by now."
Jake looks at him over the computer screen. Jake's always doing that. Looking. Sometimes Jake looks at the screen, probably at the IM box window. Or Amir's Twitter. Jake's always looking at him, in a way.
"You've worked here for years, Amir, of course you've worked ninety days."
Jake's so chill.
"No, I mean like, I've worked ninety days today, I've worked so hard."
"You came in three hours late and then you left for a two hour lunch, so no you haven't."
"Yeah, but I had lunch with you, so that means--"
"No, you didn't."
Amir doesn't reply to that. Jake knows him so well. Like, if his life was a book, Jake could write it. Mostly because Jake's really good at spelling. And pretty much everything, like being a chill best friend and a total pimp. Amir considers this.
"Hook up with any babes over the weekend?"
Jake sighs. "No. You?"
"Like one or two-ish. Like seven."
"Seven?"
Jake's always asking him questions like that. Jake always wants to know stuff about him. It can be tiring sometimes but Jake is his best friend, after all, so he has to reply and anyway, he really likes it when Jake talks. He has a beautiful voice.
"Yeah, or whatever."
"So how many?"
"Whatever, man, so I'm not a chill playa pimp like you, but I'm your best friend - therefore - Jake?"
"I'm not, you're not, and you can't .." Jake sighs. "Never mind, okay?"
"You're so modest," Amir replies. "That's like one of the best things about you."
"Don't."
"Or like, top 40 best things about you."
Jake is silent again, probably because he doesn't believe Amir.
"Wait up, bro, emailing you the list. Jake."
"Don't, I have to work and--"
"Done-zo."
"Right, well, that's only 2 things and you spelled my name wrong, and you spelled your own name wrong and I'm not your best friend, so the list is kind of redundant."
"Okay, well, why don't I write another list, and then you write a list, and we can compare AND if - and only if - we get over 30 same answers, I'll come over to your place and we can--"
"How about we just work?" Jake asks. "Just like two regular people, work at our jobs until we finish our work for today and go home."
Amir opens his mouth but Jake interrupts him before he even gets to say anything. That's the kind of body-mind-soul connection they have. Except, er, they're not really connected via body.
"And when I say home, I mean our own separate apartments."
"But all my mail is delivered to your apartment!"
"How could you possibly forward your mail to my place if you don't know what an envelope is?"
"Sheesh, Jake, I don't know, it's a little thing called bribing the local government if you must know, you baby."
"What?"
"I had Sam do it for me online, god, what's the big deal?"
Jake sighs. Jake has so much air inside of him he needs to let it out sometimes. Or whatever.
"Yo bro, spare a homeboy a ho or go doughnut so ...Jake?"
"I thought I told you to stop rapping."
"You also told me to stop showering at your place, so I stopped showering and then you made you shower again, so."
"You stopped showering altogether and lived in a dumpster for a month."
"Only because you wouldn't let me in!"
"Still doesn't explain the dumpster."
"Twas warm.."
Jake looks at him again. "What's with this obsession with ho's all of the sudden?"
"You've got so many, Jake, it's like, I don't know, give the gift of giving to give to give to me, your best friend."
"I actually don't have any ho's, and I don't understand why you'd think I would." Jake returns his attention to the computer. Though technically it's on Amir, because Amir is constantly on Jake's computer, usually when Jake's not around. Sometimes he's on Jake's computer so much he forgets to leave the office and then it's like, 8AM and Jake's all like, "What are you doing at my computer?". Jake's so funny.
"You don't?"
"No, I'm really monogamous," Jake replies. "That means I'm faithful to whoever I'm dating and only date one person at a time."
"Oh, so like, right now we're monogamis to each other, because I don't have any other friends, and you don't have any other friends."
"Not how that works at all, and I do have other friends."
"But we don't have other best friends."
"Actually I do."
"No other best friends in this office."
"Actually I'm best friends with Sarah and Rosie, so."
Amir goes quiet. Jake's so funny but sometimes he does this thing where it's like a joke, but it's not funny and actually makes Amir feel pretty non-good and whatever, it's not like it's real, Amir knows Jake's just kidding but the joke's just not funny. It's like one of those surrealist comedies. Like when you watch a sitcom and start crying. Like that.
"Hey," Jake says.
Amir doesn't want to say anything back.
"Hey," Jake says again. "Sorry, I just.. you gotta stop saying weird things like that, dude. You make me over-react."
"Just like, whatever dude," Amir says.
"We could be like, bronogamous," Jake says. "Or whatever. Stupid."
Yeah, Amir thinks. Jake can be pretty dumb sometimes. "Bronogamous" is not even a real word.
"Would be pretty ace," Amir says.
"Yeah," Jake agrees.
"Cuddle?"
"No."
**
"Amir's got a point, though," Sarah tells Jake later that day in the break room. Jake simply looks at her.
"With all due respect, Sarah," he then says. "Are you high?"
