Clarification
Just letting it be known that even though the last post was me bitching about him, those feelings that I used to have are no longer there. I was just looking back at some old entries in my journal and even though I can remember feeling like that like it was yesterday, I still had to roll my eyes. I was pathetic. Comparing whatever we had to Chloe/Clark? We couldn't touch what they had with a 10-foot pole. The hateful spite you spew and I still looked up to you as a hero and the love of my life. Clark never did anything to hurt Chloe intentionally.
I'm not perfect, either. I remember I used to want you so much. I called your boyfriend one of my best friends and I still wanted you. I still waited for you to realize that you wanted me too. I was such a fucking hypocrite. Disgusting even. I allowed myself to be the kind of person I hate for you. A liar. A fake. Submissive. I submitted myself to your behavior. Telling myself that I could change you or that things would be better if you were with me. How could I? Just thinking about it almost makes me sick. I wanted you so much it caused me physical pain. I couldn't sleep for days. My heart had been ripped out and broken into pieces because of you and I still longed for the hurt because it was how I felt closest to you. No person should ever be worth the price of happiness for anyone.
I remember months ago when I felt like this, I always said that I feel like an idiot. Well, now, for the first time I can truly say that I felt like an idiot.
As for the rant that sort of turned into talk about him. I'll quote Smallville to 'splain it best.
Oliver: Yeah, that's the funny thing about scars, you know. They're always there. It doesn't mean they haven't healed.
Like I said above, I do remember feeling those feelings. Remembering how you felt never really seems to go away but eventually you'll be able to distinguish the feelings you felt and the feelings you feel. Of course I still love him. He'll always be special to me for many different reasons. I've fell in love with other people before but I never felt such intense feelings. Longing so much that it breaks you and everything you believe. You're never going to forget those feelings but maybe, just maybe, you won't spend the rest of your life feeling them. I know I don't.
So yeah, when it comes to him I can still be a little fragile. Even Chloe almost gave into lust when the 7 deadly sins were after her. The love I had doesn't linger and it didn't die. I know it's still in me but I just don't feel it anymore. I don't think I ever will. And that's just fine with me.
I just had to include a Chlark vid. I mean, it only makes sense after all the reference. On another note, 2:21 in that video kills me. The way Chloe looks at Clark all scared and vulnerable. God, I turn into pudding whenever she looks at him. I need Smallville on Netflix so I can watch my early season Chlark.
I'm not perfect, either. I remember I used to want you so much. I called your boyfriend one of my best friends and I still wanted you. I still waited for you to realize that you wanted me too. I was such a fucking hypocrite. Disgusting even. I allowed myself to be the kind of person I hate for you. A liar. A fake. Submissive. I submitted myself to your behavior. Telling myself that I could change you or that things would be better if you were with me. How could I? Just thinking about it almost makes me sick. I wanted you so much it caused me physical pain. I couldn't sleep for days. My heart had been ripped out and broken into pieces because of you and I still longed for the hurt because it was how I felt closest to you. No person should ever be worth the price of happiness for anyone.
I remember months ago when I felt like this, I always said that I feel like an idiot. Well, now, for the first time I can truly say that I felt like an idiot.
As for the rant that sort of turned into talk about him. I'll quote Smallville to 'splain it best.
Oliver: Yeah, that's the funny thing about scars, you know. They're always there. It doesn't mean they haven't healed.
Like I said above, I do remember feeling those feelings. Remembering how you felt never really seems to go away but eventually you'll be able to distinguish the feelings you felt and the feelings you feel. Of course I still love him. He'll always be special to me for many different reasons. I've fell in love with other people before but I never felt such intense feelings. Longing so much that it breaks you and everything you believe. You're never going to forget those feelings but maybe, just maybe, you won't spend the rest of your life feeling them. I know I don't.
So yeah, when it comes to him I can still be a little fragile. Even Chloe almost gave into lust when the 7 deadly sins were after her. The love I had doesn't linger and it didn't die. I know it's still in me but I just don't feel it anymore. I don't think I ever will. And that's just fine with me.
Click to viewI just had to include a Chlark vid. I mean, it only makes sense after all the reference. On another note, 2:21 in that video kills me. The way Chloe looks at Clark all scared and vulnerable. God, I turn into pudding whenever she looks at him. I need Smallville on Netflix so I can watch my early season Chlark.