To Learn - Part III - Final
Title: To Learn
Pairing: Ichigo x Ishida
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ichigo finds an intellectual way to get closer to Ishida. Ishida doesn't get it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or its characters, nor do I make any money from these endeavors.
Thank you to everyone who has read, and to everyone who has commented. I don't reply to all of them but that doesn't mean they aren't read and enjoyed. :)
Writing something "short" for once has been... refreshing.
Special thanks to my beta, bundamba !
Part I
Part II
Part III
I might, if hard pressed, admit that I am somewhat emotionally underdeveloped. ...No, I take that back. I don't believe I'd ever admit that to anyone but myself, and doing that took long enough. Long enough to see that too much emotional contact is a recipe for disaster. Long enough to see that a dearth of it can wither the human soul.
And there I am stuck. Or I was-- without my permission I found myself drawn from my aloofness into a circle of people with too much emotion...and too much red hair.
It's not that I don't feel. It's more like each feeling is an uncomfortable prick of surprise. I used to know how to react; with a cold and calculated statement designed to make others leave. However, none of my new friends have reacted normally, and I cannot tell what I will do until it happens. I hate spontaneity. In feelings I am so far behind.
I never really thought the stupid Shinigami could teach me anything; I thought he was too incompetent to teach anything but how to hit things hard. Yet looking back he taught me about social functioning without making it obvious at all. Without having to ask, and after having antagonized him and endangered those things he holds dear, I was still enveloped in his social circle.
I could mistake it as Kurosaki's feelings for me, however I believe he did it simply because he's Kurosaki, and maybe that is something he should teach others to be.
When Kurosaki promised that everything would be fine that next day, he was certainly correct. Things were absolutely fine. And sterile. Polite hellos and goodbyes; formal how are you doing? And I’m good, thank you. It was stagnant and awful and I should have expected it. If I were Kurosaki I would want as much distance as possible, to get over it. Yet I had asked, almost demanded that things remain the same; an impossibility.
Well, Kurosaki isn't that good of a liar, but here he is, trying because I asked. Is it for me, or is it because he's Ichigo?
I think...for me. Because he can be amazingly selfless, but not like this. He's hurting himself for me. So maybe this half-hearted attempt at normalcy is the best a wounded heart can do.
I am horrible. I need more than normal; I demand it.
~
Ichigo and Chad sat together on the riverbank. They'd already been there for quite some time, enjoying each other's company in silence. It was clear from the beginning, however, that there was something they needed to talk about.
"What happened?" Sado asked simply. Ichigo scowled at him before turning his gaze straight ahead.
"Ishida, he... I haven't been able to stop..." he struggled for the words, and looked at Chad for confirmation.
"I know," he replied. Ichigo sighed heavily at that, but didn't look surprised. If anything his expression was unusually vulnerable.
"...I kissed him," the Shinigami said, looking away from his friend again. He knew deep down that Chad wouldn't reject him for it, but he couldn't help his shame. The act was not only embarrassing by itself, but also stupid.
"I don't think less of you, Ichigo. You're just the same," Sado told him after a moment of thought.
"Thanks Chad," Kurosaki said quietly. "But it was stupid. Who kisses first before talkin' about anything?"
"Ishida seems to be taking it rather well," he observed.
"He wanted things to stay the same. We talked about it after. ...But how the hell can things be the same? He knows, and I know he doesn't care!"
"How...do you know?" Chad asked slowly.
"Huh?" Ichigo was confused.
"Did you ask?" Sado questioned him.
"...No, Ishida was askin' the questions," he replied cautiously. Asking, tch. Wasn’t not kissing back answer enough? …But didn’t I just say kissin’ first without talkin’ about it was a bad idea? Maybe springing that on him…
"He hasn't rejected you outright. He reached out to you." Ichigo stared at Chad. The giant teen sighed heavily, and looked off into the distance for a moment before looking back at his redheaded friend. "...He watches you too, y'know," Sado informed him. Ichigo looked dumbstruck, then insecure. Chad remained silent.
“…Hope almost hurts more,” Ichigo said finally.
“I know,” Chad rumbled.
~
Kurosaki had been gone from school for a little under an hour. During that time, Ishida had sensed four Hollows; Hollows that Ichigo seemed to take his sweet time in killing. After another twenty minutes passed and the redhead had not returned, Uryuu made his excuses to the teacher and left. Only Chad watched him leave, and his stare was unnerving. Ishida pretended not to notice.
Once the Quincy was close to the Shinigami he realized why so many Hollows had appeared. Kurosaki’s reiatsu was wilder than usual, flaring every which way with no control. Uryuu approached him.
“Do you want someone to die?” Ishida asked coldly. The redhead whirled to face him, anger and distress written on his face. “This is dangerous. For you and everyone else.”
“I’m not doin’ this on purpose,” he said with restraint while his reiatsu whipped violently through the air. Ishida stepped closer.
“You’re being selfish,” he said bitingly with no remorse. …I don’t know where this animosity is coming from. I know Kurosaki can hardly control his power.
“I’m being selfish?” Kurosaki didn’t look like he understood.
“Aren’t you the one always preaching about protecting your friends? This is a poor way to go about doing it.” I can’t stop provoking him. What’s wrong with me?