She rolls her eyes. "I'm just saying, you haven't really dated any girls due the course of your relationship with Amir."
"First, don't ever call it that, geez," Jake replies. "And I've dated plenty, thanks a lot."
"But none of them seriously," Sarah argues. "Even when it has begun to get serious, the girls you date tend to find it a turn off that you always ditch them on dates to go hang out with Amir."
"When have I ever done that?"
"When Amir ate chicken covered in paint because he thought it was bbq sauce."
"What was I going to do, let him die? Harsh, Sarah."
"How about that time when you just left the party because Amir was staying at your place?"
"He wasn't staying at my place, he broke in and I had to go keep an eye on him. He could've tried to deep fry my alarm clock or something."
"What?"
"Because it, like, cuckoos and Amir thinks that's-- nevermind," Jake says, trailing off. Sarah is giving him one of those looks that a lot of people give him nowadays when he talks about Amir. The looks that say he's way too far in for his own good. As if he didn't know that by now.
But what's he supposed to say? That he tried living without Amir and it didn't quite work out? That he missed Amir more than CollegeHumor, more than New York City itself? That shit is cray-- that kind of talk was crazy. Nobody would believe him anyhow.
Jake notices Sarah's looking at something behind him and reacts instinctively.
"Don't," he simply says as Amir's arms attempt to hug him from behind. "No touching."
"Haha," Amir replies. "Remember that TV show where they use that?"
"Arrested Development?" Jake asks.
"No, Alf, what's Arrested Development?"
"When did they ever use that in Alf?"
"When the cat, like, chased the dog and the dog was like, drooling and -- whatever, man, I don't have time to watch TV when I'm spending all my time hanging out with you."
"You're not, and that show doesn't air anymore, so." Jake turns to give Sarah an amused look. She is gone. "Where'd Sarah go?"
Amir shrugs and throws his arms around Jake to hug him from behind before Jake has time to react.
"Dinner tonight?" Amir asks.
It gets tiring to say no all the time.
"Sure," Jake says.
He's been saying 'yes' a lot more often nowadays. It's weird. The more he says it, the less of a deal it becomes. It's almost natural nowadays.
It's not too sane, he realizes. Should've stayed in California. Amir's arms stay around him. Whatever. Stupid.
straight up. pun intended. whatever 'pun' means. jake?
jake & amir, mild jake/amir + sarah, 1,400+ words, rated g. er, i don't own the rights to these characters. don't sue me guys, jake encouraged it in that chat and ..okay, i have no excuse.
It's like 1PM at the least and Amir feels like he's worked like ninety days by now.
"Jake, I feel like I've worked like ninety days by now."
Jake looks at him over the computer screen. Jake's always doing that. Looking. Sometimes Jake looks at the screen, probably at the IM box window. Or Amir's Twitter. Jake's always looking at him, in a way.
"You've worked here for years, Amir, of course you've worked ninety days."
Jake's so chill.
"No, I mean like, I've worked ninety days today, I've worked so hard."
"You came in three hours late and then you left for a two hour lunch, so no you haven't."
"Yeah, but I had lunch with you, so that means--"
"No, you didn't."
Amir doesn't reply to that. Jake knows him so well. Like, if his life was a book, Jake could write it. Mostly because Jake's really good at spelling. And pretty much everything, like being a chill best friend and a total pimp. Amir considers this.
"Hook up with any babes over the weekend?"
Jake sighs. "No. You?"
"Like one or two-ish. Like seven."
"Seven?"
Jake's always asking him questions like that. Jake always wants to know stuff about him. It can be tiring sometimes but Jake is his best friend, after all, so he has to reply and anyway, he really likes it when Jake talks. He has a beautiful voice.
"Yeah, or whatever."
"So how many?"
"Whatever, man, so I'm not a chill playa pimp like you, but I'm your best friend - therefore - Jake?"
"I'm not, you're not, and you can't .." Jake sighs. "Never mind, okay?"
"You're so modest," Amir replies. "That's like one of the best things about you."
"Don't."
"Or like, top 40 best things about you."
Jake is silent again, probably because he doesn't believe Amir.
"Wait up, bro, emailing you the list. Jake."
"Don't, I have to work and--"
"Done-zo."
"Right, well, that's only 2 things and you spelled my name wrong, and you spelled your own name wrong and I'm not your best friend, so the list is kind of redundant."
"Okay, well, why don't I write another list, and then you write a list, and we can compare AND if - and only if - we get over 30 same answers, I'll come over to your place and we can--"
"How about we just work?" Jake asks. "Just like two regular people, work at our jobs until we finish our work for today and go home."
Amir opens his mouth but Jake interrupts him before he even gets to say anything. That's the kind of body-mind-soul connection they have. Except, er, they're not really connected via body.
"And when I say home, I mean our own separate apartments."
"But all my mail is delivered to your apartment!"
