i've been wondering, you've been breathing.
"lets make believe,
what's at stake here,
is more than a reputation."
nobody's going to read this, but as long as i post it for myself, i'm alright.
i watched boy meets world tonight, at 2am. it's a nightly thing for me to do nowadays. that show has always been one of my favorites, but now that i'm older i'm looking more into it &it's messages behind the show. tonight's episode was when corey met a new girl, lauren, up a ski-lodge. he had an amazing time &went on a date with her, while dating tapanga lawrence. also, eric taught a class of foreigners hoping to become american citizens.
what an amazing episode that got to me thinking more than i ever have before.
today in english class we talked about our american image. our morals &humanity. if we'd stick close to those images &morals if millions, thousands, or just one other life was at stake. would you torture a person to get answers out, just for one other person's safety? we, as a country, frown upon torture [even if it may happen more than you know]. yet, would you go to these limits to save someone close to you? or somebody not close to you at all? question yourself &your thoughts.
eric taught a class "that each of us are like a card in a deck. some of us are red, some of us are black. but without that one card, we're not complete." some of us are red, black, kings, queens, 6's or 7's. but, we all represent something different &when we all come together, we're complete. america is so beautiful. our options are endless &our diversity is what keeps us "the melting pot" of the world.
i want to go out. i want to find out who i am. i want to see all the sites, learn things new about myself. i want to experience! i want to be me. for once in my life, i am proud to say i am ryan lee gardner. i am 18 years old, i live with my mother &i go to school. there's so much more to me that none of you know. &sometimes, i think it's sad how judgemental &opinionated we are on each other. so many people are quick to judge, even myself. this needs to change.
corey goes out on a date with a girl he just met. he has fun &him &shawn do a contest. each jelly bean goes to a girl with the better personality, more fun &the more "raw raw's." yet, corey in the end says, "i can live without lauren. i can't live without tapanga. it's no contest." i've never felt so alone, yet wanted at any moment. as much as i'd love to devote myself to one person. show them everything i can be &everything i have to offer, it's my friends i'd never be able to live without. i can honestly say, there are a select few people i'd take a bullet for. that i'd break down &never want to leave my room if i lost them. people always say, "i love my friends. i don't know what i'd do without them." but, in my case, it's never been more true. through every touch situation, my friends have been there. with my lack of family, my friends made up for it. through every doubt, my friends were there to keep me optomistic &lifted. i take a lot of things for granted. i need to cherrish my time here on this planet, in this country, with these wonderful people. as lonely as i am, girl situation wise, i'm thankful i have my friends. because ever since my father walked out on me, my brother walked out on me, every girl i cared for walked out on me, my friends have made up for that. my friends are my family, no doubt.
there's so much on my chest that i wish people would listen to. i have a lot to say &nobody to tell it too. i have an asshole image. some sarcastic douchebag that never thought twice about what he was saying. but, if you knew me for who i am, you'd know i'm the most vulnerable human being i know of. i have a soft side &i don't know if it's a good thing or not that 90% of you havn't seen that side of me.
i had a talk the other night. it was short, but sweet. it made me realize one thing. that one thing was huge, to me. i've come to the conclusion, even if you may not know, i'd drop everything &anything just to be with you again. i'd never felt so complete, than i did with you. you made me feel like a true, good person. you're absolutely amazing. &i'm sorry if anyone has ever told you anything otherwise. b/c it's the furthest from the truth.
there's so many things in my life i wish i could change, but so many i had no control over. how i wish my father was still in my life. how i wish my parents were still married. how i wish i talked to my brother more than 3 times in a year. how i wish i did better in highschool &was so motivated to get into a university. how i wish i had a job &was doing something with my life. how i wish i had money. my mother has given me so many things, including life, &i can barely show my thanks or pay her back for everything she's given me.
surprised if any of you have made it this far. i know not too many people tap into my livejournal anymore, but it's a place for me to vent my ideas &opinions. i have so much to say about government, socety, schooling, relationships, etc. i think i have a lot to offer, in a relationship &a friendship.
if you have anything to talk to me about, my screen name is "as the city dies." i'm always up for talking, so don't be shy.