[ Eighth Reincarnation | Voice ]
[ It is somewhat early on into the morning now, but... he cannot sleep. Eight a.m., and he hadn't slept yet. Naoya's sleep habits were always terrible; he wished he could forget everything, sometimes. Right now, most of all, he was likely in a sour mood, as he tended to be in the early morning. He was worried about Hiroki. ]... Tell me, Vatheon...
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[She has to take a moment to think about what to say. He’s opening up to her, and she didn’t expect that to happen. Admittedly, if anything, she’s quite happy for it. The sooner that he opens up to her… the more progress they could make.
But only if she doesn’t say the completely wrong thing. So she bites her lip in thought for a moment before sighing.]
It’s because… life has its ups and downs. You can say that you’ve been doomed to this existence, but… for me, I’m kind of… envious of you. It’s probably a little insulting for me to say that, but it’s the truth. I wish that I could have just a little more time- and you’re probably thinking that you’ve had too much.
Yet I think… that the person that you’ve become with that time - who is undeniably a person who makes mistakes and can’t foresee everything, despite how much he tries… I would hope that you could take some of that time to be a little happier. You’re still capable of smiling, I know it. You just won’t let yourself find anything to smile about. Sometimes innocent people are punished, but then they can end up all the richer if they look at their situation the right away.
But you keep thinking about these things that happened in the past, and maybe some of them are caused from your actions, but you can’t take them back anymore. I always thought that regrets were a waste of time, because when you’re spending time being upset, you could just… be looking for a solution.
I don’t mean to demean your feelings, Naoya, since… there are some things that you just can’t help but be sad about, and this is one of them. So… take the time you need to worry, feel sad, and just… feel guilty, if that’s what you need to do. But you’re not completely at fault- there is never just one person responsible for a problem, after all.
Then once all the depressing stuff has been taken care of, we can look for a way to get you back with your brother- … cousin ?[She manages a small smile.] Whatever he is to you. And he’ll be happy to see you, I’m sure of it.
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[ He sighs. It's... clear he doesn't really MEAN what he's saying, he's only saying it because she's right. ]
My past is all I have. What do you think happens when I leave this place? Certainly we cannot be contained here forever. You--you might... pass on. But me? There is no rest for someone like me. Not someone cursed as I am... I've taken the best from this that I can.
Everything has been taken from me, Saya. Every inch I take, God takes five more back. If there is any small grace, it is the fact that I am still sane and happened to chance upon the luck of my parents this life dying on their own, and finding out my 'cousin' happened to be Abel. That, of course, during the same lifetime God is to end humanity's free will unless someone does something, of course.
Change isn't something I've been allowed. ... To try and make myself someone else... someone will know. They always know. He always finds a way to make sure, no matter how careful I am, and I cannot escape this.
Even here, I hear it constantly, Saya. Every day, from people I hardly even know, because they are not human, and they can SENSE my curse. My age. My sin.
[ He exhales quietly, staring at his hands. After a long, long time, he finally speaks again, smile grim and tone forced. ] I have been wondering, silently, what would happen if I were to die here, however...
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[And unlike him, she honestly means it. It's very rare for her to lose her patience when having a discussion like this but... that last statement. It's just so aggravating.]
Not just that, it's... it's almost a little insulting. You think it would be reprieve, Naoya? To die here and then not have to live again? Is that how you want to solve your problems- with your death?
That's just... cowardice. You still have things to live for, you know, and you still have people to live for! Do you really think that you should leave your brother with everything you placed upon him? You're going to be leaving him all alone when he needs you most. Don't try to solve anything that way! It's just...
[She sighs and does her best to calm down a little.]
You have all the time in the world... time that I wanted. I'm not going to say that I want to live, because I'm all for new experiences and welcome whatever's coming for me after my time here in Vatheon. But I will say that I think life is wonderful and if you're trying to get away from it... I just don't understand.
Naoya, I really think you could do great things with all the time you have. You've seen all the problems that humanity goes through and you get to see the future! You could contribute if you had the mind to and... as time goes on, new things and new technology and advancements would show up. I'd... have loved to see all that. [She laughs.]
It may seem like a curse to you, but... if I got the same opportunity, I think it'd be really.... fun. And you disagree with me, I know. Admittedly, I don't really know what I'm talking about, but...
You're so negative. Always negative, always believing it to be a punishment, always under the impression that you can't change- and always thinking that you don't deserve happiness or the chance to change.
I think somewhere along the way... you forgot how to be happy. But you can be happy again... if you'd just let yourself. Forget what other people say and what they think, especially if they're the ones to make you unhappy in the first place. Who needs 'em? You just need to be happy with yourself and then life is good again.
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... I am unable to die. Technically speaking, I am as mortal as any man, but I am unforgetting. And if I were to be murdered, well, similar would happen--I am an example, and those who are foolish enough to kill me are punished seven times over by God.
[ He is quiet. ] "Opportunity"...? Don't you realize I have been doing nothing but guiding you from the beginning, child...? You are all my children, quite literally. It was I who founded the first city, I who created infrastructure that is sound and safe, among many other things afterwards.
But you are pawns--each and every one of you; you all harbor the same drives of sin and vice I myself did, as you are my children. I have been watching long enough to know even the intelligent ones like yourself lie, Saya.
