Midweek Slump
My bestie started his chemo today. He sent me the obligatory “getting my chemo” selfie. I didn’t realize he was going to send it, or how it would make me feel a myriad of emotions. I noted in my mind how handsome he is, how seemingly healthy he looks, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks-my best friend has cancer and is going through treatments. His survival rate is very good. His prognosis is outstanding, but I couldn’t help but start crying at my desk at work. I am heartbroken for him and his husband-his son, all of the people whose lives are touched and blessed by this incredible human. My friend is battling something that claims the lives of millions of people every year. Some people aren’t as lucky as he is. Some people ignore their symptoms and the tells their body is giving them. I’m so glad he went in when he did.
I’m feeling some type of way, and I honestly don’t even think I’m entitled to feel it. I will say that I love him so much more than he knows, and far, far more than many people in this world. I think the only people I love more are the ones I created. But he is one person who has been in my life for nearly three decades. We have had the natural ebbs and flows of friendship, distance that made things more difficult, but I’ve always loved him unconditionally and I hope that love is reciprocated. This is not a romantic love; though in middle school I definitely entertained the idea; but this is so much more true and beautiful. I’m so glad whatever powers that may be kept us as friends and never muddied those waters.
In nearly three decades of friendship, I feel like our bond has continually strengthened and only continues to grow. I am not as successful as he is, and sometimes I feel like I’m an anchor that holds him to his past, but then I remember that I, too, have grown and we aren’t those trauma bonded young adults with a chip on our shoulders. We aren’t sitting in my dilapidated VW beetle on a bitter cold night eating Jack in the Box and wondering where our lives are going to take us. We aren’t those younger adults sitting at Denny’s at 11pm talking through our issues.
Now, we sit in his palatial estate and I couldn’t be more proud or honored that even though he has leveled up way past me, he still allows me and my loud ass kids into his beautiful home. He has introduced me to one of the most amazing and wonderful people I’ve ever met in my life. I’m so blessed to have both of these amazing people in my life, and so thankful that they love me and accept me with all of my messiness. I don’t have the words to describe how much I truly love both of them, and how I would walk to the ends of the earth for either of them.
I think the thing I enjoy so much about my bestie is his tenacity. He is as determined as I am to watch and help me grow, much like I was many years ago when he was in high school and wanted nothing more than to see him get his diploma. I think our friendship has been so successful because we have always held one another to higher standards than at times we didn’t think we were capable of. The addition of his amazing husband has shown both of us that there is just pure good in the world. We were both surrounded by these dark people. Hubby is just a beacon of pure light. His positivity and love radiate and encompass anyone in his presence. I only hope I enrich their lives as much as they do mine.
Anyway, I feel like I’ve rambled on about this awesome couple and I guess I’m processing my feelings about seeing my handsome bestie in a mask hooked up to all the wires of chemotherapy. It’s not my journey, but I get to witness it from 100 miles away and feel like I don’t do enough, especially with how much I truly love both of them. I don’t want to make it about me, because it’s not. I have a terrible way of processing all the feelings of watching someone whom I love so much having to go through such a shitstorm.
I want my warrior to know that as I sit here, typing this with tears streaming down my face, snot stuffing my nose to the point of discomfort, and a heart shattered by a simple photo, that I love you, and you will beat this.