shaved heads, self-diagnosis, perdita x. dream
I figure that, provided it's not damaging anyone else, everybody has the right to decide who and what they are. Most people don't seem to agree with me. "But people can't just go around calling themselves whatever they want!" they'll cry. "Especially if they're saying they're things I can tell they obviously aren't. Sarah claims she's bisexual, but she's only ever been in long-term relationships with men. It's obvious she just says it 'cause it intrigues guys. And where does Jane Brown get off, trying to make us call her 'Moon Java?' How fucking pretentious! We all know that's not her real name. That isn't anybody's real name. And Blake keeps trying to tell me he has ADHD, but he doesn't have an official diagnosis and he isn't on any medication and I'm pretty sure ADHD is just a scam cooked up by pharmaceutical companies to drug bratty third-graders. Noah wants me to think he's part of the same social movement as I am, but he hasn't been involved with it for as long as I have and he doesn't agree with me on a few minor political points, so clearly, he's a superficial poser."
To that, I'd reply, "Well...only Sarah can know for sure who she is and isn't attracted to. Maybe she's mostly attracted to men, but is sometimes attracted to women. Maybe she has sex with both men and women, but only gets romantically involved with the men. Maybe she just has worse luck with women. Maybe you don't know about every relationship she's ever been in. There's no one definitive way to be bisexual, beyond the criterion of having some attraction to both men and women, and your knowledge of Sarah is incomplete. By imposing your own notions of Sarah's identity on Sarah, you're effectively saying that you know who she is more than she knows who she is, and that's a really arrogant and hurtful assumption to make.
"It's the same with Blake. Believe it or not, having one of these alphabet soup diagnoses isn't usually a picnic. They definitely don't make most people like you more or treat you better. Most people who have or suspect that they have something listed in the DSM are very aware that there's social and medical stigma attached to their conditions. I've never known anyone to self-diagnose purely as a lark-- even if the self-diagnosis turns out to be 'wrong,' the fact that the person in question felt the need for a label of mental pathology in the first place indicates a pretty high level of alienation from other people's apparent mindsets and/or significant struggles with "normal, everyday" expectations at home, school, or work. Blake's probably done a lot of research, and he probably feels that it explains a lot about him and some of his difficulties navigating the world. Maybe he can't see a shrink; even if he can, he isn't obligated to do so, and his brain will work however it works whether he has certain paperwork or not, and he'll find ways of explaining how it works that he thinks are useful, and close to the truth, and helpful in getting other people to at least sorta understand. No use trying to get him to stop.
"And if Jane Brown wants to be called 'Moon Java,' call her Moon Java. Yeah, it's silly-sounding to us, but maybe choosing her own name is important to her. Maybe it's a step away from an identity she badly wants to leave behind, a past she wants to forget, a step away from passively allowing teachers or parents or doctors or bosses or peers to shape her to fit whatever sort of mold they think is best for her. Sometimes things that seem goofy or superficial can actually be tremendously empowering, this first small step towards knowing who you are, or towards not hating who you are. When I started cutting my own hair and dyeing it unnatural colors, or shaving my head entirely, it was like that. Since I was a fourteen or fifteen-year-old student at an alternative high school, most people didn't think it was anything other than youthful pseudo-rebellious posturing, but I liked-- and had made a truly independent decision about-- the way I looked for the first time in my life. I felt tougher and more confident.
"Even if Ms. Java is just posturing, well, where's the harm in that? We all try to make ourselves seem better, cooler, funnier, smarter, prettier, more intriguing, more worldly than we feel we truly are, inside. Some people just pull it off with a lot more panache and charisma than others.
"You can't know what anyone else is thinking. You can't singlehandedly control their self-presentations, and I bet you have way better things to spend energy on than that sort of policing, anyway. Remember, you aren't the world's arbiter of morality, or genuineness, or good taste.
"Remember, everyone is a beginner at some point; everyone is young at some point. Everyone is embarrassed by some of the things they used to do, though they aren't always the things you might expect. Everyone changes.
"Me. I've changed a lot. And you."