(no subject)
Okay so things are a little bit better today. I feel a lot better actually. I stopped being so clingy and I can tell the difference already. It hurts a little being more detached but I know it is for the best. And I realize that I cannot judge people, especially james. What was I thinking. I guess I just want everything to be perfect and I need to learn to accept the fact that the beauty of life is that nothing is absolutely perfect. I love james, I love james, I love james. Ok sorry, I had to get that out. Thats just how I work. James voice is the best sound to wake up to. And I could listen to him talk forever. My favorite times with him are when we talk about serious things. He is so focused and intent on getting his point across. Also, those are the times when I can tell that he honestly cares. We havent talked like that in a long time. I think I scare him sometimes. I think far ahead. Theres about two and a half months left until I see James again. I want to be prepared. I dont even know what that means, but it sounds right. Or something like that. This journal is awesome because I feel like I can say anything I want to. This truley is my journal. i find it so much easier to type than to write. I get jealous of those girls who wear skimpy clothes because they get attention. At the same time I hate them because they seem to set the standard. Its like, if you want to get noticed you have to look like this. When James was here I didnt care what other people thought about me because he was the only one I wanted to impress. But hes been gone so long now and that confidence is fading. I feel like I need to dress sexy for people to like me and its starting to mess with my head. Its like, I like to get noticed but Im starting to think the wrong things about the attention I get. Dont get me wrong, I dont see myself ever doing something that would hurt James or us but Im afraid that if he doesnt get home soon. I dont know, I just feel desperate almost. I need someone to hold me and it comes across too much because guys dont want to be your friend, they just want to "get to know you better". this is really hard for me, Im struggling. Its getting harder and harder for me to shrug off those long glances that I get. Save me James!!! God, I know that I am only human, but please, give me your strength. I love James.