(no subject)
Dora came out of the shower, wrapped in a towel and drying her hair. She looked a little drowsy, as if she had forced herself to wake up. She entered the bedroom, where some clothes were layed out on the bed. She had managed earlier to clean the majority of the bedroom and training room up.
Faith came down the stairs after talking with Tara. She was still a bit confused with the girl's behavior, but it wasn't her problem. When she got over being pissed at Giles, she'd mention it to him. That whole Lilah thing was still fresh on her mind and she was still unhappy about it. She stepped into the bedroom, looking around and seeing that Dora had cleaned everything up. "Guess you got sick of your shit layin' around huh?" She smirked, sitting on the floor and leaning up to turn on her Playstation.
Dora glanced at Faith as she slipped into her change of clothes. "Oh, yeah...plus, you know, I just wanted something to do. I'm thinking about cleaning the upstairs too..." She paused, looking thoughtful. "And I'm sure Giles wouldn't mind that." She sat crosslegged behind Faith, on the bed, her chin in her hand and watching her play videogames. "They should make a slaying videogame."
"Nah, he ain't gonna mind that. When we moved in, that was supposed to be my gig. He would cook and I'd do the cleanin'. Guess it's a good thing you're around, now I ain't gotta do it." She laughed, teasing her. Pushing buttons on the controller, she looked focused as she played her video game. "This is just as good as a slayin' game. Zombies comin' at you. Only difference is, you get yourself a gun instead of a wooden stake. Besides, a slayin' game would take all the fun out of the real thing."
Dora laughed quietly, rolling her eyes behind Faith's back. "So I guess you heard about the meeting that's going down?" She kept her eyes on the video game, and her voice neutral.
A look of anger crossed Faith's face as she kept her attention on the video game, continuing to shoot the zombie long after it was dead. "Yeah I heard about the fuckin' meeting. G-man's flunky filled me in."
Dora noted the anger in Faith's voice. "Are you upset about it?," she asked calmly.
"Well you'd think I'd be more in the know instead of findin' out from some fuckin' dimensionally challenged freak. I'm the longest livin' slayer on record, you'd think that shit would count for somethin'. But, who am I kiddin'? I'm just that slayer that went bad. The murderer who did some prison time. Everybody looks at me like that. Thinkin' I ain't changed." She shook her head with a sarcastic laugh. "Hell, maybe I haven't changed." She stopped, wishing she hadn't just went off on that ramble. It made her sound whiny and weak. She shrugged her shoulders. "Just fuck it. Yeah I'm upset about it. I'm wicked pissed about it. Let's just make that clear right now."
Dora wasn't sure if she could say any one thing that could placate Faith. It was like walking on eggshells, and Faith would most likely take offense with whatever she did decide to say. With that in mind, she decided to just be honest. "For what it's worth...and I'm not sure how just how much that is worth, but just assuming...When I look at you, that's not who I see. You haven't gone 'soft', but you're not 'bad' either. You're still just as strong as ever. You're the strongest person I know. And I know this may sound like a crazy idea...but why don't you tell Giles that it upset you to feel like you weren't in the know?"
Faith rolled her eyes to herself and continued to play her game. "It ain't so easy Hollywood. I don't whine and me goin' to Giles tellin' him I was pissed is whinin'. Besides, fuck it. Let Lilah do all the dirty work, saves me the fuckin' trouble." She shrugged again.
Dora sighed inwardly and stood up from the bed. "I don't even know if I want to go. I'm not used to being around a lot of people yet." She wrapped her arms around herself. "Imposed solitary confinement in an abandoned, out-of-order freezer does that to you."
"Ain't nobody makin' you go. I don't even know if I'm goin'." She still frowned, staring at the television but not paying much attention.
Dora was feeling increasingly frustrated with this conversation and she didn't even know why. "So then don't. Why do something you don't want to do?" She was obviously asking it as an honest question; there was nothing rhetorical to it.
Faith felt angry at Dora's words. She looked up at her with her eyebrow raised. "Do I ever do somethin' I don't wanna do? You know what? Let's just drop this shit before we get into it. I'm pissed and you're gonna push me and I ain't in the mood to fight with you." She tossed her controller towards the television. Not hard, but it hit the console itself, echoing loudly through the room.
"That wasn't what I was trying to do, and it certainly wasn't what I was trying to say." Dora jumped a little at the sound of the controller hitting the t.v. "I didn't wake up today and say to myself, 'gee, I think I'll fight with Faith tonight about some meeting', that Giles probably didn't even intend to piss you off with! I don't know what it is, but it seems that everything is pissing you off. And before you throw something else, and tell me that you have every reason to be pissed off, for whatever wrongdoings we've all done against you, I'm just gonna agree in advance. I don't know what to do anymore, because I can't just sit by while you're upset. Trying to help you just seems to piss you off more, though. Don't even tell me not to try, it won't work. Believe it or not I do want you to be happy, Faith. That's all I want for you."
