New days, new lives
"I stopped by the bar at 3 AM
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity"
Well, those lyrics aren't quite true for me. To start with, I didn't stop by a bar - I stopped in my kitchen last night long enough to grab that bottle of wine. I don't know that I was seeking solace from that bottle - I was seeking my center. And clarity. And I had a friend - Sarah - on the phone with me who assured me that dropping my cell phone in the bath would not electrocute me. I had a very small headache this morning that disappeared as soon as I ate some food, and I wasn't at all cloudy. I woke up with a clear mind and heart. And what has always happened, happened again. I said "Look, this is life. And you're going to have to figure out how to deal with it and stop being such a drama queen and stop freaking out. Because there are going to be new things and strange things, and you're not going to know what's happening, and you're going to have to accept that the not knowing is part of knowing." So I thanked the empty bottle, ate some breakfast, and my phone rang, giving me the clarity I had been searching for.
Basically, I don't know how to be patient. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to do real world relationships. And Maria says that this is all good for me, that I'm having to work for something I want, rather than having the guy just fall in my lap, and that I'm building character. (I'd like to state the obvious that I have enough character for a day-time soap opera.) And since I don't know what I'm doing, I'm afraid of screwing up one way or the other. And it's feeling very hard for me to be balanced. But I'm trying. And I'm getting there. And, apparently, I have learned to be coy. Coy seems to equal not being readily available and not calling when you want to. Which I think I won't be any more because it's just not who I am and I got my validation that yeah, I matter and yeah, he misses me if I'm not around.
In any case...that was a terribly vague paragraph. But I"m sure most of you can read through it to the important stuff and realize that maybe I'm not really wanting to be factual just now. But this week - this week, I felt useless. Job-wise, school-wise. I feel like I am failing to live up to my maximum input. Today, I wrote a paper. It was an awful paper. Astoundingly terrible. Suzy would have just sighed and handed it back, rather than editing it. I was actually ashamed to turn it in. But it was also a week late (I hadn't known it was due), so I had to turn it in. Halfway through the class, after we'd been doing some group work, the professor handed it back to me. And I got a perfect A, 10 out of 10, with a lovely note about how it was so focused and well-written and really proved my understanding of the assignment. It was not focused - it was scattered. I don't think it had a point, and I'm not sure I actually fulfilled the assignment. I seriously wanted to give it back and say, "Please, give me an F. That's what I deserve and I'd rather have that than this." Come on, man - give me something to work up to. The teacher I had the most respect for ever was Miss Plumer because she handed back my first paper to me and said, "How about you quit messing around and write the way we both know you're capable of?" And I did.
After that, I left class early, to go see my Fireside boys playing at the coffee house. It was a good show - not as clean or focused as some of their others, but I was happy to be there and really in a dancing-about-in-my-seat mood. I wish they'd play some outside venues so I could dance around. Maybe in the summer. But the evening was filled with very long hugs, flirting, and friendly banter. At the end of it, Brandon walked me to my car, giving me his arm to hold (so freakin' cute!) and cuddling against the sharp wind. When we got there, he held me in a long hug and said, "Look, I'm sorry that I was so distant this week. I just feel like I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off, but it was rude and I feel bad." And really, he had apologized enough at that point and I hadn't called him either - mostly because I didn't want to interrupt and be high maintenance and also because I was so confuddled about the signals I was getting. And when I said basically that (minus the high maintenance and confusion about signals), he said, "No, call next time, always call, if you don't call then you won't know if you're interrupting." And I said I understood - because I do, it's just that my naive brain needs to get a grip on real world relationships. And then he leaned in and kissed me - but it was a very quick kiss, just a peck on the lips. But I read that kiss - I think I'm good at reading kisses. And how I read it was, "I like you. But to be honest, I'm fucking freezing out here because it's below zero and the wind is so strong. And also, my friend is parked a few cars away from here and may be watching. Plus, we're not really dating yet, so I don't know how to kiss you or what the proper etiquette is. But I'll give you this because I want us both to know that I want to kiss you." Yeah, maybe I'm reading a lot into that...but I think kisses are like that. They say an awful lot. Especially because he's never kissed me before when we've said goodbye in public.
So for me, tonight was grand. Tonight was more than enough. I'm happy. I'm satisfied. And apparently, my professor was sad that I missed part of class and kept saying things like, "Hester would appreciate this." Awesome. Right now, it's just me and the kittens in bed, listening to the new Fireside Symphony CD I got at the show. Funny thing that only I will be amused by - so, Fireside Symphony is obviously Brandon's group. And tonight, at the coffee house, they had a fire going in the fireplace. So it was literally a Fireside Symphony. Well, I think it's funny - and the boys did too. And I think I got a good poem out of tonight...which reminds me, I wanted to read some old entries. So good night all.
And can I just say, I'm kind of shocked at the lack of comments to my drunk entry...usually, people are all over drunk entries! What the crap?
