[ Eighth Reincarnation | Voice ]
[ It is somewhat early on into the morning now, but... he cannot sleep. Eight a.m., and he hadn't slept yet. Naoya's sleep habits were always terrible; he wished he could forget everything, sometimes. Right now, most of all, he was likely in a sour mood, as he tended to be in the early morning. He was worried about Hiroki. ]... Tell me, Vatheon...
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[But she'll give it a shot! She's quite clearly thinking and trying to give the best answer she can.]
There's no real good or bad, I think, there's only what people believe. I took in an assassin once. Personally, I was happy to preserve a life and I don't regret it. But I think a lot of people would've hated me for it if they knew. Ultimately, saving lives is supposed to be good, but there's always going to be someone who disagrees.
So there's my answer. Now here's my question. How're you this morning, Naoya? You look tired.
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[ ... Exhausted. Tired. Worried, and tired and exhausted and haunted and so many things-- ]
... I'm fine, Saya.
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[A tilt of her head.]
You sure? I can't tell you anything you probably haven't already thought of, but just sharing now and again wouldn't be bad.
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... Doesn't everything work out just fine for you? How can you accept the fact you've died, simply like that?
[ It might sound like an out of the blue question, but... ]
Do you think all people would be as forgiving to their murderer...?
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I can tell you anything you don't already know. People would probably resent their murderer because... they really enjoyed life and had a lot more they wanted to do with it. Maybe if they understood the other person's background... there's a chance it'd be easier.
However the matter of fact is that I didn't have any of those aspirations left. I lived day by day, and one day I made a bad decision and I couldn't live anymore.
... but it was still my decision.
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[ He sighs quietly, closing his eyes. ]
Tell me, Saya... what do you think a person would dream of, if they killed someone not in cold blood, but unintentionally? Would they relive that mistake every night of their life?
[ Like he did? Was there... even a cure for the heinous, albeit unintentional, act he had committed? On the one hand, he wanted his brother to hate him. But on the other... he just wished he could take it all back. The argument, the fight, the struggle, the ensuing fit of rage high on adrenaline--then the fear. The overwhelming fear as his brother cried out and the distant echo of his final scream, that final gasp of air--
... He had to stop thinking about this. But yet, he couldn't. Rachel had been right: he should have told him the truth. ]
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You'd think she'd be more prepared to answer this question.]
They might. In fact, they probably would. However that isn't what I would want for them.
Naoya, you know that you need to move on... It was unintentional, but what happened... happened. If possible, just try to clear your consicence now and... use the time you have to be happy.
I don't think it's a question of whether not it's possible, it's just a question of whether or not you're ready to stop beating yourself up for what happened.
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[ ... He laughs, it's... kind of pitiful. ]
Haha... wouldn't it be better if he hated me? He should, shouldn't he?
[ Naoya looks incredibly bitter right now. ] ... He deserved to know the truth, but I hid it from him, even when he decided to help me... we got into a fight almost immediately because I couldn't bring myself to tell him, when he asked me, "what are you hiding?"
Truth be told, I feel it would be better if I told him "Yes, brother, I murdered you. I stabbed you through the heart until you were dead." That's the kind of monster I am, isn't it?
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You're not perfect, and that much is... really obvious. I guess it's only human to have regrets, and that's exactly what you are- a human. Not any kind of monster, Naoya...
I just wish you could take the time to realize that. Maybe you should've told him, but you can't help it anymore. Just... when you next get your chance, you'll know what you want to fix. That's all.
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Saya... your hands are not tainted like mine. A monster like me... well, I may as well act the part. Because I stained the fields with the blood of my brother, I may never be 'human' again. Every time you look at me, you are seeing the blood of an innocent man in my eyes... turned red like the earth.
Does it truly matter, whether it was intentional or not, if every night I must relive this act? It makes me no better than the man who killed you, or any other murderer. But, hahahah... I suppose THEY would take after ME, wouldn't they?
I'm the example, after all. I taught my children the benefit of sacrificing my soul to vice; to the heat of the moment.
