(no subject)
I just can't take it anymore. Today was the worst day of my life by far.. or maybe it just feels like it. I just feel like its all been crashing down for a while now and I am just fucking done with everything.
I have been having problems with everyone and anyone and i just don't have it in me to solve anything anymore.
School will give me loans and grants IF im full time, but the only way I can be full time is if I pay for half of it out of my pocket.. which it is way more than I could ever afford so there goes the temple teaching program. goodbye dreams of teaching. so glad I wasted all this time in school for life to shit all over me.
My job, my home situation everything is just shit. I am tired of crying all day everyday.. i don't want people to feel sorry for me.. i just fucking have to write cuz i can't hold it in anymore. i see no point in waking up in the morning. i see no point in anything.
Several apon several of my friends have been upset because i don't have time to spend with them. i just don't want to go out. I don't have it in me to put on a smile and pretend i anymore. i don't want to see anyone. not even my boyfriend. he comes over all the time and i just tell him to leave me be because i am just don't even want to speak to other people anymore. my parents.. thank god for them but i can't live here with them anymore.
Haven't showered in days, eaten in days.. i am just OVER IT. I can't try anymore. i don't wanna get dressed in the morning. i am done trying to explain to people whats wrong.. i am done trying to get my parents to understand. my father seems to think mental illness is a joke.
Today at work i just cried all day. i got in my car for lunch and just drove away with no where to go. i couldn't do it. i couldn't be there, i couldn't breathe or think. i am just sick to my stomach with everything. My life is no where where it should be. i have accomplish jack fucking shit. and please don't comment me with my accomplishments cuz i know they are fucking doing nothing to get me anywhere.
I freaked out, my dad is pissed slamming doors screaming at me for leaving work while my mom is on the phone all day trying to contact doctors while she is trying to work. i just feel more like shit disappointing them, incoveincing them, living in there house at all and being a burden to them.
My mom persists on the idea of me seeing her family doctor and i refuse because its not a therapist, its a damn family doctor but she says she went there for mental health before.
This CUNT that i went to see made me wanna stab her in the face. I have never felt more low about myself than i did after speaking to this woman. She has no basis for diagnosing me. I wrote down on the paper "what are you hear for?" I wrote: Depression, Bi polar, ocd, adhd.. blah blah blah and she reads this- and decides to see me.. but then decides to ask me a bunch or retarded questions and i know what kind of questioning i should receive because i have been in therapy my whole life.. she just basically takes my word for everything without any psychological evaluation and tells me she doesn't treat depression but shes taking my fucking 60 bucks, which i feel even worse about since its my parents.. WHAT THE FUCK. she then talks to my mom on the phone like im a three year old and says that i probably couldn't get any drugs because i am sooo overweight even though thats a complete fucking retarded thing to say since plenty of depressed people are fat.. but she never once asked me about my weight issues at all before saying it.. i mean i know its obvious but when someone comes in for depression why the fuck would you say that??
then she says to me that if i spent LESS MONEY ON TATTOOS AND DRUGS i could afford mental health couseling when i told the woman i haven't used drugs ANY DRUGS in years.. which is obvioulsy a lie but she doens't know that.. where the fuck does she get off? she says that shit to my mom on the phone!!!! the only reason i let her call my parents is because i said i worked for my father and he didn't seem to think mental health was important because she was asking why i didn't have insurance through him.. but she was totally out of line.. WHEN THE FUCK WAS THE LAST TIME I GOT A TATTOO.. did she even ask?? what the fuck, im so heated even thinking about it. now my mom thinks i hate her.. my dad is fucking pissed because he wasted sixty bucks on that shit.. and i have never felt so low.
I left my cellphone charger at danielles and im fucking shit out of luck on getting out of here. but there is nothing i want more than to just hide.. i want to curl up in a ball and die. look i know im acting like a thirteen year old. i know i need to grow up and get on with my fucking life and tears do nothing and sweat is what makes change blah blah blah but i just don't have the will to wake up in the morning and no one takes me seriously..
my father is gonna want me at work promptly at 7 am like nothing happened.. like this half day should have cured me.. but i just want to get on a plane and never come back.
when will it all come together? why would that fucking lady have the nerve to take my check and do nothing for me? saying the most horrible things a person could say to you. judging me soley based on my tattoos and weight. i was barely speaking i was lethargic and mumbling.. i wasn't loud or crazy or rude.. i was just sad. and she seen it and she took every stab at me she could. It took every ounce of me not to spit in her fucking face which apparently to her is alot of ounces.. im just fucking sick of it all.. sick
I have been having problems with everyone and anyone and i just don't have it in me to solve anything anymore.
