[why do i bother. but i need this, for some reason.]
i think i'll turn off comments here. because seeing no comments makes me sad, lonely and unwanted. and if there's no possibility to comment i won't see that no one wanted to. no, i'm not stupidly insecure.
klaine had sex. i'm not going to write what i think. my emotions, feelings -- because it's too much, it's unimaginable. it's just... yeah. the fact that they've had SEX. were naked together, slept in one bed together, woke up next to each other. it's so much it makes me cry.
and then there's jealousy. i want that love. i want those feelings. i want this awkwardness, tenderness, lust and desire. i want it all, what they have and more. i wan it so much.
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reading a fanfic where blaine is on a wheelchair, with brain injury. and i wonder, i do it sometimes. who will help me when i finally become handicapped? who'll help me out of a wheelchair? up and down the stairs? with daily routines? i'm twenty four years old. it's the time where i should be in a long term relationship, preparing to settle down, preparing for being an adult together with someone. i don't have that. when the time comes, where and how will i find help? to have someone devoted enough to you to help like that you need to have a long relationship as the base. it won't be a person you've been with for two months. and i'm, sometimes, scared. that i should look, should prepare.
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why is it expected for a guy to be the one asking “was it good for you” after sex with a woman? why does nobody expect a woman to ask that? my gender boundaries are, at this point, almost non-existent. it's maddening how we link some things with genitals, how we give roles to that. why can;t i, a girl, open the door for a guy? pay for a guy? why is the opposite expected? i know these are stereotypes and "habits" with strong roots, even i can't escape them completely. but i at least question them.
also, i think too much.
klaine had sex. i'm not going to write what i think. my emotions, feelings -- because it's too much, it's unimaginable. it's just... yeah. the fact that they've had SEX. were naked together, slept in one bed together, woke up next to each other. it's so much it makes me cry.
and then there's jealousy. i want that love. i want those feelings. i want this awkwardness, tenderness, lust and desire. i want it all, what they have and more. i wan it so much.
---
reading a fanfic where blaine is on a wheelchair, with brain injury. and i wonder, i do it sometimes. who will help me when i finally become handicapped? who'll help me out of a wheelchair? up and down the stairs? with daily routines? i'm twenty four years old. it's the time where i should be in a long term relationship, preparing to settle down, preparing for being an adult together with someone. i don't have that. when the time comes, where and how will i find help? to have someone devoted enough to you to help like that you need to have a long relationship as the base. it won't be a person you've been with for two months. and i'm, sometimes, scared. that i should look, should prepare.
---
why is it expected for a guy to be the one asking “was it good for you” after sex with a woman? why does nobody expect a woman to ask that? my gender boundaries are, at this point, almost non-existent. it's maddening how we link some things with genitals, how we give roles to that. why can;t i, a girl, open the door for a guy? pay for a guy? why is the opposite expected? i know these are stereotypes and "habits" with strong roots, even i can't escape them completely. but i at least question them.
also, i think too much.