"Well, you know I'm pissed and you gotta say shit to push me. Maybe he didn't mean to piss me off, but he still did. How would you fuckin' feel?" She stood up from the floor, looking at her defensively. "I'm sick of tryin' to walk that path of redemption when it's so much easier to just be what I really am. I'm sick of tryin' to be the good slayer. Tryin' to fill B's shoes. It ain't never gonna happen."
Dora watched Faith as she stood up from the floor. Never breaking eye contact, she said simply, "Then stop trying."
Faith looked at her, completely shocked. "Maybe I will." She stated defiantly. "You sure you know what that means? I stop tryin' and I go back to bein' what I was. You think you can handle that?"
Dora smiled a bit. "I'm just curious as to why, in your mind, not trying to be Buffy automatically means going back to what you were."
"You tryin' to shrink me Hollywood? I ain't sayin' I'm tryin' to be B. I'm sayin' everyone expects me to be like her. They always have. But I ain't never gonna be."
"Has anyone stated, point blank, that they want you to be like her? That they expect that of you? Or is that just your own perception? Because for someone who accuses another person of trying to shrink you, you seem to make the same kinds of assumptions about what other people think."
Faith looked confused. "It is what it is yo." She shrugged again, unhappy that the conversation was turning into yet another argument. "You ain't been there. You don't know what it's been like. How they've all looked at me. Judged me. And yeah, every fuckin' where I went in SunnyD someone was always tellin' me I oughta be more like B."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there. And I'm sorry that you think I had to be in order to understand."
"I'm hearin' an awful lot of 'I'm sorrys' there. Why you always sayin' you're sorry?"
Dora sat back down on the bed. "Because I don't know what else to say. It's a very convenient phrase, especially when you mean it." She shook her head, looking down at the floor. "You don't know how much I want to be able to say the right thing to you. Hoping that I'll find the magical combination of words that will make everything okay. And just...the basic fact that the state of 'okay' is the best thing that I can hope for."
Faith stood, looking at Dora with her hands in her backpockets. "Right now, with the way things are, okay's the best you're gonna get. Gotta learn to deal with that Hollywood. You ain't never gonna find no magical combination. You oughta just leave the magic to the ones who actually know how to do the mojo."
"There is no 'okay'. That's the point. There's not going to be for a very long time, and even then...It would be so much easier not to even care. But with everything going on, there isn't much point to it. Nothing's been close to easy so far, why stop now?" She stood up again. "And I don't know why I keep trying, either. Anything I say, you'll just have some other defensive thing to say in argument against it. You say you don't want to fight...who's fighting? I'm not. I accept everything that you have to say, good or bad."
"Ain't nobody makin' you stay here. Sure as fuck ain't nobody makin' you try. You do that all by yourself." She stood in front of Dora, looking at her intently, a slight look of anger on her face. "Why do you do that? Why you gotta be all supportive and accepting or whatever?" Faith frowned. Even after all this time, it unnerved her. She knew she didn't deserve it.
Dora shrugged slightly, never raising her voice; instead, it remained as calm and steady as ever. "Why does it bother you?"
Faith continued to frown. "It just does." She turned away from her, crossing her arms over her chest. It bothered her because she didn't want someone to forgive her so easily. It made her suspicious. It made her comfortable. And comfort made her weak. At least in her mind it did.
Dora took a step closer to Faith as she spoke more softly. "Do you not want me to be?" Before she could move away, she wrapped her arms around Faith's waist. "I just want to be close to you again. I don't care what either of us has to do. I just want it. You can do whatever you want, whatever you have to. Just please don't push me away."
Faith closed her eyes as she felt Dora's arms slip around her waist. This wasn't fair. She took a deep breath, trying not to give in to her emotions. She turned around, the girl's arms still around her. Reaching out, she brushed a stray hair behind Dora's ear and her scowl was replaced by a small grin. Her eyes searched the ones looking back at her. She wanted to just give in, to let herself stop putting those walls up. But she couldn't. Not right now. "Look Hollywood, I just need time. It's just how it is. I got a lot goin' on in my head and I'm better off bein' by myself while I figure it out."
Dora pulled away, slightly disappointed. "Yeah." She nodded. "But...is there any chance that....this being alone could maybe go on in my presence? I can be really quiet, you won't even know I'm here."
She grinned, shaking her head. The tense mood had lightened. Her anger had faded as she stood there looking into the hopeful eyes staring back at her. "We'll see. But you...bein' quiet? Somehow I just ain't seein' that."
Dora grinned back. "I can so be quiet. I just never had reason to before."