[ He lays back into his chair, hand outstretched over his face, smile pained. ]
And I will kill him again. And again, and again, and again, every night.
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I still don't quite think that to be right. And I've done a fair amount of less than noble things myself, because I wanted to and because it made sense to me at the time. That's all you did and I don't think you should be judged so harshly for it.
Even if you may think of yourself as a monster, won't you let me disagree? Because if you ask me... I'm just talking to a man who won't let the past go and won't forgive himself for being human.
You're not a higher power, Naoya. Not a lower one either. Just... like the rest of us.
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I expected to make her proud; to not make the same mistakes. And yet... what I did was wrong, Saya. They... even my own parents, the ones who brought me into existence, could not even look at me afterwards. Not only had my family been banished from a garden that was expressly created in order for humans to live in beauty and peace on earth, but we were then split apart at the seams by my own hand.
The first martyr to be buried; the first one to die. The first to be murdered.
[ He looks extremely upset, as though he is being haunted by a spirit that is draining his life. Naoya... his eyes had dried long, long ago. He had forgotten tears centuries ago. But... he looks solemn, still, and after a long ( ... )
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And you realize that too, don't you? Isn't that why you beat yourself up? If you're calling yourself a demon - which you're not - then you're some strange demon with a conscience. And then now you have this goal, and while I don't agree with it, it's the conclusion you came to after a long time. Maybe if I lived like you have, then I would have come to the same conclusion.
It's because you're human in the end that I think it's... perfectly normal. I don't like what all this time has done to you and I think it's unfair, but what's... done is done. You say that you've tried, and that you... end up stealing a family's child but...
[She shakes her head, still trying to gather all her thoughts on this. It's too deep, and it's a little hard for her to wrap her head around. Because while Naoya's had all this time- she had nine ( ... )
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[ He bites his lip. ]
Saya, you--I am envious of your inability to fully recognize your past. And even though you do not know it well, you still do not care.
When I murdered my brother, his soul was scattered. If there was even a singular possibility that he could have been reborn and have remembered fully... God took this chance from me. He took my chance to repent, to ask forgiveness of my brother as well. ... Hiroki is not Abel's only reincarnation, but.... he is the one whom embodies my brother the most.
I wondered, when in this life, those who'd given birth to me died in a car crash and I went to live with their relatives, if this time had been made just a bit easier. And then, I saw what he looked like... God is laughing at ( ... )
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[She has to take a moment to think about what to say. He’s opening up to her, and she didn’t expect that to happen. Admittedly, if anything, she’s quite happy for it. The sooner that he opens up to her… the more progress they could make.
But only if she doesn’t say the completely wrong thing. So she bites her lip in thought for a moment before sighing.]
It’s because… life has its ups and downs. You can say that you’ve been doomed to this existence, but… for me, I’m kind of… envious of you. It’s probably a little insulting for me to say that, but it’s the truth. I wish that I could have just a little more time- and you’re probably thinking that you’ve had too much.
Yet I think… that the person that you’ve become with that time - who is undeniably a person who makes mistakes and can’t foresee everything, despite how much he tries… I would hope that you could take some of that time to be a little happier. You’re still capable of smiling, I know it. You just won’t let yourself find anything to smile about. ( ... )
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[ He sighs. It's... clear he doesn't really MEAN what he's saying, he's only saying it because she's right. ]
My past is all I have. What do you think happens when I leave this place? Certainly we cannot be contained here forever. You--you might... pass on. But me? There is no rest for someone like me. Not someone cursed as I am... I've taken the best from this that I can.
Everything has been taken from me, Saya. Every inch I take, God takes five more back. If there is any small grace, it is the fact that I am still sane and happened to chance upon the luck of my parents this life dying on their own, and finding out my 'cousin' happened to be Abel. That, of course, during the same lifetime God is to end humanity's free will unless someone does something, of course.
Change isn't something I've been allowed. ... To try and make myself someone else... someone will know. They always know. He always finds a way to make sure, no matter how careful I am, and I cannot escape this ( ... )
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