chart your depression
ennui likes to creep into the spaces you leave unguarded: in the car when you're driving along to a rightly matched song, alone, in your bed, when your eyes burst open from minute sleep. you ride these waves out, find distractions.
today, i'm going to work on my relationship, internet diary. happy to say that despite its instability, an equilibrium that can only be expected from two fuck-ups like us, it's holding much better than any future individual impact on the part of me, my capabilities, and my experiences. after, or perhaps concurrent to working on that, i will keep telling myself to kick my gag reflex in the gut, there's spark in mediocrity. sure, it's the sad kind at first, but it picks up from there and maybe, eventually, turns into the kind that you crinkle your mouth into a half-smile for.
i'm not saying this because i've given up. i'm saying this to soften the blow of all the failures that will meet me every time i try again. and when i do try again, i'll see if it changes.
that prospect, for now, is enough.
today, i'm going to work on my relationship, internet diary. happy to say that despite its instability, an equilibrium that can only be expected from two fuck-ups like us, it's holding much better than any future individual impact on the part of me, my capabilities, and my experiences. after, or perhaps concurrent to working on that, i will keep telling myself to kick my gag reflex in the gut, there's spark in mediocrity. sure, it's the sad kind at first, but it picks up from there and maybe, eventually, turns into the kind that you crinkle your mouth into a half-smile for.
i'm not saying this because i've given up. i'm saying this to soften the blow of all the failures that will meet me every time i try again. and when i do try again, i'll see if it changes.
that prospect, for now, is enough.