“What the hell Ishida?!”
“Exercise some control and do what you need to do!” Uryuu criticized. Kurosaki snapped. He grabbed Ishida by the front of his shirt and threw him to the ground. The Quincy stared up at him in shock.
“When is enough, enough?!” Ichigo cried. “How can you expect anything more from me, you bastard?!” Uryuu realized what he had made the conversation about. The redhead grimaced as he looked down at Ishida before roughly hauling the Quincy to his feet. “You’re cruel. Following me around like this…” Ishida’s heartbeat quickened. “Demanding I pretend?!”
“I want things to…” Why am I terrified? I’m never scared.
“Things will never be the same! I made sure of that! You of all people should have realized that the moment I touched your face,” Kurosaki said bitterly. Ishida stared at him, unable to think of what to say. He couldn’t untangle the web of what he was feeling. “…Do you watch me?” Ichigo asked unexpectedly. The Quincy’s eyes widened.
“I…of course not,” he stammered. No, he had never kept watching after Kurosaki had looked away. He had never arrived to dispatch a Hollow only to watch the fool do it instead. He had never thought of others with scorn when they fawned over the redhead.
Except he had done all of those things. No…I don’t watch him the same way. It doesn’t mean the same thing.
“…You do,” the Shinigami ventured quietly. It doesn’t mean the same thing. “You do. What does it mean?” he pressed. It doesn’t mean the same thing. It doesn’t…
“Ichigo, it doesn’t mean…” Ishida stopped, and his heart nearly did too. The redhead stared. Does it mean the same thing?
“Was that on purpose?” the Shinigami asked quietly. It could. It could mean the same thing. “Ishida,” Kurosaki breathed. “Do you give a damn?” There’s only one way to find out.
Uryuu pulled Ichigo close and kissed him.
I suppose this is my own fault, him liking me and then trying something like this.
And finding out I like it.
~
“Ishida?” Kurosaki ventured, staring at the wall. They sat next to each other on the dark-haired teen’s couch, hands barely touching.
“Yes?” The Quincy asked, moving his hand over Ichigo’s almost shyly. It had been like this for a week. Careful touches and occasionally passionate kisses in private, each unsure of how far the other wanted to go.
“When we’re alone, can I call you Uryuu?” Ichigo turned to look at his partner and friend, serious and finally without doubt or anger. Ishida blinked, and then smirked and adjusted his glasses.
“You can call me that in public too, stupid,” he offered with a hint of arrogance, and Kurosaki smiled in response. Ishida felt his cheeks color and his heart do a little flip. The last time he remembered the redhead smiling was while he slept, and this felt much better to see. “And…” Uryuu started, “ I’ll call you Ichigo.”
“In public?” Kurosaki asked skeptically, grinning.
“In public,” Ishida confirmed, and punched his arm lightly.
“Can I do this to you in public too?” Ichigo leaned over and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. The Quincy swallowed, thinking over what that would mean. It would mean a different kind of life. Does different mean bad?…Not necessarily.
“…Yes,” Ishida answered after a moment’s thought. Ichigo’s hand clasped Uryuu’s.
“What about this?” The redhead kissed him more deeply, surging against the Quincy’s lips.
“Yes,” he answered again with a little less hesitation. Grinning, Ichigo moved to straddle Ishida’s lap, and kissed him languorously, tongue slowly sliding into Uryuu’s mouth. The dark-haired teen made a small noise in the back of his throat and pulled Kurosaki closer. The Shinigami moved seamlessly from his boyfriend’s lips to plant careful kisses on his jaw and neck. Ishida could feel his blush extending all the way down to his shoulders, so he grabbed Ichigo’s arms and gently pushed him back. “No, you may not do this to me in public,” he scolded. Kurosaki just laughed.
“I have to check,” he said devilishly, and dove down to kiss the base of Uryuu’s throat while his hands slid sensuously down the slim boy’s hips.
“None of this in public. None of this in public!” He gasped.
“If this is your version of ‘stop’ you need to be more specific,” Kurosaki said and pulled away with a scowl.
“Keep going!” The Quincy said with irritation.
“Gotcha, Queenie,” Ichigo taunted.
“…Off.”
~
Our tutoring sessions continued, but both our grades began to drop again. It was probably due to the fact that at least half of our time usually devolved into kissing and learning about each other rather than school subjects. Once I realized this, Tuesdays and Thursdays became strictly “no touching” until our studies were complete. Ichigo became an even more dedicated student after that, I’m proud to say.
I was…disappointed…at the lack of surprise from our friends. They seemed to have already suspected something or didn’t care. Except Renji. Renji flipped his lid a bit. When we told him, it seems he thought it was a joke until he saw Kurosaki kiss me later, and not in a chaste manner. A swift kick in the ass from Ichigo was enough to bring him back to his senses.
Ichigo, bless the bastard; he is still the same as he ever was. And I? I have changed, for the better I think.
I suppose all of it happened because of the tutoring. With a simple gesture towards Kurosaki I set out on an irreversible path. I don’t know exactly where I’m going anymore, not everything is planned, and it doesn’t bother me. Because of him, and he certainly isn’t done yet.
I did not know how much there was to learn until I began to teach.