long days

[first_of_four08]

so the days just keep getting interesting. i feel like i always neeed to be in control. and then when im not i tend to drive people crazy. im afraid for the future because i know what i want but i dont see it happening. i want to marry someone who is closer to god than i am and right now james doesnt even go to church. i know that there are a ton of other things and the church there isnt anything i would enjoy either. but there is so much that should be accomplished, spiritually, before marriage and right now i just dont see that happening. i want to marry james. i want to but i think im just annoying him and hes getting sick of me. maybe boys dont need to hear i love you all of the time, but girls do. no matter what, it doesnt matter if they know or not. thats just how girls work, thats how were made and right now i feel like i have to nudge them out of james. so maybe i do say i love you all the time to james, just so i can get one back. sometimes i wish he would just understand how much it hurts to always be the first person to say it, and then told that he doesnt want to hear it anymore. i need to hear it, and now i feel like i never will.
anyway, got a paper to turn in tomorrow. i say my teacher will hate it but i secretly hope i get a good grade. i wrote a good paper, it just depends whether my teacher thinks i wrote it correctly and whether or not he gets offended. i still have some lab work to do and i feel like reading in my bible.
truthfully, im afraid to ask god whether james is the right person for me or not. im afraid that he will tell me that james is not the person intended for me. how could i live with that.

this is me, no secrets, just me uncensored. . .