stars fade, but i linger on dear, still craving your kiss,
nothings changed. much.
but thats good right? i guess it means we havent changed just cause we are 'together' now.
break was awkward. neither of us really spoke to each other. but thats normal too, right? its always awkward at the start.
thing is though, it totaly terrifies me, this whole 'relationship' thing, im totaly new to it, the closest ive come to real boyfriend, was my friend theo, who i got off with every week cause i had nothing better to do. and its all new, new things scare me,
'a whole new world, a dazzling place i never knew
but when im way up here
its crystal clear
that now im in a whole new world with you'
we are better alone, when its just us. when we are with my friends its cool too, but when we are with his friends, its strange. i guess its cause everyone im really friends with knows about us, but his mates dont. you know?
'and when i touch you i feel happy inside,
its such a feeling that my love, i cant hide, i cant hide, i cant hide,
yeah you, got that something,
i think you'll understand
when i feel that something,
i want to hld your hand'
but hes facebook officialed it, and now i feel like i should too, but my mommy has my facebook, and i dont know how to tell her, and i want to tell her before i facebook official it, but then i think it might be easier if i facebook it first, but then she might get annoyed cause i facebooked it first, like before telling her. im so confused!
they should make a 'what to do when you first go out with someone' guide. that tells you exactly whats normal to feel, and whats normal to do.
but we arent exactly 2 normal people. im worried people are gonna pressure us to get off all the time and have sex in a week. i cant have sex for like 3 months after ive been with someone, i odnt know why, thats just my rule at the min, its like lane in gilmore girls, but zach had to wait till marriage. and dean didnt have sex with rory for the entire time they went out, they waited till dean was married. to someone else.
hmm, maybe not that one, but i dont want to wait to get married, i think sex is a big part of a relationship, and if it sucks, you dont want to be tied down to that person, but if you really like them, it shouldnt matter right? eurgh, its soo confusing!
'so sally can wait, she knows its too late as were walking on by
your souls slides away, but dont look back in anger, i heard you say'
i had a dream about our first kiss last night. we were at school with kathleen and amie and that lot, but joe and me were just talking to each other, and then i was behind him or something, and like leaning on his shoulder or something i think, and he had his hand on my face and we just got closer and closer untill we were kissing, and nobody in the group seemed to care.
the first kiss, when does that one happen?
the first hand holding, when does that happen?
most people have boyfriends in like year 6 that they can find all these things out from, i never had that.
and even though he said its fine till im ready to not have sex, what if he gets impatient? like micheal does with mia in princess diaries.
what if i want to, but i feel i cant cause of what my mom might say, ive promised to tell her when i think im ready, but i just dont know.
part of me doesnt even want to have sex till im 17, cause i still feel like a 6 year old, and 16 seems to young, cause i seem so young, but 18 is too old, 17 just seems perfect.
'if you need me to need you to fuck,
that fucks everything up'
but relationships arent perfect, are they?
i wish there was someone who could sit down with you and help with all these things, it feels too wierd with my mom, and too wierd with my friends. there sould be realtionship coaches like thay have p.e coaches, who can explain these things like they would if you didnt get how to play football. or like when we first played that one with a stick with a net and a ball, lacrosse, thats the one.
i dont know what to dooo!
oh lordy, help mee.
and i had a dream that we were on the bis on monday, when he first cam back, but i was in the row in front of him, and he was at the back with lauren kruge and her friend, and he totaly ignored me, cause he was with her.
and i know im just being paranoid, and that shes just his friend, but part of me feels like he totaly digs her, and not me.
im just scared i guess. scared of whats new, scared of whats not the same, what people think what people will say, what my parents will say.
'i wanna talk tonight, until the morning light, bout how you saved my life, you and me see how we are, you and me see how we aree'
yours worriedly/confusedly/excitedly,,
FiFi xx
and i dont know how to tell liam, cause he is in love with me, and hates joseph....
why are things so hard?
xx