]top/bottom, gay sex and self-hate.]
x-posted from tumblr.
sigh i have such a ridiculous problem with bottom's (as in someone penetrated) reactions and actions during sex i want to shot myself. it's beyond stupid and i wish i could turn off my brain. how is it possible to realise that what you're thinking is wrong, offensive and idiotic and still be unable to stop? shouldn't i have control over my thoughts and feelings? i guess not.
whenever i read or see bottom being fucked and moaning, closed eyes and taking it, i... don't like it. something in me scrams "but why, it's degrading, it makes you helpless and weak, don't just get fucked, do something, the other guy is all composed, silent and concentrated yet all you do is spread your legs and feel it". and i know that nothing of this is right, i know. but i see a picture like that
and while my brain sees nothing wrong my... i don't know, fucking soul? is offended that the bottom one does nothing but lies there.
i'm tired of myself and my issues with top/bottom and their dynamics. i'm the first person to go around and scream that being bottom isn't humiliating and doesn't make you weak/vulnerable. but maybe i have a problem with how you bottom. i don't know. i wonder if i could talk about this with my shrink.
because it's so ridiculous at this point that i have difficulty reading sex scenes with penetration. i'm annoyed and irritated and why, for god's sake, i can't deal with it if i understand this. how fucking stupid and silly it is. pathetic.
i had to get it out, i'm offending myself to such extent maybe i need someone to tell me how wrong i am. and just a few months ago i was okay with just anything.
sigh i have such a ridiculous problem with bottom's (as in someone penetrated) reactions and actions during sex i want to shot myself. it's beyond stupid and i wish i could turn off my brain. how is it possible to realise that what you're thinking is wrong, offensive and idiotic and still be unable to stop? shouldn't i have control over my thoughts and feelings? i guess not.
whenever i read or see bottom being fucked and moaning, closed eyes and taking it, i... don't like it. something in me scrams "but why, it's degrading, it makes you helpless and weak, don't just get fucked, do something, the other guy is all composed, silent and concentrated yet all you do is spread your legs and feel it". and i know that nothing of this is right, i know. but i see a picture like that
and while my brain sees nothing wrong my... i don't know, fucking soul? is offended that the bottom one does nothing but lies there.
i'm tired of myself and my issues with top/bottom and their dynamics. i'm the first person to go around and scream that being bottom isn't humiliating and doesn't make you weak/vulnerable. but maybe i have a problem with how you bottom. i don't know. i wonder if i could talk about this with my shrink.
because it's so ridiculous at this point that i have difficulty reading sex scenes with penetration. i'm annoyed and irritated and why, for god's sake, i can't deal with it if i understand this. how fucking stupid and silly it is. pathetic.
i had to get it out, i'm offending myself to such extent maybe i need someone to tell me how wrong i am. and just a few months ago i was okay with just anything.