"How could you possibly forward your mail to my place if you don't know what an envelope is?"
"Sheesh, Jake, I don't know, it's a little thing called bribing the local government if you must know, you baby."
"What?"
"I had Sam do it for me online, god, what's the big deal?"
Jake sighs. Jake has so much air inside of him he needs to let it out sometimes. Or whatever.
"Yo bro, spare a homeboy a ho or go doughnut so ...Jake?"
"I thought I told you to stop rapping."
"You also told me to stop showering at your place, so I stopped showering and then you made you shower again, so."
"You stopped showering altogether and lived in a dumpster for a month."
"Only because you wouldn't let me in!"
"Still doesn't explain the dumpster."
"Twas warm.."
Jake looks at him again. "What's with this obsession with ho's all of the sudden?"
"You've got so many, Jake, it's like, I don't know, give the gift of giving to give to give to me, your best friend."
"I actually don't have any ho's, and I don't understand why you'd think I would." Jake returns his attention to the computer. Though technically it's on Amir, because Amir is constantly on Jake's computer, usually when Jake's not around. Sometimes he's on Jake's computer so much he forgets to leave the office and then it's like, 8AM and Jake's all like, "What are you doing at my computer?". Jake's so funny.
"You don't?"
"No, I'm really monogamous," Jake replies. "That means I'm faithful to whoever I'm dating and only date one person at a time."
"Oh, so like, right now we're monogamis to each other, because I don't have any other friends, and you don't have any other friends."
"Not how that works at all, and I do have other friends."
"But we don't have other best friends."
"Actually I do."
"No other best friends in this office."
"Actually I'm best friends with Sarah and Rosie, so."
Amir goes quiet. Jake's so funny but sometimes he does this thing where it's like a joke, but it's not funny and actually makes Amir feel pretty non-good and whatever, it's not like it's real, Amir knows Jake's just kidding but the joke's just not funny. It's like one of those surrealist comedies. Like when you watch a sitcom and start crying. Like that.
"Hey," Jake says.
Amir doesn't want to say anything back.
"Hey," Jake says again. "Sorry, I just.. you gotta stop saying weird things like that, dude. You make me over-react."
"Just like, whatever dude," Amir says.
"We could be like, bronogamous," Jake says. "Or whatever. Stupid."
Yeah, Amir thinks. Jake can be pretty dumb sometimes. "Bronogamous" is not even a real word.
"Would be pretty ace," Amir says.
"Yeah," Jake agrees.
"Cuddle?"
"No."
**
"Amir's got a point, though," Sarah tells Jake later that day in the break room. Jake simply looks at her.
"With all due respect, Sarah," he then says. "Are you high?"
She rolls her eyes. "I'm just saying, you haven't really dated any girls due the course of your relationship with Amir."
"First, don't ever call it that, geez," Jake replies. "And I've dated plenty, thanks a lot."
"But none of them seriously," Sarah argues. "Even when it has begun to get serious, the girls you date tend to find it a turn off that you always ditch them on dates to go hang out with Amir."
"When have I ever done that?"
"When Amir ate chicken covered in paint because he thought it was bbq sauce."
"What was I going to do, let him die? Harsh, Sarah."
"How about that time when you just left the party because Amir was staying at your place?"
"He wasn't staying at my place, he broke in and I had to go keep an eye on him. He could've tried to deep fry my alarm clock or something."
"What?"
"Because it, like, cuckoos and Amir thinks that's-- nevermind," Jake says, trailing off. Sarah is giving him one of those looks that a lot of people give him nowadays when he talks about Amir. The looks that say he's way too far in for his own good. As if he didn't know that by now.
But what's he supposed to say? That he tried living without Amir and it didn't quite work out? That he missed Amir more than CollegeHumor, more than New York City itself? That shit is cray-- that kind of talk was crazy. Nobody would believe him anyhow.
Jake notices Sarah's looking at something behind him and reacts instinctively.
"Don't," he simply says as Amir's arms attempt to hug him from behind. "No touching."
"Haha," Amir replies. "Remember that TV show where they use that?"
"Arrested Development?" Jake asks.
"No, Alf, what's Arrested Development?"
"When did they ever use that in Alf?"
"When the cat, like, chased the dog and the dog was like, drooling and -- whatever, man, I don't have time to watch TV when I'm spending all my time hanging out with you."
"You're not, and that show doesn't air anymore, so." Jake turns to give Sarah an amused look. She is gone. "Where'd Sarah go?"
Amir shrugs and throws his arms around Jake to hug him from behind before Jake has time to react.
"Dinner tonight?" Amir asks.
It gets tiring to say no all the time.
"Sure," Jake says.
He's been saying 'yes' a lot more often nowadays. It's weird. The more he says it, the less of a deal it becomes. It's almost natural nowadays.
It's not too sane, he realizes. Should've stayed in California. Amir's arms stay around him. Whatever. Stupid.