Summer…
We have embarked on a new journey called the 23/24 school year and so far, it seems to be a repeat of the 22/23 year, but with less people. I find myself in a strange area where my job is incredibly valuable to the district and people who take advantage of it, but it is not treated as such. I can only hope the pendulum shifts back in a more favorable direction.
I am desperately looking for a place to live outside of my house, but cannot find anything that is close to affordable. I need to move out of this state that has become so unaffordable and move to a new place where I can make more money and have a lower cost of living. However, doing some research yields that Mississippi is the cheapest state to live in (and by no shock, lower on the education list) but who wants to live in Mississippi?
I’m living in a strange situation. I’m legally married but have been emotionally and mentally checked out of this for years. Because we still share a home, finances, and children, I still ask that when it’s necessary, we help each other out. I still cook dinner and make enough to ensure he is fed, I clean up, even if I don’t make the mess, I do all of the things most people would do for a roommate, but there’s a piece of paper that legally binds us. I am ready to be rid of the legal bind, but fear that when I pull the trigger on that, it’s going to make the living situation even more miserable. Selling the house would eliminate all of the debt, but we would talk away virtually empty-handed and in a position where neither of us would be able to afford a place to live. I’ve been pricing apartments for the three of us, but I know it’s inappropriate for my kids to have to share a space with each other or me. I have a pre-pubescent daughter and a son. Sure, I could share a space with my 8-year old son temporarily, but that seems damaging to him. Not to mention, all of the “almost affordable” places to live are across town, in unsavory or even dangerous areas…So, I feel stuck.
I have learned in my age that moving from the frying pan into the fire is not a good or wise move. I have to be very cautious about how I make moves because if I hastily move out of my house, will my kids be fed? Will we be able to pay all of our bills? Being a teacher isn’t exactly a career where the income stream overflows. I enjoy teaching; I love having breaks with my children, I love engaging with young minds and having that connection to younger people that are able to offer a different perspective on life. I recall youth and look back on it wishing I hadn’t pissed it away. Oh well. C’est la vive.
I need to unstick myself. My husband had proven to me that I don’t need him around. Tell me if I’m the crazy one here: my car battery died the other day. I called and asked him to show up with the other car and a socket set so I could pull the battery from the Jetta and take it down to auto zone to replace it. First, he tells me he doesn’t know where the socket set is (okay, well look for it?) and secondly, he’s tired. Awesome, you’re tired, I’m stranded. I told him to forget it and called in my B-I-L because he’s a. An awesome mechanic and b. Has never left me stranded in the 16 years he’s been with my sister. (Bonus: he gets me as a sister haha). I luckily was broken down at work, so I just went back to my classroom for the time it took my brother to come over and help out. Here’s where my question lies: if you or your spouse were stranded, and the other was home where there was a working car and the correct tools, wouldn’t you go down and try to help them? Am I wrong for being pissed off?
This is not the only time he hasn’t shown up for me. My car blew a tire once on the freeway and all I needed was someone with more strength than myself to come untighten the lugs, I called him, he had me call the insurance for roadside. Once time, I had an ovarian cyst that exploded inside my body which caused me to have a crazy amount of pain (side note: they never found my ovary after that). My friend had to drive me to the hospital and stayed with me (originally offered to stay home with our son so my husband could take me) during COVID. My friend took me while he stayed home because he “doesn’t like hospitals”. I had another time where I had a minor procedure and they gave me no pain meds for the aftercare. He came home on his lunch break and I begged him to stay home because I was in searing pain and couldn’t get out of bed to care for the kids. He went back to work.
But I’m crazy. Am I though?
All I am looking at is evidence stacked that shows that when I’m in desperate need of my person to stand up and be there with me, I’m scrambling to find someone else who is. And thank the heavens above that I have a network of people who I am lucky enough to call my friends.
He says I’m not willing to work on things; yet when we did marriage counseling and she asked for us to do “homework”, he scoffed at the idea and didn’t take any of it seriously. He didn’t even show up to one of our sessions because he “fell asleep”. And before you come at me about that, I have told him to see a doctor. He makes the initial appointment, goes in, and never follows up. I see a doctor bi-annually, as well as when needed for pop-up issues. But I refuse to work on things.
He tells me constantly that I’m manipulative and vindictive but I have tried my hardest to remain distant and stoic so he doesn’t think there is a chance for reconciliation. He accuses me of having someone else waiting for me, but I can tell you right now, if there was someone else, I would be clinging to them so desperately to get out of this situation, I wouldn’t be home.
Ugh. Adulthood. I’d like a do-over, but only if I get to keep my kids.