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity"
Well, those lyrics aren't quite true for me. To start with, I didn't stop by a bar - I stopped in my kitchen last night long enough to grab that bottle of wine. I don't know that I was seeking solace from that bottle - I was seeking my center. And clarity. And I had a friend - Sarah - on the phone with me who assured me that dropping my cell phone in the bath would not electrocute me. I had a very small headache this morning that disappeared as soon as I ate some food, and I wasn't at all cloudy. I woke up with a clear mind and heart. And what has always happened, happened again. I said "Look, this is life. And you're going to have to figure out how to deal with it and stop being such a drama queen and stop freaking out. Because there are going to be new things and strange things, and you're not going to know what's happening, and you're going to have to accept that the not knowing is part of knowing." So I thanked the empty bottle, ate some breakfast, and my phone rang, giving me the clarity I had been searching for.
Basically, I don't know how to be patient. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to do real world relationships. And Maria says that this is all good for me, that I'm having to work for something I want, rather than having the guy just fall in my lap, and that I'm building character. (I'd like to state the obvious that I have enough character for a day-time soap opera.) And since I don't know what I'm doing, I'm afraid of screwing up one way or the other. And it's feeling very hard for me to be balanced. But I'm trying. And I'm getting there. And, apparently, I have learned to be coy. Coy seems to equal not being readily available and not calling when you want to. Which I think I won't be any more because it's just not who I am and I got my validation that yeah, I matter and yeah, he misses me if I'm not around.
In any case...that was a terribly vague paragraph. But I"m sure most of you can read through it to the important stuff and realize that maybe I'm not really wanting to be factual just now. But this week - this week, I felt useless. Job-wise, school-wise. I feel like I am failing to live up to my maximum input. Today, I wrote a paper. It was an awful paper. Astoundingly terrible. Suzy would have just sighed and handed it back, rather than editing it. I was actually ashamed to turn it in. But it was also a week late (I hadn't known it was due), so I had to turn it in. Halfway through the class, after we'd been doing some group work, the professor handed it back to me. And I got a perfect A, 10 out of 10, with a lovely note about how it was so focused and well-written and really proved my understanding of the assignment. It was not focused - it was scattered. I don't think it had a point, and I'm not sure I actually fulfilled the assignment. I seriously wanted to give it back and say, "Please, give me an F. That's what I deserve and I'd rather have that than this." Come on, man - give me something to work up to. The teacher I had the most respect for ever was Miss Plumer because she handed back my first paper to me and said, "How about you quit messing around and write the way we both know you're capable of?" And I did.
After that, I left class early, to go see my Fireside boys playing at the coffee house. It was a good show - not as clean or focused as some of their others, but I was happy to be there and really in a dancing-about-in-my-seat mood. I wish they'd play some outside venues so I could dance around. Maybe in the summer. But the evening was filled with very long hugs, flirting, and friendly banter. At the end of it, Brandon walked me to my car, giving me his arm to hold (so freakin' cute!) and cuddling against the sharp wind. When we got there, he held me in a long hug and said, "Look, I'm sorry that I was so distant this week. I just feel like I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off, but it was rude and I feel bad." And really, he had apologized enough at that point and I hadn't called him either - mostly because I didn't want to interrupt and be high maintenance and also because I was so confuddled about the signals I was getting. And when I said basically that (minus the high maintenance and confusion about signals), he said, "No, call next time, always call, if you don't call then you won't know if you're interrupting." And I said I understood - because I do, it's just that my naive brain needs to get a grip on real world relationships. And then he leaned in and kissed me - but it was a very quick kiss, just a peck on the lips. But I read that kiss - I think I'm good at reading kisses. And how I read it was, "I like you. But to be honest, I'm fucking freezing out here because it's below zero and the wind is so strong. And also, my friend is parked a few cars away from here and may be watching. Plus, we're not really dating yet, so I don't know how to kiss you or what the proper etiquette is. But I'll give you this because I want us both to know that I want to kiss you." Yeah, maybe I'm reading a lot into that...but I think kisses are like that. They say an awful lot. Especially because he's never kissed me before when we've said goodbye in public.
So for me, tonight was grand. Tonight was more than enough. I'm happy. I'm satisfied. And apparently, my professor was sad that I missed part of class and kept saying things like, "Hester would appreciate this." Awesome. Right now, it's just me and the kittens in bed, listening to the new Fireside Symphony CD I got at the show. Funny thing that only I will be amused by - so, Fireside Symphony is obviously Brandon's group. And tonight, at the coffee house, they had a fire going in the fireplace. So it was literally a Fireside Symphony. Well, I think it's funny - and the boys did too. And I think I got a good poem out of tonight...which reminds me, I wanted to read some old entries. So good night all.
And can I just say, I'm kind of shocked at the lack of comments to my drunk entry...usually, people are all over drunk entries! What the crap?