God is in the house....

[firefaerybeene]

It's been an eventful day. Just got new ink; I've been in the process for a while now of covering up old tattoos and it's been wonderfully cleansing. A chance to rid myself of old memories and old friends who did me no good except teaching me a lesson. But either way it's brought me down, willingly or not, some old paths

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[soulden]

I would not even be able to begin to really name what I believe in. I grew up Catholic as well, but I am nearing 30 years of not practicing. Christ, I am getting old. After that I went the whole Pentacostal route and the only thing I can say that brought me was if there were a God and Heaven, I really did not want to go there, and if I did, well, I would want God to lay down a whole lot of apologies for my life and the life of others and the world he created. I think this is where I lost my faith and being Christian actually made me a lot more hopeless and suicidal.

I believe in general we are selfish. Inherently evil. I have my moments of goodness as do most of us, but I think in our basest natures we are not all the redeeming. I would not say I am any better than anyone in this regard. Maybe aware and attempt to be so, but when it comes down to it, things get skewed. It is the way we are, all perfectly flawed in our own ways.

I have those moments of stillness in the night. I can’t even explain them. Moments when I feel where I am already drifting away from everything. I can’t be next to someone and feel so far away. There is this quietness that fills the air around me and everything inside me. It is a reinforcement that it really comes down to nothing. We can try to leave something, but it all in the end comes back to nothing. We affect those around us, if they let them, if they decide to believe in us enough to allow us to love them to hate them, to exist at all to them. We do have free will in this regard, to at least in part create our own world and maybe shape the world of those around us, but in general I don’t believe there is nothing greater beyond that, and thus it will all end in a whisper someday.

I do believe in ritual, more for the sake of ritual, the rhythms, the processes, the craft. Same as I believe in art in the same regard. Art is ritualistic. It is a form of religion. It is not art until we believe. Without belief, it is nothing. Once people stop believing it will also end in a whisper.

Those dark nights get darker and quieter with time. The silence fills even grander expanses, but I have no idea why, maybe I am just fortunate, those moments of silence although larger, come less frequently and with greater spans of noise in between. Maybe there is only so much silence we are allowed in one lifetime. Who knows.