Suffice it to say my cynicism is well-founded and realistic by this point. I had such faith in people, in others... but I came to realize very quickly during my wanderings one very important detail: I will always be alone, no matter what. In the end, nothing is permanent and to enjoy the fleeting is foolhardy. To enjoy something would mean attachment; unnecessary emotions I cannot allow myself to harbor any longer.
[ His face curls into a small, grim smile. ] Saya... do not tell me you did not attempt to cut ties here in Vatheon with everyone. Is it not the same...? Perhaps if you had seen some of the things that I have, you would understand. I grow tired of the same thing every single lifetime, Saya... you must understand I have literally done everything that there can be to do; lived it, whether by choice or by consequence. One becomes somewhat numb to caring after several thousand years; I cannot even vaguely remember the last time I experienced something new that I enjoyed.
... It's funny... that I mention a mere thought of self-disposal, and you get angry. But to me, death is inconsequential... painful, yes. But perhaps--perhaps if I did die here, if I were to be revived, do you truly think my curse would follow?
Morbid as it is, I... I have no reason to be in Vatheon anymore. To be here. There is nothing I can DO or say that would help you or the rest of us, after all. So, Saya, you tell me: what, exactly, is the point of my being here?
[ His expression is blank and pained, and so haunted. And despite his attempts to hide his emotions, it is clear he longs for company. ]
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You're right. And I'd love to say that you're always right, but I've disagreed with you on more than a few things to know that you're not always right. You're flawed, like everyone else.
But... you're right about a few things. I did attempt to cut ties with people in Vatheon. Not all of ones, just the ones that started getting a little too... tight. Ragna cried when I came back from the dead, you know? Big baby. I don't need that- and he doesn't need me, so it's easier now. I'm actually having a lot more fun, because I'm selfish that way. And I lied to do it. That proves another point of yours.
Because I envy your life. All the time in the world, none of the forced attachments. That's how I lived before, you know? Except I only did it for about... give or take five years, while you got a lot more than that. It was fun, though! And I would've been happy to do the same thing for a few more years, because it was more fulfilling than anything else I'd ever tried.
There is no particular point in being here. There is no particular point in being alive either, I think. But that goes for all places, right? But the matter of fact is that you're here, so you should make the best of it. You have a lot to offer, you know! So much knowledge and experience... you could do a lot, not only here but back home too! And you're supposed to go back home, so you can be with your brother, right?
You can have fun without being attached, I promise. You can appreciate things without feeling the need to keep it. Just because you like a painting doesn't mean that you'll buy it, right? I know relationships are different than purchasing a piece of art, but... I don't think there's ever really anything that you don't want to feel that you have to feel.
[She laughs again, so at home with this topic. However as she continues on, she can't bring herself to look back at the camera. The view out the window is so pretty.] Enjoy yourself, Naoya. You can still be happy, you know. You just won't let yourself be happy. That's what I've been saying the whole time. There are things out there that can make you happy, if you'd just look for it. ... I can't give you any of it though, since I'm still self-centered that way.
[She looks back to the camera with a grin.] Quit it with the 'child' stuff too, 'kay? You're only a few years older than me this time around! Right, Naoya~?
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[ He gives her an honest look of utter... confusion. ] Who would envy imprisonment? ... Although, I suppose with such a short life, you would. I swear, you're...
[ Stupid. Stubborn. Selfish. Dumb. ... Right. ]
That idiotic barista said the same thing.
[ He sighs, holding a hand to his face. He had a few bruises, and a band-aid over his cheek. ] My question is this... why do you persist? You, him--I detest living a lie.
[ And another sigh. ] ... Sake. I need sake. I have nothing stronger than wine here. This is beginning to become one of those mornings.
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Then she's a little lost. Naoya was one of those people? Who would drink away when they're troubled? Her bewilderment is there for all to see as she tries to remember what she was going to say before.
Not really the best thing to happen when they reach the climax of the conversation.]
.... huh. Well.... Uhh...
[She rubs the back of her neck and looks elsewhere awkwardly for a moment.]
I remembering hearing somewhere that a bit of wine once in a while is healthy but I don't know about sake. I don't think that's the best choice, Naoya. I mean, I'd never dictate what you do but isn't it best to think about things in a clear state of mind?
[... yes, she's completely distracted at the mention of alcohol.]
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[ He has bruises to show for it really but, he's not going to elaborate on that. And grab this chance to, well, derail the conversation as much as possible. ]
It has also been a few months since I touched anything stronger than coffee. The last time I had a decent glass...
[ ... He smiles to himself, amused. Hahah... Gin. Their conversation about Aya... when he had taken the girl and helped with her disappearance. Leaving the COMP with him. ... The smile isn't a good one, it's one of sin and of NO regretting it. Regardless he doesn't elaborate. ]
What, does it surprise you that even I would desire something once in awhile?
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It doesn't. Human, right?
I just find it a little strange that you're willing to indulge in all of humanity's mistakes and depression with... none of it's happiness and positive extracurricular activities.
But well, it's your choice. Just don't drink too much or too often.
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[ ... Despite having all the time in the world, he had little time to do what he needed. Ironic, wasn't it? ]
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[She shrugs.]
But well, it's early and you don't look too great. Get some rest, alright, Naoya? And... if you do drink, don't overdo it.
See ya!
[and she ends the conversation with a click! For a moment after, she wonders if she made any progress. ... and it's reeaaally up for debate.]
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