School will give me loans and grants IF im full time, but the only way I can be full time is if I pay for half of it out of my pocket.. which it is way more than I could ever afford so there goes the temple teaching program. goodbye dreams of teaching. so glad I wasted all this time in school for life to shit all over me.
My job, my home situation everything is just shit. I am tired of crying all day everyday.. i don't want people to feel sorry for me.. i just fucking have to write cuz i can't hold it in anymore. i see no point in waking up in the morning. i see no point in anything.
Several apon several of my friends have been upset because i don't have time to spend with them. i just don't want to go out. I don't have it in me to put on a smile and pretend i anymore. i don't want to see anyone. not even my boyfriend. he comes over all the time and i just tell him to leave me be because i am just don't even want to speak to other people anymore. my parents.. thank god for them but i can't live here with them anymore.
Haven't showered in days, eaten in days.. i am just OVER IT. I can't try anymore. i don't wanna get dressed in the morning. i am done trying to explain to people whats wrong.. i am done trying to get my parents to understand. my father seems to think mental illness is a joke.
Today at work i just cried all day. i got in my car for lunch and just drove away with no where to go. i couldn't do it. i couldn't be there, i couldn't breathe or think. i am just sick to my stomach with everything. My life is no where where it should be. i have accomplish jack fucking shit. and please don't comment me with my accomplishments cuz i know they are fucking doing nothing to get me anywhere.
I freaked out, my dad is pissed slamming doors screaming at me for leaving work while my mom is on the phone all day trying to contact doctors while she is trying to work. i just feel more like shit disappointing them, incoveincing them, living in there house at all and being a burden to them.
My mom persists on the idea of me seeing her family doctor and i refuse because its not a therapist, its a damn family doctor but she says she went there for mental health before.
This CUNT that i went to see made me wanna stab her in the face. I have never felt more low about myself than i did after speaking to this woman. She has no basis for diagnosing me. I wrote down on the paper "what are you hear for?" I wrote: Depression, Bi polar, ocd, adhd.. blah blah blah and she reads this- and decides to see me.. but then decides to ask me a bunch or retarded questions and i know what kind of questioning i should receive because i have been in therapy my whole life.. she just basically takes my word for everything without any psychological evaluation and tells me she doesn't treat depression but shes taking my fucking 60 bucks, which i feel even worse about since its my parents.. WHAT THE FUCK. she then talks to my mom on the phone like im a three year old and says that i probably couldn't get any drugs because i am sooo overweight even though thats a complete fucking retarded thing to say since plenty of depressed people are fat.. but she never once asked me about my weight issues at all before saying it.. i mean i know its obvious but when someone comes in for depression why the fuck would you say that??
then she says to me that if i spent LESS MONEY ON TATTOOS AND DRUGS i could afford mental health couseling when i told the woman i haven't used drugs ANY DRUGS in years.. which is obvioulsy a lie but she doens't know that.. where the fuck does she get off? she says that shit to my mom on the phone!!!! the only reason i let her call my parents is because i said i worked for my father and he didn't seem to think mental health was important because she was asking why i didn't have insurance through him.. but she was totally out of line.. WHEN THE FUCK WAS THE LAST TIME I GOT A TATTOO.. did she even ask?? what the fuck, im so heated even thinking about it. now my mom thinks i hate her.. my dad is fucking pissed because he wasted sixty bucks on that shit.. and i have never felt so low.
I left my cellphone charger at danielles and im fucking shit out of luck on getting out of here. but there is nothing i want more than to just hide.. i want to curl up in a ball and die. look i know im acting like a thirteen year old. i know i need to grow up and get on with my fucking life and tears do nothing and sweat is what makes change blah blah blah but i just don't have the will to wake up in the morning and no one takes me seriously..
my father is gonna want me at work promptly at 7 am like nothing happened.. like this half day should have cured me.. but i just want to get on a plane and never come back.
when will it all come together? why would that fucking lady have the nerve to take my check and do nothing for me? saying the most horrible things a person could say to you. judging me soley based on my tattoos and weight. i was barely speaking i was lethargic and mumbling.. i wasn't loud or crazy or rude.. i was just sad. and she seen it and she took every stab at me she could. It took every ounce of me not to spit in her fucking face which apparently to her is alot of ounces.. im just fucking sick of it all.. sick