[FIC] : Sometimes I Wish
Title: Sometimes I Wish [Edited: May 7, 3:30AM]
Rating: G
Genre: Angst
Pairing/s: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Length: Oneshot
Disclaimer: Not mine, never were. But sometimes I wish.
Summary: “Sometimes I wish I had enough strength to walk away from you. . .”
A/N: I'm stress, you might not want to read this. And I think it's not worthy /sigh
09.04.12 | Sometimes I Wish
I gazed down at him, with my eyes tracing every line and every curve of his beautiful face, drawing it in the back of my mind for future uses. I stared down at him when suddenly a frown surfaced on his face. He seemed to be dreaming but I wonder what it was, the thing in his dream that made him anxious. Or maybe I already knew it. I’m just stubborn to think that I didn’t.
I tried to suppress this strong urge to touch him, afraid I would wake him up but my hand had its own mind and before I could stop myself, my hand had landed on his face, gently caressing the worry that marring his face.
“Shhhh~” I murmured softly, already humming a familiar melody, soothing him.
It had been two years since we got together, years of pure bliss. . . and heartaches.
The first few months had been the hardest and the most painful moments of our relationship but it also held most of my happiest moments with him. Because Finally, Jaejoong is mine. That. That feeling was unexplainable.
I did everything I could for him. Everything, even it would only hurt me in the end. Martyr? Masochist? You could say that, because I endured every pain and every heart aches just to make him happy. I thought I’ve done my best but I was wrong.
I could never make him happy. I thought I could, but it was not enough. I’m not enough. I’m not what he wanted, certainly not what he needed.
Sometimes I wish I was.
I thought that as long as I stayed at his side and that as long as I showed him how much I love him, he would learn to love me back, the way I want him to. But my love was never enough. He needed more and I’m not the one who could give that.
Sometimes I wish I could be the one.
My heart had wobbled for countless times already but I’m glad that I had caught it every time before it shattered on the ground. Now, it was too heavy with pain, I don’t know how long I could I keep my hands around it, I hope to last a little longer.
He stirred on his sleep, a deeper frown erupted on his face.
“Yunho please, no.”
I don’t know how possible it was but I could hear my heart starting to crack, it weighed more heavily now, stretching with too much pain. I closed my eyes, trying to gather myself but it was too late.
“Please stay, I love you.”
And then it exploded, breaking into many pieces like a glass that shattered on the ground. I bent down as I tried to pick up every pieces I could, to make it whole again but every time I tried a stinging pain met my fingers, like a sharp glass slashing my skin. But I tried again. Tears started welling in my eyes, blurring my vision, making it harder for me to see. And one by one, I picked the remains up to my hand not caring the sharpness pressing into my skin, blood seeping out.
I’d been here, I had experienced it far too long that I become accustomed to it. To pain. I could do it once again like how I did in the past. But the pain right now was too much I doubt I could make it this time.
“I told you to be careful when you met him,” I could hear Junsu saying in my mind, “I told you to be stronger, you can't mend someone as broken as him,” he was talking about Jaejoong, “He loved Yunho all his life, no one will ever replace him, not even you, Yoochun.”
“I never, even once thought of competing for Yunho’s place,” I took a deep breath, tears already trickling down my cheeks, “I just want to have that certain place in your heart, the one I could proudly say as my own. But I guess your heart and your mind will never be mine. Your heart still beats for him, your mind still thinks of him and your voice still screams his name.”
I managed to veil my hurt with a gentle smile, and stifled my tears as I watch his face relax.
It had been three years since Yunho had died, and for the two hell of years I’d been his friend, comforting him, giving him strength. After our two years of friendship, he told me he thinks he likes me, and that he likes having me around. He kissed me first, proving he indeed has feeling for me. And then after that we got together.
For the past years of us being lovers not once I showed him how much it hurts that he still loves Yunho like how he always does, because I knew it came with the package when I agreed to date him. I just didn’t want him to worry about my petty, selfish feelings.
I waited; because I knew that time would heal his pain, that he would eventually move on. But after two painful years he still clings on Yunho’s memories, he wouldn’t let time heal him, refusing to move on. And that hurts big time.
Tears kept coming, flowing down my cheeks like water coming out of the faucet. I looked down at my hands, there was my heart, a heart that was badly beating, poorly taped with too many holes, those were the missing pieces that I couldn’t find anymore.
“Sometimes I wish I have never met you, you know. I wish I did not fall in love with you.”
I didn’t know I was crying too loud, only when hands suddenly grabbed my shoulders and spun me around that I’d known I woke him up. Then I was facing him, he looked worriedly at me, his fingers wiping my tears.
“Chun, what’s wrong? Why are you crying love?” He never called me that way, with names or anything, no never with love. He called Yunho, love. They call each other, love.
“Jae. . . I love you, I love you too much that it hurts.”
His face softened and then his warmth enveloped me, “I love you too, you know that.”
Hearing those words coming out of his lips, hearing that uttered words without the emotions I was hoping it held was heartbreaking, painfully, excruciatingly, unbearable to hear.
“Sometimes I wish I had enough strength to walk away from you. . .”
“Yoochun, w-what are you ---“
“But sadly, I don’t have that kind of strength and if ever I have, I doubt I will leave you even though staying with you will mean a death of me someday.”
And I will stop right there. . .sorry for the angst. an excuse to write an angst